Dark Secrets

I swore I would never speak of what happened that day.  I was afraid that if I did they would come and find me.  Make me disappear, or worse harm my family or friends.  Son, here in the twilight of my days I would like to tell you a secret, one I have kept for 66 years.  You may not believe it, or you may.  Whatever you do, do not speak openly about it or they may come for you.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I got a call about 2 broken golf carts that needed repair at about 4pm.  I remember being so pissed because I was supposed to get off at 5 and I knew this would take hours.  None the less I gathered up my tools, jumped in my van and headed to that industrial, pollution filled facility.  It had only been a few days since my last visit there, but upon my return I noticed a lot of changes.

They had installed 2 new automated security gates, with barbed wire across the top.  I had to get out and go to the security house to sign in.  The sign in sheet had a total makeover as well: Name, Organization, Date, Time, Badge Number, Vehicle Type, License Number, Computer Serial Number, Smart phone Serial Number.  Humm, computer or smart phone...... I thought.  They gave me a new badge and let me in.

I reached the golf carts in question and got out my tools.  I took off the battery cover on the first one and immediately noticed one of the battery wires had been disconnected.  Not broken, but unscrewed.  "What the hell?" I thought.  I put the wire back on and hopped on to test it out.  I drove around the entire facility and it was running fine.  I noticed a line of large trucks lined up down one side of the road.  They appeared to be hauling loads of wood chips, like the kind you might put in a flower bed.

I decided to give the golf cart one more trip to make sure it was running A-OK.  In the middle of the second lap is when something caught my eye.  One of the trucks was being lifted up and a 45 degree angle.  It seemed so weird that I quickly snapped a picture with my cell phone.  I drove on past it and down the road, when I heard a loud *CrAsH* and metal *BaNgInG* on metal.  Then there was this very loud sound like very high winds, like a tornado almost *WoOsH*.  Without thinking I took my foot off the pedal and slammed on the brake.  I turned my head around and what I saw made me jump right out of the seat.  There was a security truck right behind me, only inches from my bumper, with the blue and red lights flashing angrily.

A man got out and walked stiffly up to me.  It was a very odd walk, like his legs did not bend at the knees.  He asked me some questions:  "Who do you work for?  What are you doing?  How long are you going to be here?  Do you know it is dangerous to stop on the main road?"  I told him the truth and apologized, he told me to go on and finish my work up.  I could not help but to wonder, where did he come from?  It was like he appeared out of the air.  I had been going there for 5 years and never saw him before, or that security truck.  I started driving back and glanced back again, the truck was gone...... like it just vanished into thin air.

I parked the golf cart by the security gate and started looking at the other one.  It had gotten dark so I had to go to the van and grab my flashlight.  "That is really weird, I thought I parked on the left side of the parking lot, not the right" I thought to myself.  I had been here so many times I just figured my mind was playing tricks on me.  Flashlight in hand, I walked back to the golf cart.  After looking around in the battery compartment I noticed the same thing, one of the battery wires had been disconnected, not broken, just unscrewed.  "Holy Sabotage Batman!"  I yelled in my mind.  This was just too weird.  I do not know if our people had done this to get out of working tonight, or if their people had done this to make our people leave.

I decided to put the cable back on and test this cart as well.  I drove around to the back of the facility and heard some very loud *BaNgInG* noises again.... and then a *SwOoSh* that seemed right above my head.  It was dark now and I was trying to stick to the main road only.  I heard a loud *VrOoM vRoOm* very close to me, accompanied with a very bright *FlAsH* of light, so I stopped.   I could not really make out what I was looking at because it was so dark.  "Ah Ha!"  My new smart phone had a night vision camera.  I pulled it out and pointed at the area of the noises.  The picture was of another truck at about a 45 degree angle.  I changed the settings on my phone and snapped another picture as quickly as I could, and drove off.  Back at the parking lot I checked the pictures again.

What I saw in the second picture was shocking.  I had taken a inferred picture of the area, because smart phones these days can do almost anything.  What looked like a normal semi truck was shining a very iridescent silver.  The whole truck seemed to be glowing, not unlike a distant star on a clear night.  What had originally appeared to be wood chips was now glowing an eerie fluorescent blue.  I had assumed the chips were being unloaded earlier, but now I realized they were being pushed, forcefully, at a very high speed at what appeared to be a solid metal wall, several feet thick.  This was causing the *WoOsHiNg* noise I had heard several times.  It reminded me of watching the space shuttle take off on TV.  For a second, I found myself mourning for the people that died on the space shuttle Challenger, all those years ago.

