No Answer

Inside the outside.  Breeds the silent death.  Always.  It walks among us, unnoticed.  Powerful.  Like the dandelion blows away as the child's breath is forced.  Suffering.  Wanting.  Needing.  Feelings of hopelessness.  Running through the forest.  ALONE.  So dark.  Despair becomes a friend.  No answer.  All it would take is an answer.  He screams out the question again.  His voice is cracked.  Broken.  Eyes jagged and dull.  Worn down from the flood of years.  It comes again.  Hot, wet, and sticky.  Blood stains on the soul.  No end in sight.  Drying to a crust.  A hard scab hides the animal clawing it's way to the surface.  The chakra points burn for release.  Addiction.

A Long Night

A nice hot shower was exactly what he had needed. It had been a very long day and he just wanted to lie down for a while.  Just rest his eyes for a few minuites.  The towel hit the floor and he laid down.  The bed was so comfortable it felt like floating on clouds. The whole day just seemed to flash before his eyes. Slowly fading away as his eyes began to close. He rolled onto his side and started falling asleep.

He felt something very soft and warm touching his back.  Then a warm breath very close to his ear.  The breathing grew hotter and closer on his neck and he felt her body press firmly against his.  Then the hand on his shoulder and it ran lightly down his arm.  He was barely awake now.  "Is this a dream?" he thought.  It felt so real to him. She even smelled good.  Very familiar like he knew her.  Every part of his body was aching with anticipation of the next movement.  He felt her breasts pushing against his back.  So soft and warm. Yet Her nipples grew hard as her fingers lightly danced back up his arm and onto this shoulder.  She slid her other arm under his pillow and under his head.  Pulling him closer to her.  Her arms wrapped around him and he felt the chills shoot down his spine.  Every hair stood up as she pressed her lips onto his neck and began to kiss him.

It was soft and subtle at first.  Gently, lightly, slowly kissing up to his ear, flicking it with her tongue.  Then she pressed hard and she ran it down to his shoulder.  His nipples were so hard.  She brushed her fingers over them.  She began to suck on his neck as she ran his nipples between her fingers.  Her grip was getting tighter as she sucked harder.  Then she squeezed them so hard it hurt for a second.  She didn't let go.  She pulled him into her so close. She was so warm, almost hot.  It felt like his skin was on fire. He never imagined her being so strong.  He felt almost helpless.  He couldn't move even if he wanted to.  A bit of panic shot through him and he wanted to get up, to run away, but he also wanted more.  He needed more.  He had to know how far she would go.

His neck started to hurt from her mouth.  It was brusing he was sure.  He squirmed a little to get her to loosen up.  Tried to open his arms.  Pushing back against her.  She only squeezed tighter.  Her tongue started licking his shoulder.  Then his neck.  Pushing hard against the bruise she had made.  His nipples stayed so hard.  He pushed against her again, harder this time.  He felt her nails dig into his chest.  He pushed again starting to make space between them.  She dug her nails in an jerked him back so forcefully.   He slammed against her naked body.  She didn't give at all.  Solid.

"Uhhhh" When he hit her she made a soft noise.  He thought he knocked the wind out of her.  He felt her grip begin to relax.  He almost couldn't move from her fingernails.  I must be bleeding, he thought.  There was a hot, wet sensation flowing down his chest and onto the bed.  They felt like they were inside his skin.  It burned and tingled.  Her hands released their grip on his chest and started lightly rubbing down his chest, his stomach.  He got so hard in anticipation.  He wanted to feel her hands rubbing him.  Holding him as he throbbed.  Then she stopped.  He felt her nails again.  Running up his stomach.  Slowly, getting harder.  Hurting as they dug in.  His skin burned as they moved.

She pinched his nipples between her fingers.  Then ran her nails across them.  Her leg draped over his and locked in.  Her hands pulled on his chest.  She was forceful now.  Like she wanted him inside her.  Her nails sunk deep and he tried to jump up, but he didn't move more than a inch.  She had him and she was not letting go.  Then she spoke for the first time.  She had a deep accent.  Very deep and coarse. Even her voice was strong. The closest he could think of was a Russian spy he once saw on the telivision. "I have been watching you for a long time. I watch you work and I watch you sleep. I have waited patiently.  Do you remember waking up with my scent on your pillow and my cum on your lips?  Do you remember me?" He struggled to breathe.  Swallow the thought.  Her nails hurt so much he was paralyzed, but still he wanted more. "Yes," he breathed.  "Do you want to be with me?" She asked.  "Yes,"he whispered.

