Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Laughter of Children

I was doing deliveries today. When I drove up to a church something caught my gaze. There through the overly expensive glass doors I saw a group of children between the ages of 4 and 6.  There were probably 20 kids and 2 teachers.  I reached for the door handle to get out of the van and go inside, but then I changed my mind.  Not wanting to disrupt their activity I sat and watched them for about 15 minutes.  Hey, don't say it, they take out a 30 minute lunch break on me no matter what I do every day.  What's wrong with watching children play?

I watched one of the teachers lead them in a chaotic game of Simon Says.  "Simon says hop on one leg, Simon Says spin around, Simon says clap your hands, sit down.  Ohhh, Simon didn't say sit down, you are out!"  They were having so much fun, laughing, clapping, hopping, screaming and spinning.  Some were having so much fun they kept on spinning until they fell down and then rolled around on the floor.

A few minutes went by and then it was time to play Pretend.  Do you remember pretending to be someone or something?  The untainted imagination of children is the absolute best.  They all pretended to be carrying something very heavy.  Then they pretended to be monsters, holding their hands up high, growling and chasing each other around.  Then they pretended to be ballet dancers and they twirled around the room.  Later it was zombies, with their heads down and cocked sideways they drug one leg behind and slowly moped around the room.  Then the teachers lost control and all the kids did what kids do best, act silly.  They were dancing, running, spinning, hopping, jumping and having a ball.

 THIS ^^^^^ is what it is all about to me.  These ^^^^^ children are the perfect example of pure enjoyment.  Fun and a lack of peer pressure equals total happiness for these kids.  I could tell that even the teachers were having a ball.  Just for a few minutes they forgot they were grown ups and they were free to play.  THIS ...... is what I need to see more of.  The smiles, cheers, playfulness, joy, imagination, and above all:  The Laughter of Children. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I am Gemini, not Cancer.....

I have lived a thousand lives, and I am only 37.  I wonder what I have done to be so blessed.... or so fucking cursed.  Why is it that I get so interconnected with people, some I have never even met.  Why is it that is do not comprehend the body, but can see str8 into your soul?  Why is it that when they die, a part of me is lost as well?  I wonder all thie time if I am special, or completely worthless.  I wonder.... I wonder..... I wonder.  Will I ever get it back?

I was once a Gemini, through and through.  Duality, two halves that form a whole.  One light and one dark, the seed of Angels and Demons.  Once, I could slit your throat and watch you die, cold was I.  The other side would try to revive you, cry with you and go to the hospital with you.  Now.... tonight, I don't know what I am.  I am lost.  I wanted to be the best, but fear I have become the worst.  Pieces of me are gone,  I let them go... with him, and her.... and them.  I am not a whole anymore, just pieces of the puzzle.  Part of an intity I once knew.

My eyes were once a bright blue, like the sky on a beautiful day.  They seem to be gray now, clouded.  Pain, regret and sorrow fill my heart.  They fight constantly with happiness, truth and love.  I am only 37, no body prepared me for this.  Why not?  Were they afraid we would have just given up then, or that we would have not given a fuck at all?  I care too much, I know I do.  I have to be strong for my wife and two kids.  Is there someone that is being strong for me?  I don't know how I keep going on.

I have lost 10 friends in the last 12 years.  Six were from cancer, 3 from drug abuse, 1 diabetes complications.  I am only 37, no one prepared me for this.  Times like these I sit and stare at the stars, because sometimes the earth is empty.  I silently scream at the heavens.  I would fight your so called "GOD" to bring you back.  You were/are the best of us and the rest of us, well....... we need you.  I need some glue and stiches on my broken heart.  A part of my soul is dead.  I don't know how much I have left before I go back to ice, so cold...... and hard as a diamond.   For once.... I am afraid.

When my eyes turn black, and my soul grows cold, you will know it is my time.  Somewhere, I hope someone will be strong for me. 

He Said ..... She Said. Tha REMIX!

An old blog I deleted, reconstituted and resurrected.