I felt like a child who just learned something new, I had to see it again and again.  I decided to "Test" out the cart once again.  I drove around to approximately where I had saw the truck, but this time I took the side road behind it, instead of the main road in front.  I snapped a picture and it was blank.  I changed settings and snapped another, but it was blank too.  "What the Fuck" I thought.  I drove on toward the next road when I heard a very loud *RoAr!*  I could not see anything, but there was definitely something there.  I came to a dead stop and snapped another picture.  I clicked the picture and looked at it.  I got so scared I dropped my phone and floored the golf cart.  It was chasing me, right behind me breathing down my neck.... whatever vile, evil thing it was.

 
I knew now those were not trucks like I had assumed earlier.  They were alive, like some sort of wild animal roaming the forest for food.  I was in their forest, and I was food.   I drove as fast as that cart would go back to the parking lot.  I didn't stop for the stop signs, or slow down for the railroad tracks, just flew right over them.  I reached the parking area and skidded the cart into a spot sideways.  I grabbed my loose tools from the floorboard of the cart and threw them into the toolbox, and as fast as I could I ran and jumped into my work van.  I locked the doors and tried to catch my breath.  As I looked outside everything looked normal.  The parking are was lit up and there were several vehicles parked in their "reserved" spots, just like always.

I decided I better just leave.   I drove to the gate and the guard motioned for me to come to the window.  I slowly walked over, trembling.  He said I looked pale and asked if I was OK.   I told him it had been a very long day and I was tired.  He asked me to walk through a metal detector, and then to sign out.  "Do you have a camera, laptop, or cellphone?" he asked.  "No, I lost my phone earlier today," I told him.  He invited me to the next Southern Misfits Roller Derby match, and wished me a safe night.  I had been to several matches and he knew we were big supporters. *WiNk, WiNk*

I drove out of the gate and about a mile down the road when I saw another *FlAsH* of light.  I pulled over and looked up into the clear night sky.  I saw several bright stars directly over the facility.  I watched for several more minutes and saw another *FlAsH* and a streak of light come from the facility, at about a 45 degree angle.  I decided I needed to get home before it got any later and put my van in drive.

Just then, there was a *FlAsH* and I saw a black Cadillac Escalade, with red and blue lights flashing angrily in the grill.  It had just appeared in front of me from no where.  I put the van in reverse and saw a second *FlAsH* behind me.  Yep, another black SUV with flashing lights.  To my knowledge it was perfectly legal to pull onto the shoulder of the road.  I put the van in park, turned it off and rolled down the window.  There really was not anything else I could do, I was pinned in on both sides.  "If you have not done anything wrong, you have nothing to fear" was a quote running through my mind.

There, a few feet from my van, appeared the security guard from earlier.  This time he was wearing a solid black suit and sunglasses.  He very clumsily and stiffly walked to my window. In his hand he held a small wallet with a badge and an ID card.  Curious, he only had 4 fingers on his hand.  FBI, John Smith, it said.  Without even a movement on his part I felt something dragging me out the window and it slammed into his vehicle.  As I hit it, and hit it hard,  I heard a very loud *GrOwL* and I knew what it was.  Mr. John Smith never moved, nor did his mouth, but I felt his words inside my mind.  It hurt terribly, intense pain,  so intense I passed out.

"We work for the Federal Government of the United States of America.  We own you.  We know everything there is to know about you, your family, pets and friends.  You will forget everything you saw here tonight, EVERYTHING!  We have ways of watching you from the sky, and we can track you wherever you try to run to.  If you ever mention this we will know.  Even if you do talk, you have no proof, and NO ONE will believe it.  Live you life, James, and never speak of this again."  Then there *FlAsHeD* this horrible monster in my mind.  It was so horrible I cried every time I pictured it for years afterward.  It was eating a person, chewing him up, with blood everywhere.  It was my friend from the Guard Shack.

I woke up in my bed at home.  Every part of my body hurt and I had a terrible headache.  There were 2 sores on the back of my neck, like puncture wounds.  I had a mysterious new tattoo of a smiling mouth with iridescent blue, viciously pointy teeth, on my chest.  I knew it was a reminder.  I called in sick at work for a few days.  When I did go back I found my van parked, with my tool box still sitting on the passenger seat.  I opened it up and there was my phone.  I must have picked it up when I loaded up my tools.  I had proof, but who would I tell? 

