I have been swamped with pressure and pain here lately. On the outside I am always calm and cool, yet inside I am a fucking mess. I feel like I am one step ahead of a mental breakdown, and that is what motivates me so much. After all, I have responsibilities and I will make sure they are taken care of. I have too keep moving on, as fast as I can. I stop every once and a while to evaluate my performance. I am amazed how things keep working out right, when I always wonder how it possibly can be done in the first place. I take pride in our accomplishments, and learn from our disappointments.
Somehow I have been finding my comfort in watching videos of peoples poetry, spoken word, and story telling. It is something I have always wanted to be able to do. To boldly get up on stage, in front crowds of people, and pour out my stories, visions, emotions. Get it all out in the open without any fear of judgement or repercussion. Words take on some much power when spoken aloud. Alas, that is not me. I have written hundreds of poems, that no one will ever hear. I have written songs, that no one will ever hear. I have written stories, that no one will ever hear. I am shy, loaded with anxiety, and feel most alone in a room full of people. There have been times, for work or family's sake I have pushed all that aside and done what I needed, but I would rather not have to at all.
I suppose, overall I have become quite a well functioning, dysfunctional part of society. Compromised by an extremely big heart, and too often, a bad judge of character. My current situation I must only endure. The future is still a big, bright shining star. There is just a little eclipse going on right now. Always, in the back of my mind I wonder, "Will there ever come a time when this is all just too much for me?"