"I will make you mine" she said.  He felt her lips press down on his neck.  Then her hand slid down and wrapped around his throbbing dick.  Her other hand dug her fingernails deeper into his chest. Her teeth began to tighten onto his skin. He was sure he could feel her inside him. Draning him.  She stroked his shaft as she continued to bite down.  There was something warm and wet running down his neck and onto his chest now.  Mixing with the other blood and sweat  He had never felt so much pleasure before.  He started tingling, then his skin flushed. Tears started running down his face. He thought he was going to faint at any second.  He was afraid, but he completely trusted her.  She had come for him and he would cum for her......

Reflection

Sitting here this morning in total shock. A dam in both eyes just ready to crack and flood the valleys below. It is a morning of extreme sadness. In fact, it has been a week of it. Another great life has ended far too short. A man that would give the shirt off his back to help a friend in need. A fellow Jaycee, family man, business man and fun guy. My last memories will be shaking his hand as he offered me good luck in my job search. I had been laid off and even though I knew NOTHING about his business, he invited me to come in for an interview. We spent 2 hours talking and he showed me all the aspects of what they did. He actually taught me quite a lot that day. Even let me play in the dirt a little bit. Who doesn't like to play in the dirt now and then? He asked if we would like to come out to the lake and take a ride in his boat. Although we had already made plans for that weekend though, I really appreciated the offer.

Add to that finding out that a friend and a different family member are fighting a uphill battle with cancer and you create a very emotional roller coaster ride. I have often heard it comes in threes. This is all the proof I need. I am not a religious man. At these times I pray though. I pray that the families can come together and work through their respective tragedies. I pray that I am strong enough to help in any way possible, if they should ever ask.

Today I am asking myself to change. This is a confession of sorts. I have made a lot of promises I have never kept. They all involve people. We have all made them. A friend may say let's have lunch, come by and talk sometime, can you help me move a couch or call me. And we try, we do. But we are all so busy these days. So many things to be done. So many "important" things. Work related things, kid related things, family, pets, etc. Then you look up and you have lost contact with that person altogether, or worse, they are gone from this mortal world. It could be a person you grew up with, or someone you met online. Some are simply too far away to go see.

Maybe we are overwhelmed with life in general. I know I get that way at times. Some days I want to crawl up in a fetal position and hide. I seem to devote most of my time to working to pay bills. Then I end up working on those things I am paying bills on. Many times I look around and wonder how my life got this way. Things were never important to me, relationships were. Sometimes I think I get scared. Maybe I don't know them that well. What will I do? What will I say? What if we really don't get along? All these reasons, all of the excuses. Maybe, just maybe I am completely selfish. I have a hard time in giving up the little bit of free time I do have.

There is a signature under my post that I refuse to change. It reminds me of all the great conversations we had. What MyHattiesburg once was and what it meant to me. It also reminds me that I had 2 good chances to go see him, and I didn't. Lost chances. There are 2 people I regret not going to meet when I had the chance, both from this website. There are 4 more I regret not going to visit from my personal life, because I thought I had plenty of time. Lost chances. When those chances are gone you don't get any more. I have 3 people to call today after work, that have basically put on hold. I have a friend to offer my assistance to that I have never even met. I have a trip to plan to see someone that was like a mother to me and is in the hospital with cancer. I have a best friend that I have not seen in about 6 years because we grew distant and busy. Misunderstandings happen, hurt happens, distance happens, time happens, life happens, but it can all be patched up if you want to.

I look in the mirror and I am proud. I am proud that I have lived so many lives. I have had so many chances of my own. That I have great kids and a awesome wife. I am proud that at 42 I may be healthier than I ever was before. Most of all I am proud that I have made a difference in several people's lives. Life is so fragile and I was so stupid to take the risks that I did. Because of it I am able to relay my experiences, failures and successes. BUT, there are some things I regret. Things I am ashamed of and that bring me great sadness. Those are things I truly wanted to do, and, for whatever reason..... I never got the chance. They involve relationships. The things I never got to say, the call I didn't make, the visit I skipped on for whatever reason. Just because "The doctor says I have 6 more months" does not mean anything. You should go today, DON'T wait until the weekend because it is more convenient. This is a issue I have had for years and I know I am not the only one.