Several weeks later I got a call to go back to the facility.  One of the golf carts was broken down and they needed it that night.  I called them back and told them to check the battery wires before I came down there.  The wires were fine so I had to go.  I checked in at the gate and went straight to the golf carts.  I found a loose wire and fixed it.  This time I just drove it in the parking lot to test it.  While I was signing out at the guard shack I asked when Joe worked.  I did not see him at the Southern Misfits game like I normally did.  He was their EMT, he was at every game.  The guard told me they had not seen him in 3 weeks.  He said Joe apparently abandoned his post that night and no one, even his wife has heard from him since.  Now I knew why he was not at that game, that was not just a vision in my mind..... they killed him.  

I have not told anyone until now.  You can't believe how guilty I feel for my friends death, even to this day.  If I wouldn't have been so curious, he would still be alive.  Shortly son, I will be gone from this Earth.  This is my only confession.  It feels good to finally let this horror out, and with my death they will believe the secret is dead.  I have always been so proud of you and I love you.  This is my final goodbye, Dad.

Trivial

Wow, have you looked at the date?  December 15, 2011, where did the year go?  I see quite a bit of news, blogs and video discussing the "end of the world."  They screwed us those Mayans did, ending the calendar like that.  On December 21, 2012 we may just *poof* and cease to exist.  Possibly, the planet will undergo and extreme natural transformation and we will no longer be needed.  Perhaps, just maybe.... we will evolve into beings of pure energy and leave this plane of existence.
 
No more time or time will end, really?  You do know the concept of time is a man made theory to explain the order of events, don't you?  More specifically, we have to know how long we are going to live.  Very selfish of us.  I do like this "end of the world" concept, even changed some of my aliases to jamboi2012 and jamonit2012, and even JamCo2012 Production several years ago.  I don't like the idea of everybody dying, but I do like the idea of having an exact date for the "END."  Putting an exact date on "Judgement Day" tends to put social issues in perspective, doesn't it?  The day many people believe that we will be judged by God for our actions in this mortal plane.  So now that you know where I am coming from.......  hop on this roller coaster and ride with me.  You can scream all you want, but please no puking, I only brought 1 change of clothes.

To that end, I laugh my ass off.  We are looking at a date the world will end. It is just over a year from now.  The reason I laugh is this funny shit right here. ---->  Isn't it ironic that we are still fighting over such Trivial Bullshit as the color of someones skin?  The world may end... but you are not the same color as me so I do not like you.  WTF!?!?!  Yet here I sit, perplexed by that exact drama unfolding around me.  I do not quite understand why people are racist, so this is to explore my own thoughts as well.  No one is born hating anyone, or anything for that matter.  I believe it is a learned behavior, which in turn means someone must be teaching it. 

You see, I was raised as military brat. I have been in direct contact with people of almost every race, color, creed, and religion.  If you walk on a military base you will see people of different races holding hands, hugging or kissing.  Many service personnel marry people from other countries.  Never, have I cared what color someones skin was.  I do not think I have any racism in my soul.  I examine all people based on what is inside them; personality, education, common sense, and above all is the way they treat me.  I like ALL people, until they give me a reason not to. 

Once again I am an outsider looking in.  Here in Southern Mississippi and Louisiana racism runs rampant in the streets and the institutions.  It is a way of life, passed down from generation to generation.  IGNORANCE BREEDS INTOLERANCE!  That does not mean these people are not educated, quite the contrary and some are very well educated.  I do not think that all people down here are bigots, they are not.  It is probably about 50/50 if I had to guess.

Do you really think that a persons skin color automatically makes them this, or that?  Do you really believe that "She can't help it because she's black?"  I hear this shit all the time at work and at outside accounts.  "I won't vote for a damn Nigger for President," referring to President Obama.  I have been in a conversation with some one who I looked up to, a mentor so to speak.  Just as casually as saying hello, he states that "Niggers are ruining this country."  I almost fell down.   I just looked at him in awe, the conversation was over for me, so I walked away. 

