Thursday, July 11, 2019
Damaged... Not Broken
"You can not break down what can't be broken
They can do all they can do but they can't break unbreakable
They scared to face the truth because they hate the view
They taste the juice, I hope it make 'em puke, I'm breakin' loose
Should I throw up the deuce or should I waive the deuce"
Lil Wayne Can't be broken
It runs through his mind like a Amtrack train. Over and over. A song by a artist so many love to hate, who preaches on the world. Watching and waiting for the right moment to speak, but his lips can't move. The right words aren't there. Are there really any words? It's just too much for him to see you like this. Crushed by the pain. Unable to move on. Locked in a single moment in time where everything faded to black.
Days have passed. Yet the feelings remain. The confusion, the sorrow, the enlightenment and the lingering depression of loss. Today is better, isn't it? No smiling through the tears yet. No lying to people about why your eyes are watering. But the feelings are still there. They are becoming internalized. He sees that. A moment of chill here and there. You shake like a ghost is tickling your spine. That brief hollow moment, where you find absolute despair. You want to scream, but it just won't come out. You have to swallow it back down and try to go back to work. Stay busy and occupied. Your mind is processing as fast as it can. This is healing. Your mind is reevaluating everything it thought it knew for a fact. About so many things, you were wrong. No joke, It's going to take a while.
The song. It isn't about what you are going through. It's what he wants to tell you. He is proud of you for working through this. Making the right choices and sticking with them. Walking in blind. Swallowing your pride and taking whatever came your way. No matter how bad it hurt, it needed to be done. Those were things that have haunted you for years. Some of those feelings can be laid to rest now. Some never will. Others will be cherished til the day you die. Locked up and put away where only you can find them. The little monster inside will stand guard. Always ready to fight for you. Those feelings are pure emotion and give you the strength to stand tall against the darkness inside you. That was her gift. You are both better for it now. Always remember you are never alone.
After all the years he watched you suffer. All the pain in your life. Some caused by others and some by yourself. You have never been broken. Damaged yes, never broken. Pick yourself back up and start again. The armor you wear is a little bit lighter. The cracks are starting to show. Those cracks are a good thing. It lets the emotions vent into the universe so you don't explode. Stop holding it all in. You are unbreakable. No one can take that away from you. And he'll be dammed if he lets you do it to yourself. This is the process. Wet, lather, rinse , repeat. Clean yourself up, pull yourself back together, and get back in the game. as time goes on you will understand more and more. Perhaps you will even look back and smile that it happened, no more crying about what was lost.
Now it's time to stand up tall and get out from in front of this mirror. He has seen enough of you for today.
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
CHANGE
Dude! Don't even know where to begin. My mind is racing and I need some relief. This blog was supposed to be just that for me, some relief from the storm inside my head. All those thoughts that need to be sorted. The feelings that just don't make sense. Constantly searching for the when, why, how, and were life took it's turns. Some for good, some for bad, and some that we can't even understand yet. That's where I am right now... trying to understand. It always helps to write it down. So that's what this is, a journal entry about how it got from here to there.
It started when someone asked me to write them a story. They liked the way I spoke and wrote at times. The images I used to convey my feelings. I have never been able to make things simple in life. I over analyze everything. Add to it some ADHD, anxiety and depression and who knows what will come out in the end. Going to the mall becomes an epic quest in search of new armor to fight the trolls living under the overpass. That's where it came from. A request, and then the realization that other people were reading them too. And many times they shared that they had the same feelings and had faced the same demons I had (or was).
People love stories and lord knows I have some good ones. They love to be wisped away to another reality. Even more important we are all seeking common ground. Familiar feelings. Justification. None of those are the right words, but that one escapes me right now. No one wants to feel alone in life. No one wants to feel like they are the only ones that have problems. Thinking "It's just me" is where we turn to darkness and hide things in the closet. Then they grow into monsters and demons we have to fight for the rest of our lives. But we still hide them the best we can from the rest of the world. I always wanted so badly to know that I was not alone. I have feelings, and I wear them on my sleeve sometimes.
Then it happened. The ridicule. The attacks. The vicious nature of the angry, anonymous, human being who thinks they will face no consequences for their transgressions. Being made fun of and called names after pouring your soul into something is definitely a real party pooper. "You are a liar!" I still see that one. It became a troll-a-thon. If you are an active member of any forum, especially if you have been there for years, you expect a certain amount of respect and common decency. I got none in the end, so I left. I backed up all my current posts and left. That forum is now long gone.
A few months later I tried posting a few blogs in a new forum. But it was, in all actuality, too new to me. I didn't know it's community and it didn't know me. Nothing felt right about it. I literally felt like I was cheating on my former forum.... So gone again, I went.
