A very dark night

This is the end of a short story I wrote.  It is not in order, it isn't meant to be.  It was inspired by a friends "Halloween creativity" story on Facebook.  I will finish the beginning someday.  I have to thank Larry and Amanda for filling my mind with such horror.

A very dark night: The conclusion

Pitch blackness is all I can see. There was a full moon out earlier, how could it just disappear like this? Searching the entire area I see nothing, is something is wrong with my eyes? Could I be blind, temporary or permanently? The night is completely silent, except for a very loud thumping and a dull ringing noise. It is not really a noise, more like a vibration, pounding inside my body. It’s never this quiet in the bayou. Not even a frog or a cricket chirping.

Last thing I remember is that I was running away, but from what and where was I going? Breathing erratically, in a total panic and running as fast as I can. The only sounds are mine now. “OH SHIT” I yell as I feel my legs going out from under me. Weightless for what seems like an eternity as I trip and fall. Unable to see where I was going and unable to see where I am falling. *THUMP* It stings and burns when I slam into the ground, the pain is all over my body. A warm metallic taste fills my mouth, and I spit again and again. “Is this how it ends?” I ask myself, face down in the rocks and dirt.

Wiping the sweat and dirt out of my eyes I try to look up and focus. The ringing I thought I was hearing starts to subside. That is why I can’t hear, the ringing is inside my ears. Possibly a bodily reaction from something loud, very loud and bright. It could have been an explosion of some type. I wish I could remember what happened tonight. GOD, the pain in my legs is excruciating, and my nose. I know I hit the ground hard, at a full run and so did my face, bit my tongue too. FUCK IT HURTS! Got to get up and figure out where I am and what is happening. Screams, I remember the screams. Horrifying, screams of terror and pain. I don't know who was screaming?

I start to stand, then fall again. My ankle will not support me, so I kneel on one knee. I remember kneeling like this at soccer practice, waiting for my next set of instructions. This seems different though, it is not a game and there are no instructions. I wish my coach was here.  It started as a game, a joke, a hustle. Now it is all too real, people got hurt, maybe died. I need to find a phone, or a car. It is all coming back to me in flashes, too much too fast. Got to get the police, they will know what to do. I think my eyes are getting used to the dark, except it is not dark, not dark at all. There is a silverlight shining off the bayou. It is eerily beautiful. The moon is full and the palest yellow. Trees and plants jut up out of the steamy water like arrows.

My hearing is back, now I can hear the mosquitoes buzzing around my head. I hate those little bastards. The frogs and crickets are silent like they are afraid of something. Is it me or something much worse? LOOK! In the water over there, something is moving. Maybe it’s an alligator or a nutria rat; the swamps are full of them. No that looks more familiar, like a hand. There is a fucking hand sticking up out of the water, there is another and another. Panic starts to set in again, here comes the thumping again. It is thumping so hard it feels as if I will explode.  I stand up, unconscious of the pain now and limp slowly around the tree, trying not to trip over the roots again. Dammit, not again I think as I start to fall. Maybe when I look up they won’t be there. I was just imagining it all. I must have bumped my head in that first fall. Everything I am seeing is just an illusion, or delusion.

Face first into the dirt and rocks. Damn that hurts. I tried to catch myself but my wrists gave out. I think I broke one this time. Wiping my eyes and blinking uncontrollably I start to look up. OH MY GOD, the sight consumes me. My body is unresponsive and still, my lungs gasping for air and unable to make a sound. He is kneeling directly in front of me dressed as a ninja in all black, but missing his mask. Completely still as if he is frozen in time, unable to act. I can’t even tell if he is breathing. The only motions I can see are the tears running down his face, mixing with drops of blood.  Tiny rivers of blood flowing down his cheeks and neck.  In his outstretched hands he holds a sword covered in blood. It looks like he is trying to give the sword to someone like a gift, but there is no one there. He is locked in some form of shock, as am I. I have to get control of myself so I can help him and find out what has happened here.

I limp over and grab the sword. It takes all I have left in me to pick it up and throw it a few feet away. As I release the sword I start to fall again, right onto him. He barely flinches feeling like a rock underneath me, but his cell phone falls out on the ground. I pick it up and dial 911, “Hello, what is your emergency?” I will apologize to his wife later, if we make it through this alive. I hug him closely, trying to break this trance he is in and whispering into his ear. Jam I never told you, but I have loved you from day one, please come back to me. I need you now or we may both die out here. Do you want me to die? You have never let me down before and I am here for you now, what happened? Jam? Jam, can you hear me? Please Jam, I am so scared. I need you….. I need you ….. I need you…. I need you…… to come back to me.