I have been told several times that "Blacks have destroyed the school system."  Please, Mr. Bigot, let me see your proof of that. I was told the other day that a black man, had asked out a white woman, I work with out on a date. She said that her legal guardian did not approve of her dating or being friends with blacks.  Once again, I almost fell down with shock.  This Ultra Christian can not date black people, because her Ultra Christian guardian (owner of a church) says blacks are not as good as whites.  I was explained to his theory on mixing the races, and of course it says so in the bible.  NOT!

Let me not get it twisted, it is not just the white people either.  I have heard so much racist crap from black people around here as well.  My very first run in with racism was from several "friends" of mine.  I had several black friends growing up in Louisiana.  We played basketball all the time, at school or at the park.  Some of us hung out and learned to break dance on cardboard boxes in someones front yard.  I thought we were tight, homies.

I got very close to a girl named Suzann in the 7th grade.  We studied at the library and at each others houses together.  I think it was partly because we were both doing very bad in Social Studies.  After about half the school year we started getting really close, holding hands and such.  We were hanging out all the time after school.  I started to notice I was getting the shit knocked out of me on the basketball court at school.  Then it happened, she said we couldn't hang out anymore one day at school.  I kept bugging her as to "Why?"  She started avoiding me.  Then I got a knock on the front door and saw several of my "friends" in the front yard.  I went outside thinking they wanted to hang out, and was slammed up against my dad's truck.  They were Suzann's brothers and cousins.  They had a plain and simple message for me.  I was not ever to lay a finger on their sister again, or any other black woman on this planet.

I was in shock for days.  Some of my closest friends had turned on me.  The one that gave me the name Jamboi, jam on little white boi, had threatened me.  All this because I was white and I dared to get close to a black woman.  To me she was just a girl I really liked being around, it hurt me a lot.  I didn't talk to Suzann anymore.  I didn't play basketball at school or the park anymore.  I had to find somewhere else to break dance at.  The only one I was still cool with was Ant, or Anthony.  He was her little brother and he didn't give a fuck, we were still homies.  He told me years later she was still sad about what happened, so was I.  Let's just leave those skeletons in the closet from now on.

The most amazing part to me is that anytime I have brought this up in conversation, I am told I am wrong.  People have called me a liar, a drama queen or a "shit starter."  Some discussions have gotten so heated I expected to have to literally fight my way out of the room.  White racists are in denial.  Everyone is unhappy with the way the country is heading.  I think white people just refuse to take their share of responsibility for fucking it up, so they blame it on black people.  Black racists say they wouldn't be racist, if the whites weren't.  That's bullshit too.  They say it is because of slavery that they hate whites.  Can you blame them for holding a grudge?  "Blue eyed white devil."  At the same time, no one in my families history had slaves.  None.  So how can all white people be blamed for the actions of some?

Our cultures and history are so different that we do have a hard time meshing together.  Sometimes we can't even talk to each other, just don't know where to start.  When we do it leads to such amazing collaborations, teamwork, and even babies.  I have seen several mixed racial children that are just beautiful, way beyond "normal" beautiful.  What if Andre Young had told Marshall Mathers to fuck off because he was white?  Just imagine that shit.

Well, before I get my ass beat for dissing on black and whites, let me get to the problem at hand, the situation... the reason this is weighing so heavily on my mind.  I was asked for my opinion, and ideas for solutions to this problem.  That was a bad idea.  Never ask me for a solution if you are afraid of upsetting the status quo.  We are contractors.  That means they hire us to come work in their businesses, in their environments.  We have people of several races that work for us.  The people that own the company say "Go there!" and we go there.  We are just worker bees in search of a little honey.

We recently got a new account, a pretty large account.  The people that we have working there are black, the supervisor is black, and the sales people are black.  They started finding things written on walls in bathrooms, on paper taped to mirrors and lockers, and pictures/drawings taped up around the place.  The people working for us thought they were directed at them.  One of them even said she was going to quit because she feared for her safety.... her life even.  I don't blame her at all.  The graffiti was sayings like this; "Die Nigger Die!" "The only good nigger is a dead nigger." "We don't want your kind here."  "Go back to Africa, Nigger."  It hurts my heart to even repeat it.  There were several pictures of a person hanging by a rope from a tree found and quite a few pictures of burning crosses.

