Paralyzed

I have not written much of anything lately.  It is not that I don't want to, because my thoughts are overflowing. I have had hundreds of songs, poems, stories and rants splashing around in here.  I think I am scared to write.  Why?  It is because I am lost and oh so sad.  When I compose something I let it all out, all of it...... and that scares me.  There is much I am hiding from these days.  Always trying to keep that one step between us, one step ahead.  No matter how fast I run, he is right behind me. Constantly breathing down my neck like some angry god, waiting for me to stumble so he can strike me down.  I have an enemy I am not sure I can defeat this time, because the enemy is in me.  When I look in the mirror I see his face.... and I feel paralyzed. 

Since my mother passed away last year, it is getting harder and harder to sleep, or to relax in general.  I drink at night, then I drink more, but it does not even seem to effect me anymore. I keep having visions of her every time I close my eyes.  I see her when my mind starts drifting away in boredom.  I sometimes see her while I am standing in line at the store waiting to check out.  They are not good visions either.  She is withering away with decay and reeks of death.  Her eyes are black and hollow.  She holds out her hand toward me and shrieks "JIMMY" as only a mother can.  It makes all the hair on my body stand up and cold chills run up and down.... I am paralyzed. 

My wife asked me one day "Do you think it is better that you were with her when she died, or would it have been better if you were not there?"  I have though about the answer for days.  I truly think it was better that I was with her when she passed.  Watching her slowly stop breathing, and I felt the energy leave her body.  I was good energy, warm and gentle.  I think she can finally be at peace with all the things that bothered her so much in this temporary existence.  She had a very loving spirit, even though it was shrouded in the darkness of alcoholism. 

I felt helpless at that moment, I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't DO anything... I just stood there, paralyzed.  I still feel like I should have done something, anything.  Grabbed her, hugged her, held her hand, FUCKING SCREAMED.  Something, but I couldn't... It was hard enough for me to breathe.  I know she was no longer there, anyway.  She was too old to change, but too young to die.

It is times like these I kick myself for having strong beliefs.  Times like these when nothing makes sense.   I actually wish I could temporarily latch on to one of the many fake deities.  I would like to say "Jesus, just tell me why you took some of my closest friends when they were so young.  Why did you take both my grandfathers before I even had a chance to meet them?  Why did you take both of my grandmothers when they still had so much to share with us?  Why would you let friends and friends children commit suicide?  Why did you take my mother from me when I was trying so hard to make our relationship better?  Why do you take all those children from their families?  Above all, why do we have to suffer so much with physical and mental pain?"  I wonder if he would tell me what I hear all the time.  "It was their time to come to heaven and be with god and their families."

No, he wouldn't tell me anything, because I do not beLIEve in him.  My mother did not either.  She was a scientist at heart, and I am as well. My thoughts are everywhere and I can't keep them straight.  This is my closing thoughts my ADD kicks in.  If I did beLIEve in the Bible and Jesus:  I would have to beLIEve that this malevolent, righteous, loving and fair God wanted those innocent children killed at that school.  He wanted those survivors to watch their friends get shot to death by a maniac, and die in a horribly painful way.  He wanted those teachers to die as they listened to their students last cries and screams.  This is what I am always told by the really religious folks around here.  God has a purpose for everyone, he leads us in everything we do, he always has a plan, you just have to pray to him and he will guide you.  That is NOT a God I can believe in, nor could my mother.  I think I have traded my sadness for anger.  Oh look..... a butterfly.....

Just too much

I have been swamped with pressure and pain here lately.  On the outside I am always calm and cool, yet inside I am a fucking mess.  I feel like I am one step ahead of a mental breakdown, and that is what motivates me so much.  After all, I have responsibilities and I will make sure they are taken care of.  I have too keep moving on, as fast as I can.  I stop every once and a while to evaluate my performance.  I am amazed how things keep working out right, when I always wonder how it possibly can be done in the first place.  I take pride in our accomplishments, and learn from our disappointments. 

Somehow I have been finding my comfort in watching videos of peoples poetry, spoken word, and story telling.  It is something I have always wanted to be able to do.  To boldly get up on stage, in front crowds of people, and pour out my stories, visions, emotions.  Get it all out in the open without any fear of judgement or repercussion.  Words take on some much power when spoken aloud.  Alas, that is not me.  I have written hundreds of poems, that no one will ever hear.  I have written songs, that no one will ever hear. I have written stories, that no one will ever hear.  I am shy, loaded with anxiety, and feel most alone in a room full of people.  There have been times, for work or family's sake I have pushed all that aside and done what I needed, but I would rather not have to at all.