I know its working because he is getting softer under me. No longer feeling like a rock and starting to shake a little. Jam, what happened? I ask again. He is starting to stutter something, but it is very faint. I…… I ….. I ….. I killed her Alice. I cut off Janet’s head because I thought she was one of them. One of those monsters that ate them, all of them. They are all dead. I studied this, trained for this my whole fucking life. In the end I killed one of my best friends. Her blood is on my hands, my soul is gone. I need you to live Alice, my wife will need your help. My kids love you and Patricia trusts you with her life. Tell my wife and kids I love love them. I need you to tell our story.  Tell them never to come back here, NEVER!

He stood up, dropping me to the ground. It is almost daylight he said, you will be safe until then. Remember what happened tonight Alice. No Jam, NO! You can’t leave me here alone I am so scared, it is the last plea I had, pitiful at best. He walked over and picked up his sword and put it back in the scabbard on his back. I will see you again Alice, and I will send you back to Hell demons. With that last curse he ran and dove into the bayou waters. The hands grabbing at him, tearing clothes and flesh from his body. He stood one last time, drew his sword, looked me in the eyes and smiled. His eyes glowing blood red he yelled, RUN!. I turned and ran as fast as I could, haven a broken ankle slowing me down considerably.  The police would be at the main gate and that was my destination. I ran, and I ran, and I ran…………………………………..  I never looked back ..... JAM ....Jam .....jam..... i love you ......

Zombies.... fer realz .... and OxYcOnTiN

We joke, we laugh, we play, all about these zombie creatures.  This concept that was meant to mean one thing, but took on  a whole reality of it's own.  Supposedly it was originally a term to describe suit and tie, establishment kinda guys.  They were corporate zombies.  People that were "squares" going to work each and everyday, never changing their routines and wasting their lives away in a capitalistic struggle, to gain wealth and materialistic items.  These zombies just go on day after day, only living to survive until tomorrow, paycheck to paycheck.  They are technically alive, but they have never really lived.

Out of that idea emerged zombie monsters.  They are "living dead" creatures that were once living breathing people, just like us.  There are many reasons that they die and come back to "life," slowly walking the earth in an unrelenting search for living flesh to eat.  That's it, all they want is flesh, and brains.  Seems kinda scary, right?  Well it could be, but than again it might be a total blast.  Swords, knives and guns in an all out free-for-all to survive.  I'm in on that shit!

I am going to introduce you to a new zombie that just slowly walked it's way into my life.  I have known of these types of creatures for many years, but they were never so close to me.  We flirted with this type of disaster for decades as teens to young adults, always walking the line - never crossing it.  If you cross it you may not come back.   Let me introduce you to the scariest zombie of them all.  The monster hiding right next to you at work, a ball game, play, gas station, and even at the grocery store.......

It all started when I found an empty prescription bottle in my warehouse bathroom (Day 1).  It was just sitting there, top off like it was just finished being used.  I saw it and walked out.  It was not mine and was not my concern.  So many people use this bathroom and I was sure someone would return for it later.  Prescription drugs are expensive, of course they will come back for the bottle.

The next morning I had to use that bathroom, washed my hands and looked up and it was still there sitting on the shelf like "Hell~O!"  I looked at it longer this time, it was starting to intrigue me.  Why would anybody leave their prescription on a shelf in a very frequented bathroom?  I couldn't help it. I picked it up and it was empty.  I read the label, OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!  It was for a woman that died 5 days ago, the owner's mother.  She was dead, buried in the ground and apparently still taking her medication.  This just proves what I was told years ago about a grandson.  It is Oxycontin or Oxycodone.  FUCK..... this is not something I should even know about, let along have to deal with.  You know, now I gotta deal.

Oxycodone, a narcotic, opiate, pain killa.  It changes the way your brain understands pain.  It is one of the most addictive prescription drugs there is.  That is even more true if you crush it up and snort it.  Oxycontin will straight up fuck you up, FUCK YOU UP!  I gotta repeat it since some of ya'll just don't know.  A variety of different pills that can change your perception of reality.  Many times turning the user into a human zombie.  They slowly wander around having no real concept of the world around them.  The drugs change them into a different kind of person.

