Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I am Gemini, not Cancer.....

I have lived a thousand lives, and I am only 37.  I wonder what I have done to be so blessed.... or so fucking cursed.  Why is it that I get so interconnected with people, some I have never even met.  Why is it that is do not comprehend the body, but can see str8 into your soul?  Why is it that when they die, a part of me is lost as well?  I wonder all thie time if I am special, or completely worthless.  I wonder.... I wonder..... I wonder.  Will I ever get it back?

I was once a Gemini, through and through.  Duality, two halves that form a whole.  One light and one dark, the seed of Angels and Demons.  Once, I could slit your throat and watch you die, cold was I.  The other side would try to revive you, cry with you and go to the hospital with you.  Now.... tonight, I don't know what I am.  I am lost.  I wanted to be the best, but fear I have become the worst.  Pieces of me are gone,  I let them go... with him, and her.... and them.  I am not a whole anymore, just pieces of the puzzle.  Part of an intity I once knew.

My eyes were once a bright blue, like the sky on a beautiful day.  They seem to be gray now, clouded.  Pain, regret and sorrow fill my heart.  They fight constantly with happiness, truth and love.  I am only 37, no body prepared me for this.  Why not?  Were they afraid we would have just given up then, or that we would have not given a fuck at all?  I care too much, I know I do.  I have to be strong for my wife and two kids.  Is there someone that is being strong for me?  I don't know how I keep going on.

I have lost 10 friends in the last 12 years.  Six were from cancer, 3 from drug abuse, 1 diabetes complications.  I am only 37, no one prepared me for this.  Times like these I sit and stare at the stars, because sometimes the earth is empty.  I silently scream at the heavens.  I would fight your so called "GOD" to bring you back.  You were/are the best of us and the rest of us, well....... we need you.  I need some glue and stiches on my broken heart.  A part of my soul is dead.  I don't know how much I have left before I go back to ice, so cold...... and hard as a diamond.   For once.... I am afraid.

When my eyes turn black, and my soul grows cold, you will know it is my time.  Somewhere, I hope someone will be strong for me. 

1 comment:

  1. You can bet that there's someone fighting on your behalf. Count on it.