Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Darkness

Here I sit, alone at last.  Running away again.  In light I burn, in darkness I flourish.  My soul never to be whole again. There was a time it all made sense.   A time I had all the answers.  Now I sit and watch as those I love.... take the leap and slowly fall.

Rhyme and reason have lost their way.  They stumble like broken words.  The words I spoke when I promised "It will all be okay in the end."  Here I am. I crawl away... only to drown my self in sin.

Stuck on the ledge I cried out for help.  You bit and came to the rescue.  I fooled you once.  I fooled you twice.  My plan was only to use you.  Now it is clear I have gone too far, and only ended up abusing you.   Good bye my love.... I will bleed, but I know all to well why I must lose you.

Take my pain and use it well, or the darkness will consume you.

Evil That Men Do

I sat down today to finish a few blogs that I had been working on, off and on.  Imagine my surprise to find that only pieces of them remained.  One was very important for Halloween, especially since I was asked to write it for a couple other people.  Normally..... I just write to get things out of my head.  Anyway, it is gone and I am pissed..... fuck.  Apparently, drafts are not always safe.  That is not what I was thinking about anyway.

I was at the gym today, running like a hamster on a wheel.  I had a thought running through my head.... lyrics from a song actually.

"Every man is evil, yes.
 Every man's a liar.
 Unashamed with the wicked tongue
 Singing in the black soul choir."
 16 Horsepower - Black Soul Choir

I realized today that I have spent so much of my life trying to be the proverbial "Good Guy."  The one that people trust and turn to for help and advice.  The one that would offer assistance with no strings attached.  The proverbial "Good Guy,"  you know.....the one that always loses in the end.  I spent so much time trying to be that guy, that I never noticed how bad I actually was.

I decided a while back that all people have a bad side, a dark side.  The main difference is how far have they gone.  Were they willing to compromise their own principals?  Were they willing to injure someone else to get what they want?

That is the basis of it isn't it?  It is all about selfishness and greed.  It is human nature after all.  Self preservation.  Survival of the fittest.  The ID and the EGO.  Wants versus needs.  Protection, stability, control.  I am from America where I was raised to believe I can have anything I want.  If no one will give it to me, then I have to take it.  Right?!?!

I always aspired to be above it all.  I can pinpoint where it all went wrong for me, but I never saw it until now.  A boi stole a skateboard from someone else.  He knew he was in trouble so he hid it in my mom's bushes on the side of our house.  I went outside and noticed the bushed were broken and dying.  I looked closer and saw a skateboard.  I kept it and told everybody it was mine.  I could not have afforded to buy a new skateboard.... and I wanted one.  I lied and told my mom I did not know why her bushes were dead.  I told him he was not getting it back because he stole it from somebody else.  Somehow I justified it, even knowing it was wrong.

I look back and realize I was used and abused by people all my life, and so did I.  I can think of things everybody I ever knew did to me, or someone else that was just plain wrong.  A girl wanting to get back at her boyfriend so she dated me for 2 weeks until he was sufficiently jealous and threw me to the curb.  Many different people needing a ride somewhere when I was the only one with a license.  People finding out I had cigarettes, drugs or alcohol and wanting to be the best friends.... until it was all gone.  People wanting to borrow music or movies and never seeing them again.  People wanting to hang out and swim, until something was wrong with the pool and they never came back.  Being narked on so somebody else could stay out of jail.  Then there is always the degradation of being raped and taken advantage of by someone you thought really cared about and wanted to be with you.  Man.... that hurt really bad.

I turned around and did the same shit.  The thing about it is that most of the time it is mutual.  Like relationships, we mutually use each other for things we do not have.  I wanted to have children.  I wanted to have lots of sex.  I wanted to have someone who would do things I would not do.  She wanted to move out and get away from her parents.  She wanted someone to get her drunk and high.  She wanted to experience things she could only get from an older, more experienced man.

I never said it was wrong.  Most of the time it is not.  If it is done specifically to hurt someone else..... then it IS wrong.  We give to each other.  We compliment each other.  We push each other.  In reality, for good or bad..... we need each other, and we use each other to get what we need.  Sometimes we just do it in the wrong ways.