I used to work with a guy that was addicted to Oxycodone.  He came in to work always talking about being in pain, usually the same pain, sometimes new pains.  He wandered aimlessly at times, just staring off into the distance.  He never closed his mouth, I don't even think he could.  Sometimes he would be sitting down and his head would drop down to the desk in front of him as he began to black out, then he would just pop back up like nothing had happened.  There was drool dripping out of his mouth sometimes.  He seemed like such a great guy when he was a little more sober.  I say more sober because he was always fucked up, sometimes less or more.  They offered to help him get treatment and he refused, said he had it under control.  Who could blame them, they fired him.  He and his wife had two kids as well, no income.  He was a Narcotic Zombie.

This is from prescription-drug-abuse.org:

Prescription drugs are the second most commonly abused category of drugs, behind marijuana and ahead of cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine and other drugs. The National Institutes of Health estimates that nearly 20 percent of people in the United States have used prescription drugs for non-medical reasons.
Some prescription drugs can become addictive, especially when they are used in a manner inconsistent with their labeling or for reasons they were not prescribed. Those include narcotic painkillers like Oxycontin or Vicodin, sedatives and tranquilizers like Xanax or Valium, and stimulants like Dexedrine, Adderall or Ritalin.

Steroid abuse is also on the rise. Steroids are prescription drugs that are legally prescribed to treat a variety of medical conditions that cause loss of lean muscle mass, such as cancer and AIDS. Men consistently report higher rates of steroid use than women. In 2008, 2.5 percent of 12th grade males, versus 0.6 percent of 12th grade females, reported taking the drugs in the past year.
In 2000, about 43 percent of hospital emergency admissions for drug overdoses (nearly 500,000 people) happened because of misused prescription drugs. This type of drug abuse is increasing partially because of the availability of drugs, including online pharmacies that make it easier to get the drugs without a prescription, even for minors. 


I is no coincidence that the government does not want to admit there is a problem with prescription drug abuse.  A nation of Narcotic Zombies is so much easier to control.  What if everybody was on a "happy pill" or an "ADHD drug?"  They could just lead us around by the collar and tell us who to vote for and who to give all our money to, and we would do it.  They don't want to talk about legalizing "street" drugs either.  Many of them are safer for us than their prescription counterparts.  The big pharmaceutical companies have too much to lose.  They are very big contributors to the political campaigns of many politicians.  It is a shame that we have stopped caring about people, all in the name of political power.  Instead of helping mankind, they are enslaving it ........ fer realz ...... ZOMBIES.

of gangs and such......

Sometimes I wish I was back in California.  Not for the reasons most would think, though.  Yes, the weather is nice almost all year around.  There are the beaches, deserts, mountains, streams, lakes, national parks to explore, and so much more.  None of those are what I am thinking of today.  I could wax poetically for hours about flowers, cacti blossoms, Joshua trees, or cliffs overlooking rocky beaches and beautiful water.  Especially catching horned toad lizards in the desert, OH how I loved playing with them.  All that is for another day.

 

The second time we moved to California I was in the 9th grade, again.  I had an incomplete in Louisiana so I had to take my freshman year over.  The very first day of school I was walking to my 3rd period class.  I was a skateboarder, I dressed "different."  I had my black and white checkered Vans shoes on, a pair of very baggy cargo blue jeans, a white "I <3 COPS!" t-shirt and a blue Nike Swoosh baseball hat.  I knew clothes were a "status" symbol for a lot of people, but I didn't know anything about gangs.

A white guy at least 3 times my size bumped slam into me, almost knocked me flat on my ass.  He looked down at me like some kind of ogre, grabbed the blue Nike hat off of my head and threw it in the trashcan.  I was shocked, for a couple of seconds I couldn't even move.  Then my mouth opened and what came out was of pure stupidity on my part.  I bowed up and yelled, "DUDE!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!"  I stepped over to the trashcan, reached in grabbed my hat and put it back on my head.  When I turned around I saw about 10 guys standing directly around me and half the damn school was standing behind them.  The big guy said "You're new here aren't you, bitch?"  I swallowed my pride and tried not to act scared, never act afraid even in the worst OH SHIT moment you ever have.  I stepped toward him and said "No, I'm from New Orleans, Louisiana and my father is stationed at Camp Pendleton."