I am 42, yesterday it seems like I was only 14. I didn't want anyone or need anyone in my life. I don't remember growing up. It just happened. This is what someone passing does to me.... every time. I reflect on the fact that I am not perfect. That I am very selfish. That I want and need some people in my life now. That sometimes I do need their help and they do mine. That I want them to know how important they are to me and why. That many times I have a lot to give. WE have to be proactive in maintaining those relationships and NOT letting them pass me by. Most of all I have learned that there is never going to be enough time. You have to make time to fit in the important things, your family and friends.

"Stuff" means nothing. In the end nothing else is important besides the relationships you build and maintain, or do not maintain. The memories you make and the stories you pass down. Sometimes you only have yourself to blame for losing those relationships. My mom told me once while she was in her last days "I saved all these things for you, you have my house, cars, money, birds." I thanked her so much for it because that's is what she needed to hear. Then I told her I would gladly give it all back to just spend some more time with her. "We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one." To quote Dr. Who. I think he wrote some very good stories. I know he will be missed very much, by so many. From casual acquaintances to family, he touched so many. Through this site he touched thousands. He asked me to come back and write one more blog not too long ago. I told him I would. I never thought it would be about this. I would have preferred to write some magical post about Unicorns dancing in fields filled with flowers, but I am not there. Not today, not this week. I have rambled enough, my thoughts run wild. RIP my friend, until we meet again...... My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Those Moments In Time

She asked why I was smiling.  I was not aware I was.  Just dazing away.  Staring off into space. I just ignored her.  She asked again "What are you smiling about?"  This time much more demanding for an answer.  My eyes blinked quickly and he was gone.

I dared not look at her.  It's at those moments in time we are most vulnerable.  The slightest nudge and the damn will explode.  We are not allowed to show emotion.  Not allowed to be seen as weak.  She doesn't like me when I get soft.  I am her rock, she is not mine.

I thought about his smile.  That goofy ass laugh he always had.  He sure was good with jokes and keeping everyone entertained.  Always in a great mood.  I though about how he was always there to help the younger kids out.  How he would hold the door open and greet every single person as they came in for the meetings.  Always with that big smile on his face.

I wondered what had changed.  How had his life had turned so bad and so quickly.  We just hung out and talked days before.  There was a sweet girl hitting on him and they were supposed to go out on a date.  Everything seemed great.  The date never happened.  She read about in the paper.  I found out in a phone call.  I saw myself giving him a hug and saying "I sure miss you my friend, see you again soon."  Then he was gone again.  Until that next time I daydream.

Somehow I managed to hold back the tears.  I cleared my throat with much authority and said, "The sheetrock is cracking in the joints.  It is going to need to be calked and painted.  It's always something with these old houses."  She agreed and we both took sips of our coffee.

Shedding Skin

I had a prediction when I was young.  It was the only prediction I ever had.  I said I would never live past the age of  21.  I thought we would all be dead honestly.  The wars, the disease, famine, evolution, climate, and over population were all against us.  How could we possibly survive when there was this giant monster looming in the darkness just waiting to consume us all?  Turns out is was all media spin.  Magic of the teLIEvision.  They manipulate the facts, mix them with opinions, give us a point of view, then prove it to us.  Funny, it is still happening today.  Now, thanks to social media, we are bombarded with it every second of every day.

But, I digress.  This story is about me and I will make concerted effort to push my add out for long enough to get to my point.  I never thought about the "future."  I never set any goals.  I really didn't think it mattered.  When people said I was messing up, I told them it didn't matter.  When people said I was ruining my chance to go to college, I said it didn't matter.  When people said my behavior was self destructive, I said it didn't matter.  When people said I was going to die young, I said it didn't matter.  The president may push the button and start a nuclear war with Russia any minute.  The next ice age could start tomorrow.  Nothing matters.

Boi, I am so glad I was wrong.  I moved so many times. Started over so many times.  I shed so many skins. I have so many interests.  I like so many types of weather.  I have friends all over the United States.  I love the outdoors.  I have learned so much.  I have so much more to learn. I have finally forgiven.  I have finally forgotten.  I am finally sober.  I know what makes me happy.  I know what I enjoy.  I love helping people.  I love teaching people.  I love coaching kids.

I now have a goal.  My goal is to be a part of a good memory in someone's mind.  The kind that pops into your head from out of nowhere, makes you stop for a second to remember, and puts a smile on your face.  That means something.  Means you had a positive impact on someone's life.  As the good Doctor said "We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one."