Head Over Heels

His father was in the military and it was time to relocate again.  The move went okay.  At least they had finally arrived in their new town, Fallbrook, California.  They could only get some of their stuff out of storage since they were just renting a apartment for the time being.  Some furniture, clothes, music and his skateboard.  He had a few days to kill before he started school.  It was Friday, but Monday would come all too soon.  His second year in the 9th grade and school had already started here.... joy.  Not really his fault, but that is another story.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous.  "Can I go skate around?" he asked his mom.  "Sure, just be back before dark," she said.  There was a gas station off in the distance, obviously this had to be his destination.  I mean how long was he expected to go without a Mountain Dew?  I mean what the fuck!  The terrain was very hilly, this was all new to him.  Skate a little..... walk up hill a little.... then do it all again.  Where he came from there were no hills.  Everything was flat.... and wet.

When he finally got back he was really tired.  There was a ledge around the flowerbed and he took a seat and lit up a cigarette.  "Hey," he heard, but paid it no mind.  "Guy on the skateboard!" he heard.  Standing up he saw a girl staring at him.  "Hi," he choked out.  His first introduction and he was kinda shy, so he blew it out his ass. 

"I'm April, what is your name?" she said.  "James," he replied.  "You are not from around here are you?"  she said.  He must have heard that statement at least a thousand times.  "No, I am from Louisiana."  he replied.  She paused for a minute, looking him up and down.  "Some of us are going to hang out at the cemetery up the hill, you wanna come hang?"  He got so happy he almost yelled it out, "Hell Yeah!"  They had hung out in cemeteries quite a few times where he was from.  "You find it strange how the darkness calms us." -Mushroomhead  That night he got a little drunk, a little high, and made a couple new friends.  The weekend flew by so fast.

Monday was a real fucking bummer.  Waking up at 6 am and getting ready was no fun.  Plus, he was so nervous his stomach was killing him.  He spent half of his time in the bathroom, not knowing if he was going to puke or crap.  He was not a very outgoing person.  This shit was like torture.  New city, new state, new school, new person.  Jimmy was what he had been called since he was born.  He decided that was no longer him, he was now James.  He got in the car and his parents dragged him to school.

Registration, meeting the principal, a half assed tour of the campus and they set him loose.  Missed first period, so it was off to second.   Late of course.  It is bad enough being a new student, at a new school, but then you have to go in late so everyone can stare at you.  Worse yet, the crazy bitch made him stand in front of the class and introduced him.  He had to sit in a chair because all the desks were full.  She promised to have a desk for him the following day.... yipp-fucking-ee.  Next there was a "morning break" where the students could get a snack or just chill out for 15 minutes, cool.  He got a powdered donut with jelly filling.  You could never get something this cool at his old school, Awesomeness!

Two more periods went by and it was lunchtime. He walked down a hallway toward the lunchroom, at lest he thought it was.  Everybody in the hallway was Latino.  They were lined up on both sides, sitting down, backs against the wall.  He heard someone say "I wouldn't walk down that hallway if I were you, white boy.  They will hurt you."  James turned around and saw a Latino guy, with long black hair, wearing a Slayer shirt.  "Thanks man," he said.  "No worries," was the reply he got back.  It seemed like everybody knew he was not from there, and what the fuck did "No Worries" mean?

He decided he was just going to skip lunch today and walk back to the front of the school.  That part seemed pretty calm to him.  There were some benches to sit on and relax.  Maybe read that new skate mag he had brought.  Walking by the flag pole he paused.  He never made it to the benches.  There was a violent push into his back and his hat was ripped off his head.  Whipping around, he saw a big white guy holding his hat.  Then the guy threw it into the trash can.  James said "what the fuck is your problem?"  The ogre hollered back, "Nobody wears blue around here and gets away with it."  James was not about to lose his favorite skate hat to some giant douche bag.  He said "Okay, I won't wear it here anymore," as he walked over and picked it up out of the trashcan.  It was a baby blue Nike hat with duct tape on it.  One of his best friends gave it to him before he moved.  He dusted it off and was putting it into his book bag when the giant yelled at him, "No, I am going to kick your ass."

Well shit, James thought.  This dude is a lot bigger than me.  He is probably going to beat my ass, but I am not backing down.  Just then he felt a hard shove in his chest and had to take a couple steps back to get his balance.  Every hair on his body raised up.  He walked back up and pushed the guy back and stepped back with both fists clenched... it was on now.  Just then another guy walked in between them and said "It's cool, chill out."  He looked at James and said "He was trying to punk you, and you are obviously not a punk.  We are going to go to the tunnels to grab a smoke, wanna ditch with us?"  Let's see, stay in this scary ass school and probably get his ass beat, or sneak off and smoke a cigarette with some people he knew nothing about.  "Yeah I'll go with you," he replied.