So, some of my people, met with some of their people.... and he said, and she said, and everybody talked... "Yada, Yada, Yada Nigga... It's just talk." (Tech N9ne)  You see, this is where is all leads back to "Who teaches racism and why?"  I can tell people from here the approximate location of the school, and they instantly say "The White School."  It is common knowledge to them.  This is an all white school, from K through 12.  Did you read that right?  All white school.  It is a Christian School, a private Christian school.  When they say private, THEY MEAN FUCKING PRIVATE!  The people running the school have even said as much.  They say the parents want it that way.  They have passed all these rules and qualifications in order to keep it that way.  Not to mention you have to be pretty wealthy to send your kids there in the first place.

Some of the people working there are friends of mine, and I do not wish to see them harmed.   I can not believe I actually have to worry about their safety, but I do.  I can only imagine what it must be like for a black man/woman having to work in that environment, with those kinds of people.  Especially the type of people some of them are.  Proud black folks, very well educated and dedicated to their work, professionals.  They impress me very much for being able to do their jobs so well, even when faced with all this hatred.  I am opposite, a middle class white boi, with a college degree.  I can't possibly know where they are coming from, can I?

So that is where we are at, a stand off.  A bunch of racist as hell white folks, trying with all their power to keep their kids away from the "niggers."  If this is how the human race has evolved over the last couple hundred years, maybe we need to call it quits in 2012.  Just a thought I have had.  Fuck it, just push the button and blow us all to kingdom come.  Sometimes I am ashamed to be white.  I think about how my race has treated so many other races over the years.  We are conquerors, conquer, kill, rape, pillage, and enslave.  Even now we are trying to enslave the middle east in the name of freedom and democracy.  Oh please.....

So that is my macro view.  People hate each other because they are different.  White people are in denial and refuse to accept any responsibility for their own actions.  It is easy to blame the blacks, Indians, Native Americans, Latinos, Spanish, French, British, and now Muslims for our problems.  It is much easier to just stick with that, than it is to try to change it. 

Here is my theory about all this racism bull shit.  The government, yep government, stands to benefit more than anyone from racism and segregation.  Have you ever filled out a government form that didn't ask for age, sex, and race?  According to our government everything has to be categorized.  African American, Caucasian American, Asian American, Native American Indian, etc.  Why is that.... to keep us apart.  Just think about it for a minute.  Is there anything we couldn't do if we were all united?  No obstacle would be too big for a truly "United States."  Would we need all these fucking politicians?  No.  So I think the government is behind it all.

Hopefully with each passing generation the racism will fade away.  It has not been very long ago that whites had slaves.  Many families did not, but we are all guilty, until proven innocent.  I look forward until the day all my brothers and sisters can stand together, United, and fight the real demons in this world..... not each other.  Finally, putting an end to all this trivial bullshit.

Manhood

This is a short story I had to do for an advanced art project, way back as a freshman in high school.  We were asked to write a poem or short story using only cutout words and letters from magazines.  Serial killer note style.  This thing was AWESOME and I kept it for a long time.  It took an entire week of class to complete.  If only I had gotten a scanner before all the glue melted away from the humidity.  I can't remember where I got these ideas from, probably plagiarised as hell, but here goes............

-~-

Manhood

Taught not to cry and reveal my soft spots, a dream about Manhood!  With a swell of confidence, I cried, "WATCH THIS!"  I leaped into the air and the sun smashed into my eyes.  I fell, plunging backwards, and sinking slowly underwater.  A second before I floated to the surface, I listened for my father's applause, but I saw only a smirk.  Now I realize it was a smile.

"A man is a man who can always look the same, no matter what plagues his tiresome soul."  Least ways, that's what Pops said.  I pull the Sony Walkman's music from my ears, as he remarks on the burning eyes of the man smacking the innocence, out of the young child.

I stood..... watching, as an old photograph fades back into the stream.  In the photograph I am bundled up and warm, in a thick, padded jacket.  My head is covered by a layer of animal fur, a sacrifice not soon to be forgotten.  I hit at the air, I scowl..... lashing out and searching for a spark of what flickers inside!

Years ago, to stop the tears a bully had beaten out of me...... My father, with an easy twist of the wrist, whipped me into a man.  The pain was gone, for there had never been a pain as bad as this new pain.  His bear head and and heavy glasses torment my eyes.  I did not cry anymore, and to this day I have not cried again.

In times of trouble I clam up and fizzle, like a hot, shaken Dr. Pepper.  Only as I'd seen him do.  HE IS A MAN!  His father was a man, as was his father's father.  Bottled up emotions hid truths.  Alcohol festered anger in their hearts, and consumed them in fire.  They died in pure silence, their spirits are finally free, grinding into Heaven.

