I had a prediction when I was young. It was the only prediction I ever had. I said I would never live past the age of 21. I thought we would all be dead honestly. The wars, the disease, famine, evolution, climate, and over population were all against us. How could we possibly survive when there was this giant monster looming in the darkness just waiting to consume us all? Turns out is was all media spin. Magic of the teLIEvision. They manipulate the facts, mix them with opinions, give us a point of view, then prove it to us. Funny, it is still happening today. Now, thanks to social media, we are bombarded with it every second of every day.
But, I digress. This story is about me and I will make concerted effort to push my add out for long enough to get to my point. I never thought about the "future." I never set any goals. I really didn't think it mattered. When people said I was messing up, I told them it didn't matter. When people said I was ruining my chance to go to college, I said it didn't matter. When people said my behavior was self destructive, I said it didn't matter. When people said I was going to die young, I said it didn't matter. The president may push the button and start a nuclear war with Russia any minute. The next ice age could start tomorrow. Nothing matters.
Boi, I am so glad I was wrong. I moved so many times. Started over so many times. I shed so many skins. I have so many interests. I like so many types of weather. I have friends all over the United States. I love the outdoors. I have learned so much. I have so much more to learn. I have finally forgiven. I have finally forgotten. I am finally sober. I know what makes me happy. I know what I enjoy. I love helping people. I love teaching people. I love coaching kids.
I now have a goal. My goal is to be a part of a good memory in someone's mind. The kind that pops into your head from out of nowhere, makes you stop for a second to remember, and puts a smile on your face. That means something. Means you had a positive impact on someone's life. As the good Doctor said "We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one."
I wish I could have understood all this a long time ago. My mind is fresh and young, but my body feels the weight of all those years of abuse. I still have a lot left to give. Someone told my wife they thought I was a teenager playing soccer a couple days ago. Almost 42 and people think I am a teenager on the soccer field. Maybe I will keep this skin. It fits me quite well.
Here I sit, alone at last. Running away again. In light I burn, in
darkness I flourish. My soul never to be whole again. There was a time
it all made sense. A time I had all the answers. Now I sit and watch as those
I love.... take the leap and slowly fall.
Rhyme and
reason have lost their way. They stumble like broken words. The words I
spoke when I promised "It will all be okay in the end." Here I am. I
crawl away... only to drown my self in sin.
Stuck on
the ledge I cried out for help. You bit and came to the rescue. I
fooled you once. I fooled you twice. My plan was only to use you. Now
it is clear I have gone too far, and only ended up abusing you. Good
bye my love.... I will bleed, but I know all to well why I must lose
you.
Take my pain and use it well, or the darkness will consume you.
I sat down today to finish a few blogs that I had been working on,
off and on. Imagine my surprise to find that only pieces of them
remained. One was very important for Halloween, especially since I was
asked to write it for a couple other people. Normally..... I just write
to get things out of my head. Anyway, it is gone and I am pissed.....
fuck. Apparently, drafts are not always safe. That is not what I was
thinking about anyway.
I was at the gym
today, running like a hamster on a wheel. I had a thought running
through my head.... lyrics from a song actually.
"Every man is evil, yes.
Every man's a liar.
Unashamed with the wicked tongue
Singing in the black soul choir."
16 Horsepower - Black Soul Choir
I
realized today that I have spent so much of my life trying to be the
proverbial "Good Guy." The one that people trust and turn to for help
and advice. The one that would offer assistance with no strings
attached. The proverbial "Good Guy," you know.....the one that always
loses in the end. I spent so much time trying to be that guy, that I
never noticed how bad I actually was.
I decided a while back
that all people have a bad side, a dark side. The main difference is
how far have they gone. Were they willing to compromise their own
principals? Were they willing to injure someone else to get what they
want?
That is the basis of it isn't it? It is all
about selfishness and greed. It is human nature after all. Self
preservation. Survival of the fittest. The ID and the EGO. Wants
versus needs. Protection, stability, control. I am from America where I
was raised to believe I can have anything I want. If no one will give
it to me, then I have to take it. Right?!?!