I suppose, overall I have become quite a well functioning, dysfunctional part of society.  Compromised by an extremely big heart, and too often, a bad judge of character.  My current situation I must only endure.  The future is still a big, bright shining star.  There is just a little eclipse going on right now.  Always, in the back of my mind I wonder, "Will there ever come a time when this is all just too much for me?"

Music is Life

Man, I love music!  I don't want to imagine life without music.  It does not have to be just music made by man.  Listen to natures music as well.  Wind, water, earth, fire, spirit is how I believe the Wicca say it.  I am not talking of specific spirituality, just noises.  After all, what is music?  Individual noises arranged in some way as to appeal to your hearing and taste.  Like the wind blowing by, the ocean roaring as the waves come in to shore, birds chirping in the trees, the earth pounding when boulders roll down mountains, or fire crackling and popping as it consumes a piece of wood.  It can be very emotional and become quite spiritual as well.

There is a noise for every feeling, every action, every emotion.  There is also a song for every feeling, every emotion and every situation.  Some even say a noise might lead you to insanity....... and murder. Like the agonizing drip of a leaky faucet.  The mesmerising tick of a clock, or the beating of a heart as it gets louder and louder.  Some might even say.... "My mind's playing tricks on me."

The Geto (Ghetto) Boys - My mind playin' tricks on me

There is a song for every moment in time.... every "Moment 4 Life."  We have all felt like kings or queens at some point in our lives.

Nicki Minaj - Moment 4 life

When your car breaks down and you are late for work.  Then your boss starts his "Power Trip" yelling at you and gives you a warning that he will fire you next time...... there is a song for that.

Chimaira - Power trip

When you know you have pushed the issue "Way too far" and there may be no turning back from here.  The damage is done, and the suffering begins.  Even though you were wrong.... you just wouldn't back down.

Korn - Way too far

The days and weeks after that really bad breakup with your loved one.  The one you thought you would never be apart from, spend the rest of your lives together.  When you were so happy and so fucking sad all at the same time.  Who hasn't spent countless hours staring at "Pictures of you."

The Cure - Pictures of you

When you realized you were being lied to.  Not by just one person, but by most of the society you were raised to respect.  The government, media, teachers, doctors, and yes.... even family.  Like everything and everybody is just filling you with poison.  Sometimes you feel like you just gotta "Spit it out."

Brotha Lynch Hung - Spit it out

 
At a party one night, that kid got shot over the color of a bandanna.  He was not family, but in a way he was.  You hung out everyday, reppin' your shit.  When everybody started set trippin' and the blood started dripping, you learned what scared really was.  "Cuz tha boyz in da hood are always hard."  You finally realized you were a white boi, from the suburbs.  Gang life was not for you.

Eazy E - Boyz in da hood

If you ever get fighting mad about a cause.  Standing up for some wrong, or some right.  You need something to solidify the cause into one voice, to scream a war cry like the great "Comanche."

In this Moment - Comanche

Sometimes you just need to cut loose and get your groove on.  A hard day at work, or long week even.  There are just those times you need to get your "party rock anthem" on..... even if it is just you and a bottle of alcohol, dancing in front of a mirror.

LMFAO - Party rock anthem

 

When your loved one died.... there was a song for that.  For the first time realizing all those years of singing "I will survive" were just in vain.  It was, after all, just a song.  I miss you mom.  :-(

 



Gloria Gaynor - I will survive

 

Sometimes you just want to cry and remember being a kid, not having to worry about what our parents had to worry about.  Their kids... now our kids and this screwed up world we live in. We are only human, and thus we will destroy everything we have ever loved or cared about in the end.  God, sometimes, what I would give to just be "forever young."  No responsibilities, no one depending on my actions to survive.