I carry on, and OH, how I have learned to cry.  My emotions no longer composed of pure ice.  Sometimes..... for my father, I am still not allowed to cry.  I thank you... I love you... Never my Daddy... Forever my Father... and your fucked up dream about Manhood!
-~-
 A related vibe from a 2011 rap song, quote by Brotha Lynch Hung and COS, from the song "Spit it out."

I'm colder than the glacier
Even where my heart breaking
Everything aching can't repair myself
Every mirror in here broken like I can't stare at myself
I see clear through the smoke cause I got air in myself
But every time they give me rope they think I tear at myself

The Day My Earth Stood Still.

There I was laying in bed feeling like one hell of a cold was ravaging my whole body.  Laying in bed, sniffling, snorting, coughing, aching and burning up.  My phone rang, party rock anthem played and I heard a chime for a voicemail.  I was feeling so bad I couldn't even reach the phone.  I fell back to sleep.  A little while later the phone rang again.  Even in my delirious state I knew the phone ringing twice before 9am on a Sunday was bizarre.  I looked and my father had called twice and sent a text message.  Yes, my 68 year old Dad has learned to text!  I read the text, "Your mother is very sick, please call her immediately."  I jumped up and listened to the voice mails.

They are divorced, mom and dad, and mom lives by herself.  For years she has smoked cigarettes and drank excessive quanties of alcohol.  Other people would flat out say she is an alcoholic.  Dad called her this morning and asked how she was doing and she said "I am going to lay down in this bed and die."  He asked if she needed to go to the emergency room, and she said "I think so."  She would NEVER say she wanted to go to the doctor unless something was VERY wrong.  Dad was in Baton Rouge, 3 hours away, so he called me.  I am still one hour away, but I can make it in 40 minutes flat.  ;-)

I roll my nasty self out of bed and go straight to the hot shower to open up my passages a little, and breathe.  I call dad back while getting dressed.  We talk, I tell him I think I am going to have to go to the E.R. too.  I get off the phone with him and call her.  "Mom, are you OK?" I ask.  "Jimmy, I am going to lay in this bed and die" she tells me.  "No, no you are not, I am on my way to your house" I tell her.  She tries to tell me not to come, but she knows she is not going to make it if I don't.

I talk to Kelly, my wonderful wife.  I kiss my adorable kids Gabe, 12 and Max 2, goodbye.  I know in my heart I will not be back for a while.  I give Gabe the "you are now the oldest man in the house and you better help your mother out because she can't do it all by herself" speech.  I bet every man on this planet has heard that speech at least once in their lives.  I packed up a few clothes and necessities in my duffel bag and hit the road.  I was so worried about what I would find all the way there.  I normally went to see her every other Sunday.  I would do anything she needed around the house and take her grocery shopping, then to Dollar General and usually to the package store.  I was going to miss this Sunday because I was so sick, but I had to go anyway.

I got to the house and sat outside in the driveway for several minutes trying to get up my courage.  The front door was locked, but I had a key.  I went into the living room and immediately started choking.  My mom has always raised birds, all the way from parakeets to green wing macaws.  Birds constantly shed dust or dander.  My mom has always been good about having about 10 air filters in the house and she cleaned the filters almost daily.  It had obviously been a while.  There was a layer of white powder on everything in the house.  I had to go pee, so I went straight to the bathroom on what was once "my" side of the house.  I walked through several spider webs. When I looked in the toilet I saw mosquito larvae filling the toilet bowl.  I knew she was bad off then.

I went to her room and she was sitting on the edge of the bed with her purse in her hands.  She was dressed and ready to go.  I asked her if she could walk and she said she didn't know.  I went back out and moved the SUV to the edge of the front door.  I went back in and only by sheer stubbornness did she walk to the SUV, with my help.  We set out for the closest emergency room.  We chose North shore in Slidell, Louisiana because she had been seen there several times before.  Little did we know the horrors we would find.

We went to the emergency room.  During the initial check-in the nurse said she had an irregular heartbeat and brought her straight to a room in the back.  She had several tests and was admitted to the hospital that afternoon.  The next day they did a multitude of tests, EKG, chest x-ray, cat scan, all kinds of blood work.  Tuesday came and the main hospitalist doctor came in.  He said, "I did not want to have to tell you this, I have been trying for hours to find an easier way of saying it, but there isn't one, we are 90% sure you have Lung Cancer Mrs. Day."  He said they were scheduling a bronchoscopy for the following morning.  They would do a biopsy and send it off for results.

