sleep

Up entirely too early this morning.  In reality, I don't sleep much anymore anyway.  Dreams of ghosts from former lives haunt me to the end.  Ex girlfriends, dead relatives, dead friends, the stars that have come and gone, and fishing trips.... much enjoyed.  Memories of lives once lived, and visions of futures not yet created.  Sorrow, pain, joy, happiness, the smiles in my childrens' eyes.  The mind's eye can be a creator, or destroyer of dreams.... lives if you allow.  Now?  My head is swimming in an ocean of "What if?"  The scars are bleeding through and band aids are just too fucking temporary.  There really is no solution, is there?

The roller coaster of emotion rides again.... up and down.... faster than I can compensate.  It turns hard enough to shatter bones, crushing all hope.  I have to be stronger than this, greater than this.  There is a vision stuck in my eye, a haunting memory really.  A house of silence, death, and decay, that was once so full of life.  The silence is sickening.  I am stuck.  Just for the moment..... choking on vomit and tears.  I do not like this "now," but this life cannot be stopped, this book will not be closed.  Jimmy, Jim, Jim Jr., JamCo, Jamboi, James, Mr. Day.  Past, present and futures tense, very tense.  Ready to break, but too stubborn to let go.  (This presence is full of dots ..... and commas misused.  At least I can still smile about that.)  Dammit, I wish I could go back to sleep.... just go back to sleep... go back to sleep.. sleep.