 

 

Alphaville - Forever young

 

 

There was that one time while you were 13 and care free.  Getting high and running circles around your friends swimming pool, when you spontaneously decided to jump in (glad there were no cell phones back then).  When you came up for air you immediately felt a slam and sting to your forehead.  It was so shocking you just sank back down to the bottom of the pool before coming to your senses.  Climbing out of the pool you heard her screams of "OH, I am so sorry.  I never thought I would actually hit you with that peach."  And then "......And threw her arms around my neck. "Show me how you do it, And I promise you, I promise that, I'll run away with you. I'll run away with you" Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head......"  A true life friendship was born.

 

The Cure - Just Like Heaven

 

Then there was that message you received, the one that almost knocked you to the ground.  Your stomach dropped, flipped, and lodged itself in your throat.  Then some mighty demon reached in and ripped your heart right out of your chest, held it up to your face and made you watch it stop beating.  The Angel of Death just became real.  He was only 17, a child, a young man at most, who you had known for several years.  He ended his pain before he even had a chance to live.  "I have lost the will to  live.  Simply nothing more to give.  There is nothing more for me.  Need the end to set me free."  If only you could have known how bad it really was. 

Metallica - Fade to black

 

Then there was that moment of pure spiritual awakening.  The day you realized that you had a universal love for all of mankind.  No matter the sex, race, age or religion.  The only thing that mattered was how they treated you.  Respect given will equal respect returned.  As weird as it sounds, I love you all, and hate is not a word I choose to use.  One heart, one soul, one life, one people, one dream, one love....

 











Bob Marley - One Love

 

Just for the fuck of it, one of my all time favorites..... "ARE YOU READDDDDDYYYYYY!!!!"  I am pretty sure we have all felt this at some point. 

 

Korn - Blind



 

I could go on for days, but the Fade to Black section took too much out of me.  I hope these links stay active for years or this is going to seem like a really bad blog post.  A toast: "To those who got lost along the way, our paths will cross again."

sleep

Up entirely too early this morning.  In reality, I don't sleep much anymore anyway.  Dreams of ghosts from former lives haunt me to the end.  Ex girlfriends, dead relatives, dead friends, the stars that have come and gone, and fishing trips.... much enjoyed.  Memories of lives once lived, and visions of futures not yet created.  Sorrow, pain, joy, happiness, the smiles in my childrens' eyes.  The mind's eye can be a creator, or destroyer of dreams.... lives if you allow.  Now?  My head is swimming in an ocean of "What if?"  The scars are bleeding through and band aids are just too fucking temporary.  There really is no solution, is there?

The roller coaster of emotion rides again.... up and down.... faster than I can compensate.  It turns hard enough to shatter bones, crushing all hope.  I have to be stronger than this, greater than this.  There is a vision stuck in my eye, a haunting memory really.  A house of silence, death, and decay, that was once so full of life.  The silence is sickening.  I am stuck.  Just for the moment..... choking on vomit and tears.  I do not like this "now," but this life cannot be stopped, this book will not be closed.  Jimmy, Jim, Jim Jr., JamCo, Jamboi, James, Mr. Day.  Past, present and futures tense, very tense.  Ready to break, but too stubborn to let go.  (This presence is full of dots ..... and commas misused.  At least I can still smile about that.)  Dammit, I wish I could go back to sleep.... just go back to sleep... go back to sleep.. sleep.  

Heart Strings

I sit here, just like she does, staring at the wall. We both see something different, but we are both the same..... lost. I talk to her and for just a second she jumps back into my world.  "Jimmy" she says as she coughs and gasps.  "Yes Mom, I am right here" I reply.  She glances towards me as I reach out to hold her hand, then back to the wall she looks, and she is gone again..... lost.  Her body lays in this hospital bed, too weak to move, but her mind has been drifting away for days.  Farther and farther she goes, sleeping most of the time. Probably 22 of the last 24 hours, she has been asleep.

Her eyes are dark and distant.  Like stars that have lost their twinkle. They were once the brightest brown, no the dullest black.  Her once thick brown hair has become thin, grey and white.  Here tan skin she was once so proud of, preferring to spend most of her time outside in the garden or planting a new flower, has lost it's color.  She is pale, almost ghostly. He skin is loose and thin, with bones looking as if they will poke through at any moment.