So there it was, the thing that no one wants to hear, Lung Cancer.  Yet she smoked for 30 something years.  She used to tell me she hoped I would come down one day and find her dead on the floor of her house.  I guess she just never realized it was not that easy.  This will apparently drag on for months, if not years.  She has a urinary tract infection, phenomia, very low sodium count, dehydrated, malnourished, arterial fibrillation of her heart, and lung cancer.  It has not been pretty so far, and they tell me the worst is yet to come.

So, there you have it.... The day my earth stood still.  The day quite a few peoples lives changed because my mother wanted to kill herself.  She refused to get any sort of help.  She refused to enjoy any type of life with her grandchildren.  She refused to to stop drinking or smoking.  I have now taken a FM LA leave from my job to become a full time caregiver.  She needs someone around 24 hours a day.  My family has to suffer now, for her irrational behavior.  They say she has to eat and drink all the nutrients and vitamins she can, because the radiation therapy will more than likely kill her.  She has a tumor in her windpipe, and multiples inside her lungs.

Even after years of preparing, I was still floored by the news.  I have seen this coming for almost 10 years.  Yet, I still cried for an hour and an half straight on my drive back to Petal, Ms.  I am starting to feel selfish, and at the same time ashamed of myself.  I realize I have given up almost all of my life to care for her.  It has put a very real hurt on my family.  I have been fighting to keep my wife and oldest son happy.  We are at times, drifting apart.  I moved my mother into my house, which was already too small.  We had to take away the youngest ones room, while we wait on an addition to the house.  The stress is showing, even on the 2 year old who has cried himself to sleep for the last 3 nights.

There it is, the day my earth stood still, Sunday January 15th, 2012.  Something people never seen to  think about is, how much does your way of life affect your loved ones?  I would imagine it is a lot more than you know, more than you will ever know, more than they will ever tell you.  It is amazing how my mom always wanted to die, right up until they said she was dying.  That is when she told the doctor "I want to live and spend more time with my grandchildren."  Tonight she has called me into her room 4 times.  She needed to pee she said.  She can't even stand up without some help.  I will help.  She is my mom and I love her so much.  I will be there for her, til the end, no matter how bad it is.

People Equal Shit

It is a jazz cover, absolutely amazing.

People do equal shit in the broad scheme of things, manure to fertilize the ground.  Food for the maggots and worms.  No matter how poor or rich, lowly or important, weak or strong, we will all be reduced to compost.

Why does it matter?  There is a beginning and an end to life.  We have no idea how long it will last, do we?  You can talk about living to the ripe old age of ___ (insert desired number here).  Some may take a different approach, saying things like "I want to go out with a bang" or "I want to die before my body deteriorates into a pile of mush."  My favorite saying is "I want to go out while I am having sex, right as I reach an orgasm."  Do you know how fucked up that is going to be to your partner?  Scarred for the rest of their lives!!!  "Yeah, but I will die one happy son of a bitch!"  You could be reading this on your smart phone right now, not see the open manhole cover in front of you and fall, screaming to your death.  We just don't know when Azrael will come to take us away from this mortal plane.

My point is this;  We have no idea how long we are going to live, so it is what you do in between that counts.  Why act like a piece of shit while you are alive, when you will be one when you die?  We all have to make choices every day.  Why not choose to be nice and helpful to your fellow mankind?  No one makes anybody be mean or hurtful, it is just a choice.  Life is so much more enjoyable when we treat each other with compassion and respect.  I choose to like everybody, until they give me a reason not to.  Even then I may still give them another chance.

To me it seems like hard work being mean and nasty to people. My mother has worked so hard to make herself miserable.  She works even harder to try and make the rest of us miserable.  With so many blessings in her life, she will not open her eyes to see them.  I know I don't have to do much to be nice, a smile here or a few words of appreciation there.  Not hard at all.  Smiles are contagious, you know?

I C U

It is a song title.  I am relating everything these days to music.  It is not really about this topic, but still a great song if you like dark, mind bending Hip Hop from a man that claims to be a crip and a real life cannibal.  His point is that somebody is always watching you.  When you least expect it they are going to take vengeance for all the horrible things you have done.  (If that bothers you, your conscience is talking and you may need to reevaluate your actions, just saying.)