She (a woman that cheats on her husband frequently) told her (a woman that lied to her boyfriend and the new man she was currently seeing and cheating on her boyfriend with) that there is a woman (who has been divorced and currently in a relationship with a married man) her husband (a man that was sleeping with 4 different women when they met) is friends with, that is a whore ( a woman/man that sleeps with multiple people).  He (the man that cheated on the woman he is now married to with his ex fiance) told his wife (the woman that was with her boyfriend while she was cheating on him with her new, soon to be boyfriend, and that boyfriends current girlfriend) that they (he and the girl) were just friends.  He (the guy that realized what a bunch of fucking hypocrites people really are) said she (his wife) could tell her friends(cheating ass friends) to mind their own business and fuck off.  He (the happily married man) smiled, hugged his wife, popped his collar and dusted off the haters.  She (his wife) did not say anything because she considered them (the evil ones) to be her friends.
Later they (the miserable women) decided to try it again (screwing around with someones relationship).  They (the  people that seem to hate seeing a married couple happy) told her (the happily married wife) that her marriage would be better if she (the still happily married wife) cheated on her husband.  She (the bewildered woman) was shocked and amazed.  She (the woman with believed in her marriage vows) said no, that is not something she (the woman who felt no need to cheat) ever wanted to do.  they (the conspirators) told he that he (her loving husband) was out doing it anyway, so she (the overwhelmed wife) should too.  She (the woman who trusted her husband) realized these (demons) women were NOT her friends and she distanced herself from them.  A short while later she (the evil one) brought up again, that she thought he (the loving husband of the happily married woman) was cheating on her.  At that point she (the faithful wife) decided she was done with this woman and needed to find a new job, far far away from the evil ones.   The evil ones then started a frantic campaign to smear the faithful wife.  Posting repeatably on Facebook and the My Hattiesburg forums the evil one claimed she was a victim.  She (the misguided, miserable one who started the whole thing) is not a victim.  She instead has lost a very good friend, and created an enemy.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ooh Rah! Veterans Day

It is Veterans Day today.  The official day to honor veterans in America.  What a wonderful display of affection we have for these men and women.  While we (civilians) do not always agree with what the military is asked to do, the vast majority of us still support them 100%.  I would like to thank all veterans, and all service men and women for defending our country, freedom, and beliefs.  Stay strong, stay safe and stay proud, because we are very proud of YOU.

Yes, I did "Ooh Rah!"  It is only normal that I be slightly partial to The United States Marine Corps, being raised by a 30 year Marine.  He often tells me the I am part Marine because I was raised under the banner.  I called him first thing this morning to thank him and tell him I have always been proud!  I would like to share something he told me once, just a little tidbit. He does not talk a lot about his years of enlistment, so hen he does I listen well.

During the Vietnam War he was a Captain I believe.  He said one of the nicest things he could do for his men was to get them different kinds of food.  Specifically, he said canned peaches were one of their all time favorites.  He talks about sending them a can a piece any time he could.  Sometimes if they were on patrol they even had to spray paint the cans before they could take them to them, because they were shiny and reflected light, possibly putting the men in danger.  Then after they were eaten they could dig a hole and bury the cans.  Just a little reminder that it is the small things in life that are really important, like a can of peaches that boosted the moral of many a soldier in a foreign country (and were good for their health too). 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Dark Days

Days like today are ones I could do without.  Days of waiting and wondering.  They are filled with false expectation and harsh realities.  The silence can be defining.  Every breath I take is a labor, and every exhale I feel my body shake as I try to hold it in.  Right on the edge of tears, but hoping so fucking hard for good news, a miracle so to speak.

I go outside and pick a gorgeous flower, and it immediately starts to die.  Taking it inside, I find my most beautiful vase to showcase its magnificence.  I give it water to sustain it and a aspirin to ease its suffering.  Day after day I watch as it's colors fade and it's petals droop.  I pick up the fallen petals and wish it was young again, something near it's former glory. Eventually there are no petals left, and no wondrous smell.  I am helpless as it withers away.  I become angry, enraged at my own inability, so I lash out at everyone around me.  Then the silence falls, and it is defining ..... almost maddening.  To cope, I reminisce.  I tell stories of how wonderful the flower smelled, how pretty and vibrant it's colors were, and we laugh and smile.  Then we try to fill the hole where that lovely flower once was, but we never will.  There will only be a void where there once was magnificence.

One day I will wither away as well.  I will take comfort in knowing what a wonderful life I had.  I am not afraid of my journey with Azrael, he will guide me well.  I only worry of the sadness that will stay behind.  I do not want to be that void, I want to be remembered as a flower.