He smirked, and started to laugh.  I thought it was over, I was in the clear and would not be getting my ass beat today.  He tried to punk me and I stood up to him.  I was partially right.  In this weird Spanglish he said "Welcome to Fallbrook little guppie.  You ever walk down our hallway wearing BLUE colors again, you won't be walking out."  He grabbed my hat again and threw it in the trashcan, then he grabbed me and pushed me face first into the trashcan.  The trashcan fell over and I just stayed there kneeling, staring at him.  He said some shit in Spanish and he and his boys turned around and walked away.  The crowd dispersed and I turned around and walked away in the opposite direction. 

I had unknowingly gained some respect in that moment, even though I was almost shitting in my pants.  Later that day I was approached by another group of people........ the all had blue bandannas hanging out of their back pockets.  I moved around in California 4 or 5 more times with my parents.  I learned that a color could make you an adopted family member to people you may have never even met before.  Colors, races and territories became families, and family is the most protected thing in gang life.

Strength, honor and respect are cherished and applauded.  Lying, cheating, and stealing, are all sings of weakness.  I do not remember anytime in California that I had to wonder who my friends were.  No one lied to me or stole something that was not his/hers.  No one would dare to rat on you about drugs or illegal activity, even when they faced jail time.  If you fucked your homie's lady you better move or you would get beat down, maybe even killed.  When someone fucked up, they were taught a lesson.  If they did it again they were made an example of.

I was always kinda on the outside looking in.  I moved so much I could never really be "in" the inner circles of the gang life.  I was like the Jedi apprentice learning the basics of the force.  I know one thing, several of them fought with me and for me on different occasions and they barely even knew me.  Some of them treated me as a little brother just kinda to keep me out of trouble.  I respected them, and I tried to honor them every chance I got.  I know without some of their help I would have been stabbed or shot, just another statistic.  Well, I was stabbed.... just a cut though.

Do I miss the shootings, stabbings, beatings, drugs, weapons, police harassment, or being kicked out of high school?  FUCK NO!  It was terrible, so painful in body and spirit.  What I do miss is that I never had to question any one's loyalty.   No one ever pretended to be my friend while talking shit about me to anyone that would listen.  Here there is almost no one I can trust, no one to believe in.  Just when they gain your trust you realize there is something sharp poking you in the back.  Even better is when someone comes to you in confidence to tell you the horrible things your "friend" has been saying about you or another "friend."  How can you say someone is your "friend" while you tell everyone lies about them, behind their backs?

Friends don't call each other names behind their backs.  Friends don't tell other people about secret things you told them in confidence.  Friends do not tell other people that you area a horrible parent.  Friends do not try to get you to do immoral or illegal things.  Friends do not steal from you.  Friends do not try to manipulate you.  Friends do not try to interfere in your marriage.  Friends do not try to get you fired from your job.  Friends do not tell you about other friends problems.  Friends do not tell everyone that they are a victim, and try to make you look like a terrible person.

I guess you have never really been anyone's "friend."

The Butterfly

Sometimes my mind will wander.  It can be far or near.  I might be looking straight into your eyes, but thinking about a waterfall in some foreign landscape.  I read things or hear them aloud and only retain bits and pieces of it.  I guess at times I just can't concentrate on the details, "just the facts ma'am."  It can be like looking at a puzzle missing some of the pieces.  Thing is they are not actually missing, I dismissed them for being unimportant to the overall point.  We fill everything with such bloated dribble.  I really enjoy when my mind decided to wander away.  It's a different perspective to a mind so jaded with information.

I am not trying to insult any one's intelligence, not one bit.  Let me give you an example.  My wife read me a 2 paragraph story last night.  This is what my mind focused on and this is my butterfly.

1939                                  Egg

Man and Woman               Larva

Married 72 Years              Caterpillar
Car Crash                         Chrysalis
Died Holding Hands          Butterfly

It is like a picture in my mind.  I could see it happening, a thing of beauty.  We are always growing, transforming, recreating ourselves in the hope that one day we can spread our wings to fly away and be truly happy.  Sometimes that happiness is fleeting and we must start the cycle all over again.  Some just give up and choose to live in misery.