They walked to the edge of the school property waited for a few minutes, making sure nobody was watching.  There were 6 of them on this covert operation.  Then down into a large drainage ditch, under a bridge and into a large storm drain.  They lit up cigarettes, some lit up joints.  This was a cool place and he was starting to relax again.  They were asking him questions, "Where you from, are you a skateboarder, you like drugs, been in trouble with the law?"  Matter of fact he was on probation at the time.  One of them said "We can make sure nobody fucks with you anymore.  We are going to start a rumor that you are fucking crazy and just got out of juvie for stabbing somebody."  He could tell the giant douche was still wanting to fight him from the tone in his voice.  He lit some paper on fire and threw it at James.  James grabbed it and threw it back.  The other guy suggested they smoke a joint and chill the fuck out, so that is just what they did.

Everything was cool and they kinda dazed off.  James looked over and saw a girl.  She was sitting a little ways away from them.  She had caught his eye earlier, but the violence had made him forget everything else.  He didn't think she had said hardly anything the whole time they had been there.  She smiled for a second as they made eye contact, and they both quickly looked away.  He kept glancing at her.  She was a little taller, dirty blond, brown eyes, nice tits, hot ass, and dressed way to nice to be hiding in a storm drain.  She was beautiful and he was very intrigued.  He asked the douche about her.  "Who is she?"  "Her name is Aimee, but I call her Aim-word.  I am going to ask her out."  "The fuck you are" James thought.

He snuck away from school almost everyday.  They introduced him to Munchkin Land, and showed him how to sneak out of every part of the school.  There would be new people and new distractions.  It was like being part of a secret underground organization.  He tried to talk to Aimee every day.  In fact, his whole day was based on seeing her.  More importantly was seeing her smile.  If he did not see her his day would be ruined.  She began talking back.  She really did not talk a lot, in fact sometimes he felt like he had to pull the words out of her.  Actually, she did not have to talk because he could see so much in her eyes.  They seemed to both be hiding from something.  Maybe they should hide together, he thought.  She made him fell better, just being close to her.  He fell head over heels in love with her, and he never looked back.......

It started out being easy to make friends in California.  Nothing like back in the south.  It seemed like in Louisiana if you were not born there, they did not want you there.  These new friends we different.  It was like they were all people that did not fit in somewhere else, so they just stuck together.  They taught him a lot about gangs, colors and turf.  Things he didn't know anything about.

The newness of California wore off really quickly.  He missed his old friends so much.  At times he spent hours alone, crying in his room.   His father told him this would only be a two year post and then they would go back to Louisiana.  In his mind he was just killing time until they moved back.  He made it a point not to get too close to his new friends, but there was one he was already very close to.

Alcohol and drugs were easily available.  That was part of why they hung out in the cemetery a lot.  It made them feel comfortable in the darkness, and there were never many people around.  He never really felt comfortable about snorting lines off of some one's gravestone though.  Somethings are just going to far.  Like when he started selling joints at school.  That was a bad idea.  It lead up to him being strip searched in the principals office by police, and almost getting expelled..... and that was only the beginning of his troubles......

Nightmares of Addiction

She sits there staring at me.  Vicious, possessed eyes.  The person who gave birth to me, now reduced to nothing more than a dying addict.  Alcohol, a friend at times, a deceiver always.  Just a way of coping with the pain.  Self medicating.... again.  "I drink because I am depressed, I am depressed because I drink."  It is a shared vice, like mother, like son.  Smoking and drinking became a way of relating.  Relating to and otherwise non existent parental relationship.

"You were an accident, I wish you were never born," she said once.  Words as sharp as razor blades cutting deep into my soul.  Regret and resentment had tainted to the core.

Years of saying "You have to stop, slow down, cut back."  All amounting to wasted breath and visions of her death.  "My chest hurts," she said said.  Off to the E.R. we go.  They seem to be surprised she is even alive.  Atrophy of the brain is 30 years past her age.... from the alcoholism.  The tumor in her chest is huge, like a orange, from the cigarettes.  There is no cure at this point, only a matter in father time's hands.  The one thing we seek to control, but never will..... time.

I wake up every night, with visions of her staring at me.  She looks just like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.  Those hollow, black eyes staring into my soul.  In her voice I hear the anger as I now have control over her addiction.  The alcohol and cigarettes have changed to narcotic pain medication.  "Give me my precious" she yells.... as the blood runs down her chin, from the animal she just killed and ate raw.  "My precious" she yells, as she claws her way into my soul.  "My precious" she yelled, up until she died.

"My precious," she yells, every night in my dreams. I wait in horror for my time to become her.  My precious.