I wish I could have understood all this a long time ago.  My mind is fresh and young, but my body feels the weight of all those years of abuse.  I still have a lot left to give.  Someone told my wife they thought I was a teenager playing soccer a couple days ago.  Almost 42 and people think I am a teenager on the soccer field.  Maybe I will keep this skin.  It fits me quite well.

The Darkness

Here I sit, alone at last.  Running away again.  In light I burn, in darkness I flourish.  My soul never to be whole again. There was a time it all made sense.   A time I had all the answers.  Now I sit and watch as those I love.... take the leap and slowly fall.

Rhyme and reason have lost their way.  They stumble like broken words.  The words I spoke when I promised "It will all be okay in the end."  Here I am. I crawl away... only to drown my self in sin.

Stuck on the ledge I cried out for help.  You bit and came to the rescue.  I fooled you once.  I fooled you twice.  My plan was only to use you.  Now it is clear I have gone too far, and only ended up abusing you.   Good bye my love.... I will bleed, but I know all to well why I must lose you.

Take my pain and use it well, or the darkness will consume you.

Evil That Men Do

I sat down today to finish a few blogs that I had been working on, off and on.  Imagine my surprise to find that only pieces of them remained.  One was very important for Halloween, especially since I was asked to write it for a couple other people.  Normally..... I just write to get things out of my head.  Anyway, it is gone and I am pissed..... fuck.  Apparently, drafts are not always safe.  That is not what I was thinking about anyway.


I was at the gym today, running like a hamster on a wheel.  I had a thought running through my head.... lyrics from a song actually.

"Every man is evil, yes.
 Every man's a liar.
 Unashamed with the wicked tongue
 Singing in the black soul choir."
 16 Horsepower - Black Soul Choir

I realized today that I have spent so much of my life trying to be the proverbial "Good Guy."  The one that people trust and turn to for help and advice.  The one that would offer assistance with no strings attached.  The proverbial "Good Guy,"  you know.....the one that always loses in the end.  I spent so much time trying to be that guy, that I never noticed how bad I actually was.

I decided a while back that all people have a bad side, a dark side.  The main difference is how far have they gone.  Were they willing to compromise their own principals?  Were they willing to injure someone else to get what they want?

That is the basis of it isn't it?  It is all about selfishness and greed.  It is human nature after all.  Self preservation.  Survival of the fittest.  The ID and the EGO.  Wants versus needs.  Protection, stability, control.  I am from America where I was raised to believe I can have anything I want.  If no one will give it to me, then I have to take it.  Right?!?!

I always aspired to be above it all.  I can pinpoint where it all went wrong for me, but I never saw it until now.  A boi stole a skateboard from someone else.  He knew he was in trouble so he hid it in my mom's bushes on the side of our house.  I went outside and noticed the bushed were broken and dying.  I looked closer and saw a skateboard.  I kept it and told everybody it was mine.  I could not have afforded to buy a new skateboard.... and I wanted one.  I lied and told my mom I did not know why her bushes were dead.  I told him he was not getting it back because he stole it from somebody else.  Somehow I justified it, even knowing it was wrong.

I look back and realize I was used and abused by people all my life, and so did I.  I can think of things everybody I ever knew did to me, or someone else that was just plain wrong.  A girl wanting to get back at her boyfriend so she dated me for 2 weeks until he was sufficiently jealous and threw me to the curb.  Many different people needing a ride somewhere when I was the only one with a license.  People finding out I had cigarettes, drugs or alcohol and wanting to be the best friends.... until it was all gone.  People wanting to borrow music or movies and never seeing them again.  People wanting to hang out and swim, until something was wrong with the pool and they never came back.  Being narked on so somebody else could stay out of jail.  Then there is always the degradation of being raped and taken advantage of by someone you thought really cared about and wanted to be with you.  Man.... that hurt really bad.

I turned around and did the same shit.  The thing about it is that most of the time it is mutual.  Like relationships, we mutually use each other for things we do not have.  I wanted to have children.  I wanted to have lots of sex.  I wanted to have someone who would do things I would not do.  She wanted to move out and get away from her parents.  She wanted someone to get her drunk and high.  She wanted to experience things she could only get from an older, more experienced man.

I never said it was wrong.  Most of the time it is not.  If it is done specifically to hurt someone else..... then it IS wrong.  We give to each other.  We compliment each other.  We push each other.  In reality, for good or bad..... we need each other, and we use each other to get what we need.  Sometimes we just do it in the wrong ways.