I always
aspired to be above it all. I can pinpoint where it all went wrong for
me, but I never saw it until now. A boi stole a skateboard from someone
else. He knew he was in trouble so he hid it in my mom's bushes on the
side of our house. I went outside and noticed the bushed were broken
and dying. I looked closer and saw a skateboard. I kept it and told
everybody it was mine. I could not have afforded to buy a new
skateboard.... and I wanted one. I lied and told my mom I did not know
why her bushes were dead. I told him he was not getting it back because
he stole it from somebody else. Somehow I justified it, even knowing
it was wrong.
I look back and realize I was used and
abused by people all my life, and so did I. I can think of things everybody I ever
knew did to me, or someone else that was just plain wrong. A girl wanting to get back at her boyfriend so she dated me
for 2 weeks until he was sufficiently jealous and threw me to the curb.
Many different people needing a ride somewhere when I was the only one
with a license. People finding out I had cigarettes, drugs or alcohol
and wanting to be the best friends.... until it was all gone. People
wanting to borrow music or movies and never seeing them again. People
wanting to hang out and swim, until something was wrong with the pool and they never came back.
Being narked on so somebody else could stay out of jail. Then there is
always the degradation of being raped and taken advantage of by someone you thought really
cared about and wanted to be with you. Man.... that hurt really bad.
I
turned around and did the same shit. The thing about it is that most
of the time it is mutual. Like relationships, we mutually use each
other for things we do not have. I wanted to have children. I wanted
to have lots of sex. I wanted to have someone who would do things I
would not do. She wanted to move out and get away from her parents.
She wanted someone to get her drunk and high. She wanted to experience
things she could only get from an older, more experienced man.
I
never said it was wrong. Most of the time it is not. If it is done
specifically to hurt someone else..... then it IS wrong. We give
to each other. We compliment each other. We push each other. In
reality, for good or bad..... we need each other, and we use each other
to get what we need. Sometimes we just do it in the wrong ways.
His father was in the military and it was time to relocate again.
The move went okay. At least they had finally arrived in their new
town, Fallbrook, California. They could only get some of their stuff
out of storage since they were just renting a apartment for the time
being. Some furniture, clothes, music and his skateboard. He had a few
days to kill before he started school. It was Friday, but Monday would
come all too soon. His second year in the 9th grade and school had
already started here.... joy. Not really his fault, but that is another
story.
The weather was absolutely gorgeous. "Can I go
skate around?" he asked his mom. "Sure, just be back before dark," she
said. There was a gas station off in the distance, obviously this had
to be his destination. I mean how long was he expected to go without a
Mountain Dew? I mean what the fuck! The terrain was very hilly, this
was all new to him. Skate a little..... walk up hill a little.... then
do it all again. Where he came from there were no hills. Everything
was flat.... and wet.
When he finally got back he was
really tired. There was a ledge around the flowerbed and he took a seat
and lit up a cigarette. "Hey," he heard, but paid it no mind. "Guy on
the skateboard!" he heard. Standing up he saw a girl staring at him.
"Hi," he choked out. His first introduction and he was kinda shy, so he
blew it out his ass.
"I'm April, what is your name?" she said.
"James," he replied. "You are not from around here are you?" she
said. He must have heard that statement at least a thousand times. "No, I am from Louisiana." he replied. She paused for a minute,
looking him up and down. "Some of us are going to hang out at the
cemetery up the hill, you wanna come hang?" He got so happy he almost
yelled it out, "Hell Yeah!" They had hung out in cemeteries quite a few
times where he was from. "You find it strange how the darkness calms us." -Mushroomhead That night he got a little drunk, a little
high, and made a couple new friends. The weekend flew by so fast.
Monday
was a real fucking bummer. Waking up at 6 am and getting ready was no
fun. Plus, he was so nervous his stomach was killing him. He spent
half of his time in the bathroom, not knowing if he was going to puke or
crap. He was not a very outgoing person. This shit was like torture.
New city, new state, new school, new person. Jimmy was what he had
been called since he was born. He decided that was no longer him, he
was now James. He got in the car and his parents dragged him to school.
Registration, meeting the principal, a half assed
tour of the campus and they set him loose. Missed first period, so it
was off to second. Late of course. It is bad enough being a new
student, at a new school, but then you have to go in late so everyone
can stare at you. Worse yet, the crazy bitch made him stand in front of
the class and introduced him. He had to sit in a chair because all the
desks were full. She promised to have a desk for him the following
day.... yipp-fucking-ee. Next there was a "morning break" where the students
could get a snack or just chill out for 15 minutes, cool. He got a
powdered donut with jelly filling. You could never get something this
cool at his old school, Awesomeness!