Here is the point.  We have been working out at the YMCA for months trying to get into better shape.  That quitting smoking thing really killed me.  I gained like 40 pounds in about a year.  Healthier in one way, not in another.  "Oral fixation" they call it.  I constantly search for something to suck or chew on.  I actually think I am a lot better on that front now.  Knowing is half the battle.

So, about a week ago we went to the Y and could not find anywhere to park.  Then we got inside and all of the machines we like to use were full.  We tried several times of the day and they were still full.  I asked some of the people working there about it and they say it happens every year.  New Year's resolutions!  Then after a month or so people just start disappearing.  It has been about 2 weeks and there are still way too many people.  It is really starting to get aggravating.  It costs up $60 a month to be members.  Is that "acceptable" or "satisfying" when we can not even get to do what we want?  ;-)  No.

Here is what I have found and the reason I am so pissed off about this.  I was listening to this song when it hit me and I thought.....  "Nigga, I see you"  Standing there in your very expensive running shoes, very expensive workout outfit, expensive cutie workout jacket, expensive Nike or Addidas hat, wearing your little workout gloves (that match your outfit), with full makeup on, your hair did and full jewelry on.  You have been here every time I have 4 days a week for 2 weeks.  I have not seen you were the same outfit or shoes yet.  That is quite an investment in apparel and time.  Let me just say I am not only talking about the women either.  Guys do it too, just maybe not the makeup.

I can see your faces while you are reading this.  "What is your problem Jam, they just want to look good at the gym?"  Yep, that is it.  They just want to look good at the gym, because they are definitely not fucking working out.  They stand around and talk and gossip, "So how is your mama and 'em?"  They are standing there blocking the machines, or worse, pretending to be using the machine when they are actually just sitting on it.  I have watched people get on an elliptical machine or bicycle for a grand total of 3 minutes.  You can get more exercise getting off the couch, walking to the kitchen, grabbing a beer and walking back to the couch.

When I first noticed it I thought maybe it was just the single people looking for love.  Nope, most are married.  The women really seem to take pride in blinding people with their wedding rings at every chance.  Then I thought that it is possible that 3 minutes is all you can do since you are so out of shape.  Nope, one lady was talking about how she ran 3 miles every morning, then came to the gym every evening. 

In closing, what does it all mean?  I was always told you had to have a closing paragraph in English class and here it is.  I really don't know what it means, but I really wish you people would go the FUCK outside or at least to the hallway with all the chitter~chatter and bull shit.  Some of us really do want to use that $10,000 dollar piece of exercise equipment you are sitting at, leaving butt juice all over while you ask about somebodies pet hamster.  Dammit!!!!  I am not the only one either.  I was talking to a guy tonight and he said "I C U 2!"

Cat~Sup

What?  You actually beLIEved it was made from just tomatoes?

I am going to write a blog today and post it!  That is my new short term goal.  Nothing else matters until it is complete.  It is not that I have not been writing, I have.  I just never can come to an acceptable "The End" in my mind.  Therefore, I have 20 unfinished blog posts saved.  Gurrrrrrr......

Gurrrrrr is right.  I am somewhat sad, a little bit worried, and a whole hell of a lot curious.  Two bloggers that I have been following for some time now, just up and quit.  No warning, no explanation.... just *pOoF* and they are gone.  I never thought blogging would become a hobby, let alone an obsession at times.  In fact, I used to just plain think blogging was stupid and the people that did it were losers with no lives.  I have since changed my entire perspective on the subject.

It is wonderful to be able to share common experiences, feelings, art, music, etc with other people.  It is even more enjoyable for me to learn new things.  I have to admit I have learned a lot about myself, other people and cultures on this here site.  Words, they are just words.  They are, but they are not "just words."  Words can be the most powerful thing in the world.  They can make you so happy you feel like you grew wings and are flying with the angels.  They can make you so sad that you want to slit your wrists, and hope everyone forgets you ever existed.  Yeah..... "just words."  Whatever you do just remember this, use your words wisely.  Words cut to the bone like a razor, yet can mend wounds like a mothers loving embrace.

To those that left, your words will be missed.  To those new ones that join, we have been waiting to hear from you.  To everybody, thanks for sharing your lives with me.  I want to give all of you a gold star for your effort!  just a little jamboi.............