Reflection

Sitting here this morning in total shock. A dam in both eyes just ready to crack and flood the valleys below. It is a morning of extreme sadness. In fact, it has been a week of it. Another great life has ended far too short. A man that would give the shirt off his back to help a friend in need. A fellow Jaycee, family man, business man and fun guy. My last memories will be shaking his hand as he offered me good luck in my job search. I had been laid off and even though I knew NOTHING about his business, he invited me to come in for an interview. We spent 2 hours talking and he showed me all the aspects of what they did. He actually taught me quite a lot that day. Even let me play in the dirt a little bit. Who doesn't like to play in the dirt now and then? He asked if we would like to come out to the lake and take a ride in his boat. Although we had already made plans for that weekend though, I really appreciated the offer.

Add to that finding out that a friend and a different family member are fighting a uphill battle with cancer and you create a very emotional roller coaster ride. I have often heard it comes in threes. This is all the proof I need. I am not a religious man. At these times I pray though. I pray that the families can come together and work through their respective tragedies. I pray that I am strong enough to help in any way possible, if they should ever ask.

Today I am asking myself to change. This is a confession of sorts. I have made a lot of promises I have never kept. They all involve people. We have all made them. A friend may say let's have lunch, come by and talk sometime, can you help me move a couch or call me. And we try, we do. But we are all so busy these days. So many things to be done. So many "important" things. Work related things, kid related things, family, pets, etc. Then you look up and you have lost contact with that person altogether, or worse, they are gone from this mortal world. It could be a person you grew up with, or someone you met online. Some are simply too far away to go see.

Maybe we are overwhelmed with life in general. I know I get that way at times. Some days I want to crawl up in a fetal position and hide. I seem to devote most of my time to working to pay bills. Then I end up working on those things I am paying bills on. Many times I look around and wonder how my life got this way. Things were never important to me, relationships were. Sometimes I think I get scared. Maybe I don't know them that well. What will I do? What will I say? What if we really don't get along? All these reasons, all of the excuses. Maybe, just maybe I am completely selfish. I have a hard time in giving up the little bit of free time I do have.

There is a signature under my post that I refuse to change. It reminds me of all the great conversations we had. What MyHattiesburg once was and what it meant to me. It also reminds me that I had 2 good chances to go see him, and I didn't. Lost chances. There are 2 people I regret not going to meet when I had the chance, both from this website. There are 4 more I regret not going to visit from my personal life, because I thought I had plenty of time. Lost chances. When those chances are gone you don't get any more. I have 3 people to call today after work, that have basically put on hold. I have a friend to offer my assistance to that I have never even met. I have a trip to plan to see someone that was like a mother to me and is in the hospital with cancer. I have a best friend that I have not seen in about 6 years because we grew distant and busy. Misunderstandings happen, hurt happens, distance happens, time happens, life happens, but it can all be patched up if you want to.

I look in the mirror and I am proud. I am proud that I have lived so many lives. I have had so many chances of my own. That I have great kids and a awesome wife. I am proud that at 42 I may be healthier than I ever was before. Most of all I am proud that I have made a difference in several people's lives. Life is so fragile and I was so stupid to take the risks that I did. Because of it I am able to relay my experiences, failures and successes. BUT, there are some things I regret. Things I am ashamed of and that bring me great sadness. Those are things I truly wanted to do, and, for whatever reason..... I never got the chance. They involve relationships. The things I never got to say, the call I didn't make, the visit I skipped on for whatever reason. Just because "The doctor says I have 6 more months" does not mean anything. You should go today, DON'T wait until the weekend because it is more convenient. This is a issue I have had for years and I know I am not the only one.

I am 42, yesterday it seems like I was only 14. I didn't want anyone or need anyone in my life. I don't remember growing up. It just happened. This is what someone passing does to me.... every time. I reflect on the fact that I am not perfect. That I am very selfish. That I want and need some people in my life now. That sometimes I do need their help and they do mine. That I want them to know how important they are to me and why. That many times I have a lot to give. WE have to be proactive in maintaining those relationships and NOT letting them pass me by. Most of all I have learned that there is never going to be enough time. You have to make time to fit in the important things, your family and friends.

"Stuff" means nothing. In the end nothing else is important besides the relationships you build and maintain, or do not maintain. The memories you make and the stories you pass down. Sometimes you only have yourself to blame for losing those relationships. My mom told me once while she was in her last days "I saved all these things for you, you have my house, cars, money, birds." I thanked her so much for it because that's is what she needed to hear. Then I told her I would gladly give it all back to just spend some more time with her. "We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one." To quote Dr. Who. I think he wrote some very good stories. I know he will be missed very much, by so many. From casual acquaintances to family, he touched so many. Through this site he touched thousands. He asked me to come back and write one more blog not too long ago. I told him I would. I never thought it would be about this. I would have preferred to write some magical post about Unicorns dancing in fields filled with flowers, but I am not there. Not today, not this week. I have rambled enough, my thoughts run wild. RIP my friend, until we meet again...... My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.