Two more periods
went by and it was lunchtime. He walked down a hallway toward the
lunchroom, at lest he thought it was. Everybody in the hallway was
Latino. They were lined up on both sides, sitting down, backs against
the wall. He heard someone say "I wouldn't walk down that hallway if I
were you, white boy. They will hurt you." James turned around and saw a
Latino guy, with long black hair, wearing a Slayer shirt. "Thanks
man," he said. "No worries," was the reply he got back. It seemed like
everybody knew he was not from there, and what the fuck did "No
Worries" mean?
He decided he was just going to skip
lunch today and walk back to the front of the school. That part seemed
pretty calm to him. There were some benches to sit on and relax. Maybe
read that new skate mag he had brought. Walking by the flag pole he
paused. He never made it to the benches. There was a violent push into
his back and his hat was ripped off his head. Whipping around, he saw a
big white guy holding his hat. Then the guy threw it into the trash
can. James said "what the fuck is your problem?" The ogre hollered
back, "Nobody wears blue around here and gets away with it." James was
not about to lose his favorite skate hat to some giant douche bag. He
said "Okay, I won't wear it here anymore," as he walked over and picked
it up out of the trashcan. It was a baby blue Nike hat with duct tape
on it. One of his best friends gave it to him before he moved. He
dusted it off and was putting it into his book bag when the giant yelled
at him, "No, I am going to kick your ass."
Well shit,
James thought. This dude is a lot bigger than me. He is probably going
to beat my ass, but I am not backing down. Just then he felt a hard
shove in his chest and had to take a couple steps back to get his
balance. Every hair on his body raised up. He walked back up and
pushed the guy back and stepped back with both fists clenched... it was
on now. Just then another guy walked in between them and said "It's
cool, chill out." He looked at James and said "He was trying to punk
you, and you are obviously not a punk. We are going to go to the
tunnels to grab a smoke, wanna ditch with us?" Let's see, stay in this
scary ass school and probably get his ass beat, or sneak off and smoke a
cigarette with some people he knew nothing about. "Yeah I'll go with
you," he replied.
They walked to the edge of the school
property waited for a few minutes, making sure nobody was watching.
There were 6 of them on this covert operation. Then down into a large
drainage ditch, under a bridge and into a large storm drain. They lit
up cigarettes, some lit up joints. This was a cool place and he was
starting to relax again. They were asking him questions, "Where you
from, are you a skateboarder, you like drugs, been in trouble with the
law?" Matter of fact he was on probation at the time. One of them said
"We can make sure nobody fucks with you anymore. We are going to start
a rumor that you are fucking crazy and just got out of juvie for
stabbing somebody." He could tell the giant douche was still wanting to
fight him from the tone in his voice. He lit some paper on fire and
threw it at James. James grabbed it and threw it back. The other guy
suggested they smoke a joint and chill the fuck out, so that is just
what they did.
Everything was cool and they kinda dazed
off. James looked over and saw a girl. She was sitting a little ways
away from them. She had caught his eye earlier, but the violence had
made him forget everything else. He didn't think she had said hardly
anything the whole time they had been there. She smiled for a second as
they made eye contact, and they both quickly looked away. He kept
glancing at her. She was a little taller, dirty blond, brown eyes, nice
tits, hot ass, and dressed way to nice to be hiding in a storm drain.
She was beautiful and he was very intrigued. He asked the douche about
her. "Who is she?" "Her name is Aimee, but I call her Aim-word. I am
going to ask her out." "The fuck you are" James thought.
He
snuck away from school almost everyday. They introduced him to
Munchkin Land, and showed him how to sneak out of every part of the
school. There would be new people and new distractions. It was like
being part of a secret underground organization. He tried to talk to Aimee every
day. In fact, his whole day was based on seeing her. More importantly
was seeing her smile. If he did not see her his day would be ruined.
She began talking back. She really did not talk a lot, in fact
sometimes he felt like he had to pull the words out of her. Actually,
she did not have to talk because he could see so much in her eyes. They
seemed to both be hiding from something. Maybe they should hide
together, he thought. She made him fell better, just being close to
her. He fell head over heels in love with her, and he never looked
back.......