It won't be long.  I sit and wait for the inevitable.  A end to her suffering, and the beginning of mine. I have spent the last 4 months trying to take care of her, make her as comfortable as possible.  I handle the bills, the yard, the cleaning, the cooking, the vehicles, the clothes, the dogs, the banks, anything else I can do.  We have 3 houses to take care of now.  We have 5 vehicles.  Above all I still have a wife, 2 children and 2 dogs that have been neglected for some time.  My wife is under more stress than she ever has been before as well.  She has done a great job, and I do not know how I would make it without her.

I have been trying to stay as busy as possible....... so I would not have time to stop and think. When she is gone I will have too much time to think.   I wonder how I will react.  You see, my mom and I were never very close.  She always took better care of her animals than she did her family.  In her later years she always put her cigarettes, wine, rum, vodka or gin before anything else.  I tried to get her out of the house and involved in something, anything.  I tried to get her involved in my life and my children's lives.  I had friends that tried to get her to do things.  She pushed us all away, and always went back to that fucking box of wine.

I have felt like her dying would not effect me very much.  Since we were not that close, and in fact she only wanted me around when she needed something done.  I would walk in and she would be sitting there in her chair, drunk or getting there, and she would say "OK, the pool needs to be cleaned, the lawnmower needs gas and the garbage disposal is not working.  Then I want you to take me to the grocery store and the liqueur store."  I would say "Hi mom, I will look at those in a little while."  And I thought this would not effect me.

It is starting to.  I sit next to her and look into her eyes and I see she is lost.  I talk to her and she does not even hear me.  I ask her questions over and over again.  "Do you want a drink, or something to eat?"  Nothing. "Can you take your medicine?" Nothing.  Sometimes she wakes up and yells "Where am I?" or says "I'm about to piss on myself."  I sit in the chair next to the bed, with tears in my eyes.

I wonder, because I am lost, will I feel a sense of relief when this is all over?  She will not be suffering anymore. My family will not be suffering anymore.  It does not bother me to take care of anything she needs, what bothers me is all the things I am not taking care of, like my family. I wonder will it be better that there is this emotional wall between us, or will I forever be full of loss and regret that we did not have a better relationship?

I sit here watching, waiting and wondering, as I listen to her lungs gurgle.  Even if I did not know or hated her, it would still pull my heart strings, someday maybe break them.  When it is all said and done and all the blame and anger is shed and has been cast aside..... she is still my mom and I would not be here without her.  I love you mom and I miss you already......

This damn fortune cookie....

We all make trips to the Chinese or Japanese Buffet and stuff ourselves to the point of pure misery.  We usually swear to God that we will NEVER eat that much food again.  Then with the check comes this wonderful little package.  It is a gift, right, or have you actually earned it by being able to swallow that last bite of sweet and sour chicken?  Needless to say, even when you think you are done eating, you see they have ice cream.  "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!"  Damn, it is Blue Bell too, AND they have fucking birthday cake flavor.  That diet is shot to hell and back.  I just gained a pound typing it.

Then up front they have something to keep the kids coming back over and over again.  They all have a fish tank or pond.  Some have a pond with Koi fish of varying colors.  Others have a slat water aquarium with various brightly colored sea life.  They all have a Nemo, or clown fish.  I can still hear Gabe yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, I found Nemo!"  Eleven years later I hear "Daddy, it's Nemo and his daddy!" as Max begins his journey through the Chinese Buffet line.  There was Rocky, Gabe and I named him years ago, at the New China Buffet.  We named him Rocky because he never swam around like the other fish, he just sat on top of the rocks.  I have no idea what kind of fish he was, but his front fins were like arms and he used them to scoot around on the rocks.  He was there for at least 5 years, then we noticed part of his tail disappeared, then one of his eyes disappeared, then one of his front fins disappeared.... and shit... then he disappeared.  I never thought I would see the day where my son and I would stand in front of a Buffet's aquarium and comment on how we were really going to miss a fish.  R.I.P Rocky.

I will let you in on a not so little secret, I don't like Chinese or Japanese food much.  In fact, I usually stick with the same three items at every place we go, chicken fried rice, spring rolls and egg drop soup.  I just go because the wife and Gabe have always liked it.  Whenever Gabe would do something awesome and we wanted to celebrate, he would always want to go eat Chinese food.  Who am I to deny him?  He gets A's and B's on his report card and wants to go out and eat Chinese food.... he gets Chines food.