Then someone said go to Blogger. You can do whatever you want and no one will care or mess with you. So I did. And I transferred some old things and wrote some new ones. Then one day it happened. I stopped drinking alcohol. And I stopped writing shortly there after. I had so much I wanted to say, but I couldn't dwell long enough to write it down. I think all those years I was just self medicating to dull the painful memories I have carried. "I drink because I am depressed, and I am depressed because I drink." And it definitely helped me slow down my body and mind long enough to finish a entry. I have quite a few more unfinished drafts than I do finished ones. I am also an alcoholic, raised by an alcoholic. Ahhhh, yes! That vicious old cycle. But his isn't about that.
I honestly don't like to read most of those old blog posts. No one should. Many of them are fueled by alcoholic rage, loneliness, and despair. In fact some of them I even deleted. But that was where I was. That was the only way I knew how to deal with the hand I was given. No regrets. It's so easy to look back and criticize. To tear yourself apart over things. The woulda, shoulda, coulda of any decision made, or not made. Those are the times you wake up screaming in the middle of the night. And search for comfort to ease the torment.
This is a new day. A new time. A new me. I am just thinking out loud. Trying to slow down enough so my fingers can keep up. Lots of things have changed, but many are the same. This is just a simple form of self help. A way to put things into order, from my perspective. I have learned a lot in the last years. I have learned even more in the last couple weeks. Especially about perspective. From outside perspective, which lead to a deeper understanding. I learned a lot about who I am. I learned more about what light I have to give, and the darkness I need to overcome. I know now that I am willing and ready for change.
It started when someone asked me to write them a story. They liked the way I spoke and wrote at times. The images I used to convey my feelings. I have never been able to make things simple in life. I over analyze everything. Add to it some ADHD, anxiety and depression and who knows what will come out in the end. Going to the mall becomes an epic quest in search of new armor to fight the trolls living under the overpass. That's where it came from. A request, and then the realization that other people were reading them too. And many times they shared that they had the same feelings and had faced the same demons I had (or was).
People love stories and lord knows I have some good ones. They love to be wisped away to another reality. Even more important we are all seeking common ground. Familiar feelings. Justification. None of those are the right words, but that one escapes me right now. No one wants to feel alone in life. No one wants to feel like they are the only ones that have problems. Thinking "It's just me" is where we turn to darkness and hide things in the closet. Then they grow into monsters and demons we have to fight for the rest of our lives. But we still hide them the best we can from the rest of the world. I always wanted so badly to know that I was not alone. I have feelings, and I wear them on my sleeve sometimes.
Then it happened. The ridicule. The attacks. The vicious nature of the angry, anonymous, human being who thinks they will face no consequences for their transgressions. Being made fun of and called names after pouring your soul into something is definitely a real party pooper. "You are a liar!" I still see that one. It became a troll-a-thon. If you are an active member of any forum, especially if you have been there for years, you expect a certain amount of respect and common decency. I got none in the end, so I left. I backed up all my current posts and left. That forum is now long gone.
A few months later I tried posting a few blogs in a new forum. But it was, in all actuality, too new to me. I didn't know it's community and it didn't know me. Nothing felt right about it. I literally felt like I was cheating on my former forum.... So gone again, I went.
Then someone said go to Blogger. You can do whatever you want and no one will care or mess with you. So I did. And I transferred some old things and wrote some new ones. Then one day it happened. I stopped drinking alcohol. And I stopped writing shortly there after. I had so much I wanted to say, but I couldn't dwell long enough to write it down. I think all those years I was just self medicating to dull the painful memories I have carried. "I drink because I am depressed, and I am depressed because I drink." And it definitely helped me slow down my body and mind long enough to finish a entry. I have quite a few more unfinished drafts than I do finished ones. I am also an alcoholic, raised by an alcoholic. Ahhhh, yes! That vicious old cycle. But his isn't about that.
I honestly don't like to read most of those old blog posts. No one should. Many of them are fueled by alcoholic rage, loneliness, and despair. In fact some of them I even deleted. But that was where I was. That was the only way I knew how to deal with the hand I was given. No regrets. It's so easy to look back and criticize. To tear yourself apart over things. The woulda, shoulda, coulda of any decision made, or not made. Those are the times you wake up screaming in the middle of the night. And search for comfort to ease the torment.
This is a new day. A new time. A new me. I am just thinking out loud. Trying to slow down enough so my fingers can keep up. Lots of things have changed, but many are the same. This is just a simple form of self help. A way to put things into order, from my perspective. I have learned a lot in the last years. I have learned even more in the last couple weeks. Especially about perspective. From outside perspective, which lead to a deeper understanding. I learned a lot about who I am. I learned more about what light I have to give, and the darkness I need to overcome. I know now that I am willing and ready for change.
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