It started out being easy to make friends
in California. Nothing like back in the south. It seemed like in
Louisiana if you were not born there, they did not want you there.
These new friends we different. It was like they were all people that
did not fit in somewhere else, so they just stuck together. They taught
him a lot about gangs, colors and turf. Things he didn't know anything
about.
The newness of California wore off really quickly. He missed his old
friends so much. At times he spent hours alone, crying in his room.
His father told him this would only be a two year post and then they
would go back to Louisiana. In his mind he was just killing time until
they moved back. He made it a point not to get too close to his new
friends, but there was one he was already very close to.
Alcohol
and drugs were easily available. That was part of why they hung out in
the cemetery a lot. It made them feel comfortable in the darkness, and
there were never many people around. He never really felt comfortable
about snorting lines off of some one's gravestone though. Somethings
are just going to far. Like when he started selling joints at school.
That was a bad idea. It lead up to him being strip searched in the
principals office by police, and almost getting expelled..... and that
was only the beginning of his troubles......
She sits there staring at me. Vicious, possessed eyes. The person
who gave birth to me, now reduced to nothing more than a dying addict.
Alcohol, a friend at times, a deceiver always. Just a way of coping
with the pain. Self medicating.... again. "I drink because I am depressed, I am depressed because I
drink." It is a shared vice, like mother, like son. Smoking and
drinking became a way of relating. Relating to and otherwise non
existent parental relationship.
"You were an accident, I wish you were never born," she said once. Words as sharp as razor blades cutting deep into my soul. Regret and resentment had tainted to the core.
Years
of saying "You have to stop, slow down, cut back." All amounting to
wasted breath and visions of her death. "My chest hurts," she said
said. Off to the E.R. we go. They seem to be surprised she is even
alive. Atrophy of the brain is 30 years past her age.... from the
alcoholism. The tumor in her chest is huge, like a orange, from the cigarettes. There is no
cure at this point, only a matter in father time's hands. The one thing we seek to control, but never will..... time.
I
wake up every night, with visions of her staring at me. She looks just
like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. Those hollow, black eyes staring into my soul.
In her voice I hear the anger as I now have control over her addiction. The
alcohol and cigarettes have changed to narcotic pain medication. "Give
me my precious" she yells.... as the blood runs down her chin, from the
animal she just killed and ate raw. "My precious" she yells, as she
claws her way into my soul. "My precious" she yelled, up until she
died.
"My precious," she yells, every night in my dreams. I wait in horror for my time to become her. My precious.
YOU tell me you once ran off a black couple, with a baseball bat. YOU say they were looking at a house for sale across the street and YOU did not want them to move into YOUR neighborhood. Black folks always bring down the property values, YOU said.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU tell everyone that YOU have a perfect marriage and that YOUR husband is the best father YOUR children could ever have. Yet at home YOU are scared to death of him. He yells and screams at you and tells YOU things like "If YOU leave me I will take YOUR children away" and "YOUR fat ass needs to lose some weight, because I don't want to have sex with a whale."
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU tell me that YOU had to stop on the side of the interstate, pull your two little girls out of the car and "Whip the shit out of both of them until they were both in tears."
and you tell me I need Jesus...
You tell me it is OK to cheat on YOUR spouse, because they are cheating on YOU. YOU have been fucking and sucking several of his friends for years. I hope he does not kill YOU when he finds out.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU tell everyone about YOUR loser friend that lives off the government. YOU tell them that YOU are sick and tired of paying for scum like her to live off YOUR tax dollars. Yet, YOU are sweet and nice anytime she comes over, and YOU have no problem leaving YOUR kids with her when YOU want to go out.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU beat up a white guy because YOU don't want him going out with a black girl. The black girl is YOUR cousin and YOU say YOU are doing it to protect her. She agrees not to see the white guy anymore so YOU and YOUR friends will not hurt him anymore. Then YOU have the nerve to say that YOU are not racist because YOU are black.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU sit and premeditate on how many ways YOU are going to hurt someone, first with words and later with hands. YOU pray to god to forgive YOU for what YOU are about to do. Then YOU use YOUR words to rip a woman apart, piece by piece, because she did not do a good enough job at work today. She leaves in tears, her spirit crushed, and never comes back to work. YOU never even trained her on what she was supposed to do.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU have a horrible breakup with YOUR boyfriend, because he was sleeping around on YOU. YOU are so low YOU don't know if you can ever get back up again. I watch YOU slowly get back to work, one and sometimes two jobs. YOU buy a car with cash money. Then YOU rent an apartment and go back to college to finish YOUR degree. YOU graduate and get a good job and move to another state. I am so proud of YOU and commend YOU for all YOUR hard work. Then YOU tell me I should be thanking Jesus because YOU could not have done it without his help. ??? I say it was YOU, YOU are one of the strongest people I know. As I walk away from our relationship in tears, hoping YOU will learn how strong YOU are... and you tell me it is over unless.....
