Dark Days

Days like today are ones I could do without.  Days of waiting and wondering.  They are filled with false expectation and harsh realities.  The silence can be defining.  Every breath I take is a labor, and every exhale I feel my body shake as I try to hold it in.  Right on the edge of tears, but hoping so fucking hard for good news, a miracle so to speak.

I go outside and pick a gorgeous flower, and it immediately starts to die.  Taking it inside, I find my most beautiful vase to showcase its magnificence.  I give it water to sustain it and a aspirin to ease its suffering.  Day after day I watch as it's colors fade and it's petals droop.  I pick up the fallen petals and wish it was young again, something near it's former glory. Eventually there are no petals left, and no wondrous smell.  I am helpless as it withers away.  I become angry, enraged at my own inability, so I lash out at everyone around me.  Then the silence falls, and it is defining ..... almost maddening.  To cope, I reminisce.  I tell stories of how wonderful the flower smelled, how pretty and vibrant it's colors were, and we laugh and smile.  Then we try to fill the hole where that lovely flower once was, but we never will.  There will only be a void where there once was magnificence.

One day I will wither away as well.  I will take comfort in knowing what a wonderful life I had.  I am not afraid of my journey with Azrael, he will guide me well.  I only worry of the sadness that will stay behind.  I do not want to be that void, I want to be remembered as a flower.