People talk about things sometimes and we just think they are full or shit, or trying to persuade us to do something with them.  My wife used to want to go eat Chinese food almost everyday when she was pregnant with Gabe.  She would say "The baby wants Chinese for dinner," lunch and sometimes for breakfast.   I would just laugh and think SHE just wanted me to take her out to eat Chinese.  Then we took Gabe there once he was old enough, and BAM, he has loved it every since.  Maybe the baby really did want Chinese!

Why am I writing about all this menial crap?  Well, because of this damn fortune cookie.  Normally you get some generic, everyday bullshit kind of fortune.  Like "It is easier to win friends with sugar than with vinegar."  or "You will make a bad financial decision today that will cost you plenty."  Then you look at the bill and it is like $80 and you tear up the damn fortune and crush the cookie to bits, while pulling out your debit card.

I have not been writing a lot lately, or drawing, or reading.  I love to read things people write.  Normal people...... like me (HA!).  I don't even know what normal could possibly be.   I don't like reading about a professional writers made up fictional world, with made up fictional characters, that do made up fictional things.  I like reading things people write, trying to interpret their feelings and emotions into words.  Some searching for understanding or possibly forgiveness.  Some telling the world "Fuck You!  I can do this and you can't stop me!"  Some reaching out to the stars they lost, to finally seek the closure they need to move on.

People that use writing to communicate with others, or to understand themselves.  People, everyday people, that write about their real world, really real world in the hope that someone reaches out to them and says "You are not alone, you are never alone."  People that write about the not so real world they live in, deep inside themselves.  The world where they are in control and they make the rules, whether it is technicolor butterflies in a garden or fire breathing dragons destroying entire kingdoms..... I like to go there with them.  Realms where I can hang onto their words, overjoyed with anticipation, waiting to know what the next word will bring.  Will they let me smile with them, or cry for them, or extend a bit of my life's journey to help answer their questions? 

Here lately I have "lost me muchness."  Taking care of my mother has emotionally drained me.  Physically, it is easy as pie.  Emotionally, not so much.  I need a fill up, premium please, full tank don't worry about how much it costs because it will cost me much more if I wait.  We are all guilty of saying "I will wait and hopefully the price will go back down" at one point or another.  It almost never does, but still we wait.  Some wait until it runs out, sputtering and putting along until it dies.  It is hard to get it running as good as it did before, all those contaminates settle to the bottom clogging up the filters.

So alas, I was somewhat astonished when I read this particular fortune.  I read it fast like we always do on first glance.  Then slowly to absorb the words.  Again to make sure we read it right the first and second times through.  This, my friends, is the first and only fortune I have ever read that I felt pertained to me, let alone spoke directly to me.  In fact, it was like a razor blade to the vein of my life.  It said simply, yet elegantly, "You are a lover of words, someday you should write a book."  Hummm, maybe I shall.

Filters

I am feeling a bit Skinny Puppyish this morning and I have been fueling my fires with Death Metal.  My mind literally jumps from topic to topic these days.  So hard to maintain any focused path.  These morning news shows on TV have given me reason to pause.  Are we heading for another civil war?  Will it be a racial or class war?  Will we be heading into WW3, or is this all just more propaganda and media bias to keep us separated?  A world divided, a country divided, a state divided, a community divided, a family divided..... "Define ..... The state of things."

Vile stench.  Decay.  Flesh rotting from the inside out.  Intentional.  Defects in the brain.  Atrophy.  Petrified.  Forrest grows.  Memories lost.  Once relished.  Voices call out from the past.  Unknown.  Unsettling.  Ghost like visions.  Anger mostly.  Pouring out.  Why can't I remember?  WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER!!!

Self infliction.  So painful.  Suicide.  Homicide.  Genocide.  Addiction.  Personality traits gone wrong.  Another day.  Decide.  The future is a scary beast.  Attacking.  Outcome unknown.  One last warrior.  Spirit.  See life through a child's eyes.  Perception filters.  Unbiased.  Untainted with regret.  Today is a good day.  Smiles.  Pure emotion.  Love.  LOVE!!!

There is still hope....... there is still hope..... there is still hope......

I know many people would read this and think "OMG he needs counseling, or some kind of help!"  My thoughts get dark sometimes, a lot here lately.  This is my counseling, this is how I get them out.  I will never need help, as long as I have outlet.  Keeping it inside is when things get scary.  I have hope, always have hope.