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU ask me to bring my kids to YOUR Sunday School Service. Then YOU proceed to tell me that YOU hate "faggots" and "queers." YOU tell me that God says same sex relationships are wrong and those people need to be punished for their sins.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU tell me that Hurricane Katrina was God's wrath for the gambling, corruption, drinking, and sex in New Orleans. YOU say that the world would be better off without "those" kinds of people and that not enough of them died.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU tell me that the Mexicans have taken all the jobs and YOU can't find work. YOU tell me that they will work for pennies on the dollar and are ruining America. I wonder how YOU can afford a 24 pack of beer and two packs of cigarettes a day, while you sit on your front porch doing absolutely nothing.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU send out dirty texts with jokes and pictures about "niggers" to people you call your friends. YOU say "the only good nigger is one that is hanging from a tree."
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU tell me how much fun you have at your house. YOU lure cats to your porch with milk and food. Then YOU "bash their heads in with a metal baseball bat."
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU openly make fun of YOUR secretaries skin condition. YOU stir up people and try to get everyone else at work to make fun of her too. YOU send out texts and emails to everyone in YOUR office, making fun of her. She goes home every night and cries herself to sleep. Even though she can not afford to lose her job, she ends up quitting and almost loses everything she has. She later reveals that YOUR dumb ass was sending all those messages to her to because YOU don't know how to work YOUR computer or phone. YOU also forwarded others replies to her as well.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
YOU brag how YOUR woman stays at home taking care of the kids. She wants to go back to work, but YOU won't let her. YOU say women are only good for cooking, cleaning, fucking and making men food. YOU have demoralized her and made he feel like no one else would ever want her. She stays at home doing everything YOU ask and lives in misery.
and you tell me I need Jesus...
OK, I vented and I am done. I could go on for another hour or two. I assure you all these things have happened. These very same people will talk about doing something heinous to another human being or animal, and five minutes later be telling me that "YOU need Jesus in YOUR life." "YOU should come to church with me on Sunday." I get so tired of living in the South sometimes. It is a place full of hypocrisy, backstabbers, and pure selfishness. Yet, there are some good people here. The ones that will help you no matter what, where, when or how you are. Those are the ones that make me forget about all the evil as fuck people, cutting each other's throats to get ahead. There are some that will give you the shirt off their backs, the last dollar in their wallets, the last bit of food they have. The ones that keep my hope alive, weather or not I beLIEve in Jesus.
I am borrowing a line from http://www.alcoholicpoet.com/2013/01/salt-yellow-scream.html because it is stuck in my head. It seems to be telling me something, but the meaning fades on into forever. "The tide clutches the sand." It seems like such an innocent statement. I can just hear a child asking a parent "Why can't the tide hold on to the sand better? It keeps climbing up the beach, and falling back down into the ocean."
A tale of woe,
from bittered lips.
Cracked and broken,
from Death's poisoness kiss.
Still grasping at nothing,
in the air of despair.
Blindly feeling for something,
that will never again... be there.
Holding on to hopelessness,
like the tide clutching the sand.
Falling endlessly through the void,
Pleading desperately for somewhere to land.
There seem to be no answers,
to the questions posed.
Always the sharpest thorns,
always the bloodiest, red.... red rose.
Her smell is sweet,
her smile..... sincere.
She sneaks up in the darkness,
and whispers "you have nothing left to fear."
Take my hand,
feed my love.
Walk with me,
be my love.
She leads us onward,
out of darkness, into light.
To the fate we wrought,
ending this short fight.
This temporary hell,
we created.
The entire reason,
we all live sedated.
These stolen thoughts,
deliver us from our hatred.
I am not sure I can embrace this level of darkness.