What is a butterfly to me?  It symbolizes freedom, happiness and beauty.  It flutters by without a care in the world, just riding on the wind.  Many are so bright and colorful that even predators are afraid to touch them.  The float from flower to flower enjoying their sweet nectar, all the while they are pollinating and creating new life.  They take just what they need and then they move on, just like my mind searching for the good things, important things to take with me on my journey.  Oh look...... there goes a butterfly ..........

The doctor does not trust you ........

.......... with his money.

Today I awoke to a serious rash from head to toe and my gums are swollen and HURT. I am not new to skin issues, but this itchy thing of unknown origin somewhat shocked me. I decide I need to seek the help of an expert. My wife calls and makes me an appointment in Laurel, approximately 30 minutes away.

Off to work I go, only to leave 45 minutes later for the journey. It is a gorgeous day and the ride is as well. I am wondering if it is Chimaira's "The Infection" Cd slamming out of my sub woofers or the tires, causing the whole SUV to shake and vibrate.  I glance down and see 224152 on the odometer, no wonder.  I pull into the parking lot with 3 minutes to spare.

I walk into the office and my heart starts to race, this place is FULL not even a chair to spare and one guy leaned up against the wall.  How are they ever going to see me  at 9:30 today?  Hell, will I still be here tomorrow?  I walk slowly to the window and wait in line.  I see a big sign that says "We no longer accept Medicaid or Medicare patients, sorry for the inconvenience."  Yeah, I sure bet you are sorry.  I hear "ma'am I need you to sign our new records and insurance policy disclaimer.  Sir, I need you to sign our new records and insurance policy disclaimer."  I get a little closer and see it, the thing that sends my heartbeat into overdrive.

A sign reading "We do not accept debit cards or credit cards of any type.  Cash or Check only.  Payment in full due at time of visit."  OMG I thought, I drove all the way here for nothing, will they see me or not, who carries cash and checks anymore?  I ask the gatekeeper, "ma'am I am a regular patient is there anyway you can bill me for this visit?"  "No sir," she replied.  "Well I didn't know anywhere on the planet did not take debit cards or credit cards now a days."  "I know how you feel, it is crazy to me too, but there is a bank right across the street with an ATM.  I will hold you appointment time if you want to drive over there and get cash."  Ah, this gatekeeper was actually the true definition of A Lady.  My heartbeat slowed, and I became calm and rational again.  I ventured out into the parking lot to begin another adventure....... into the concreted wilderness.

In tha PIT!!!!

"Thrashing and slamming like hell in the pit, Tomorrow they know may not come.  Banging and moshing like they don't give a shit, To the rapid beat of the drum.  A boot to your forehead, a knee to your face.  Your nose and lips start to bleed.  Like a wild Indian from outer space, Drunk and high on weed!"  DRI - Thrashzone

Once upon a time......  Nah, whatever!  On our Anniversary this year we decided to go see Korn (HaHa, big surprise!) and Drowning Pool at Bayfest in Mobile.  We were about 6 people back from the stage in the beginning and ended up 3 people back from the stage during Korn.  Close enough to look them straight in the eyes.  We bounced up and down, head banged, swayed side to side, slammed into each other, bumped and grinded, dry fucked, got smushed, hit, pushed, pulled and had 2 different people fall on top of us that were crowd surfing.   All and all it was a great night. 
No, it was fucking awesome.  Korn has never disappointed.

Some advice:  You never want to be up against the barricade in the front because it gets really painful being smashed into that metal piece of shit.  Don't get more than about 8 rows of people back or you will be directly in the pit when it erupts.  Girl, boi, man, woman, baby, dog, or elephant, it just does not matter.  If you are in the pit you are a target.  Some people just want to sit and chill and listen to the music, they need to be way in the back, "playing the wall" we call it.  If you have never been to a metal concert before, you should be playing the wall.

So, if you should suddenly realize that you are in the pit and do not wish to be, here is what you do:
1. Put your arms up like you are ready to do some boxing, to protect your face.  People usually slam shoulder to shoulder only, but you never know.
2. Push forward through the people as far as you can toward the stage.
3. If you are trying to protect a woman she needs to be in front of you, people will move out of the way to let her get to safety.  DO NOT EVER try to go backwards to get out of the pit, you may end up laying on the ground being stomped into a crying, bloody mess.

This concert was kinda weird to us.  It was like there were a gang of people that did not know what was happening or what to do while the bands were playing.  They were looking around in shock and disbelief as people bumped into them.  I mean it really is called a "sea of bodies" for a reason.  Then there was the 40 something woman that stared each one of us down every time the band said a cuss word, and especially when we repeated it.

When you go see bands play with hit songs like: Let the bodies hit the floor, dead bodies everywhere, Shut the Fuck up Get Up, what the fuck do you expect?  When Jonathan Davis of Korn leads the crowd in a frenzied, enraged rendition of "Ya'll want a single, say FUCK THAT!"  you know what to expect.  While Drowning Pool was playing "Let the bodies hit the floor" the woman behind me, that we had been talking to, found herself to be on the edge of the pit.  She was not very happy to have been hit in the back several times.  When I heard her screaming I turned around to see her grab a guy by the collar of his shirt and start throwing punches at his face.  She did hit him several times, but not really hard enough to bother him.

This brings me to my last point:
4. Never take it personally if you get cussed, bumped, hit , kicked, or any of that at a metal concert.  Everybody there wants to unwind and have a good time.  No one is intentionally trying to hurt anybody.  I have even had people apologize if they think they may have offended, or injured me.  Not necessary, but appreciated.  I remembered the time I crawled out of the pit at a Danzig concert.  I got the shit knocked out of me being so short, and literally crawled all the way back to the wall.  Several people came to help me up.  I got a beer, caught my breath, and went back in.  No worries.

I was thoroughly impressed with Drowning Pools performance.  Very good band to go see live.  I think Korn sounded better than they ever have before.  I was just in awe of them.  Like I was saying when Jonathan led us in a 5 minute rendition of a 2 minute song,  of "Ya'll want a single," it became a frenzy.  The whole crowd (except for that one lady who was staring evil at me) had both their middle fingers up flipping him off, and he just smiled.  The louder we yelled "Fuck that, fuck that shit!" the bigger his smile got.  You could actually tell he was enjoying it just as much as we were.

I hope they come back again next year.  "ARE YOU READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Yep, I am. 

Anniversary 8 - Infinity

 Here it is, well almost.  It is actually on the 12th, but we are gonna party like rock stars tonight.  "ARE YOU READY!!!!!!!"  Yes, Korn in concert tonight.  Korn was our first date and first concert together. I don't think we have missed one in the area yet.  Eight years we have been married, and some wonderful times we have had.  I think the last few years have been incredible.  We had to lose everything, all our material possessions, in order to find out what was really important to us.  Each other and our very close knit, little clan.

Yeah... "I'd catch a grenade for ya...."  My wife, my love, my best friend.  You said anniversaries don't need themes, but this one already has a theme song and back up dancers.  How many years did it take you to get rid of all my MC Hammer pants?  LMFAO!  I couldn't imagine what I would do without you.  It was hard to see in the beginning, with all the turmoil and struggle.  You were meant for me.  You have made me so happy and been such a wonderful mother for our children.  I love you!

The number 8 has many almost magical connotations.  I am only concerned with one, "The Lazy Eight" they call it, or "Infinity."  We have been married for 8 years, known each other longer, but we will be together forever.  There you go, maybe it will all make sense now.  Eight years, infinity, grenades (figure 8) and anniversaries, it's all there. 

I'm a HaCk!.!.

I am a hack, a liar, a thief, a charlatan, a fake, a quack, a imitator, a duplicator and more.  I am the KING of deception in my own little world.  Everything I have ever said has been ripped straight from another's lips.  I borrow thoughts, images, words and ideas from everyone and everything in my environment.  The world is an open book, for me to click, copy and paste.

I am told I live the ultimate freedom.  I am an individual who works to create a "whole."  I can make all my own choices.  I often wonder if there really is any freedom.  All of our actions have been guided by what we are taught by our parents, social institutions, and peers.  When we rebel from what we are taught is "right" and stray off the path they provide, we become "problem" children.  Only to be sedidated, medicated, hospitalized or imprisoned.

Nothing is new.  It has all been done before.  I would love to take credit, but I really can't.  I am just another product.  Created, built, bundled, packaged, boxed, and shipped for the mass market.  We know it as society.  We each have a role to play; jock, socialist, slut, nerd, freak, punk, princess, skater, fag, communist, dork, fool, clown, porn star, etc.  We all have been labeled.  Just pass me under the bar code scanner and see who I really am.  Hopefully, once and a while it will come back with "Item not found."  "Price check on Jamboi."