Monday, October 31, 2016

A Long Night

A nice hot shower was exactly what he had needed. It had been a very long day and he just wanted to lie down for a while.  Just rest his eyes for a few minuites.  The towel hit the floor and he laid down.  The bed was so comfortable it felt like floating on clouds. The whole day just seemed to flash before his eyes. Slowly fading away as his eyes began to close. He rolled onto his side and started falling asleep.

He felt something very soft and warm touching his back.  Then a warm breath very close to his ear.  The breathing grew hotter and closer on his neck and he felt her body press firmly against his.  Then the hand on his shoulder and it ran lightly down his arm.  He was barely awake now.  "Is this a dream?" he thought.  It felt so real to him. She even smelled good.  Very familiar like he knew her.  Every part of his body was aching with anticipation of the next movement.  He felt her breasts pushing against his back.  So soft and warm. Yet Her nipples grew hard as her fingers lightly danced back up his arm and onto this shoulder.  She slid her other arm under his pillow and under his head.  Pulling him closer to her.  Her arms wrapped around him and he felt the chills shoot down his spine.  Every hair stood up as she pressed her lips onto his neck and began it kiss him.

It was soft and subtle at first.  Gently, lightly, slowly kissing up to his ear, flicking it with her tongue.  Then she pressed hard and she ran it down to his shoulder.  His nipples were so hard.  She brushed her fingers over them.  She began to suck on his neck as she ran his nipples between her fingers.  Her grip was getting tighter as she sucked harder.  Then she squeezed them so hard it hurt for a second.  She didn't let go.  She pulled him into her so close. She was so warm, almost hot.  It felt like his skin was on fire. He never imagined her being so strong.  He felt almost helpless.  He couldn't move even if he wanted to.  A bit of panic shot through him and he wanted to get up, to run away, but he also wanted more.  He needed more.  He had to know how far she would go.

His neck started to hurt from her mouth.  It was brusing he was sure.  He squirmed a little to get her to loosen up.  Tried to open his arms.  Pushing back against her.  She only squeezed tighter.  Her tongue started licking his shoulder.  Then his neck.  Pushing hard against the bruise she had made.  His nipples stayed so hard.  He pushed against her again, harder this time.  He felt her nails dig into his chest.  He pushed again starting to make space between them.  She dug her nails in an jerked him back so forcefully.   He slammed against her naked body.  She didn't give at all.  Solid.

"Uhhhh" When he hit her she made a soft noise.  He thought he knocked the wind out of her.  He felt her grip begin to relax.  He almost couldn't move from her fingernails.  I must be bleeding, he thought.  They felt like they were inside his skin.  It burned and tingled.  Her hands released their grip on his chest and started lightly rubbing down his chest, his stomach.  He got so hard in anticipation.  He wanted to feel her hands rubbing him.  Holding him as he throbbed.  Then she stopped.  He felt her nails again.  Running up his stomach.  Slowly, getting harder.  Hurting as they dug in.  His skin burned as they moved.

She pinched his nipples between her fingers.  Then ran her nails across them.  Her leg draped over his and locked in.  Her hands pulled on his chest.  She was forceful now.  Like she wanted him inside her.  Her nails sunk deep and he tried to jump up, but he didn't move more than a inch.  She had him and she was not letting go.  Then she spoke for the first time.  She had a deep accent.  Very deep and coarse. Even her voice was strong. The closest she could think of was a Russian spy he once saw on the telivision. "I have been watching you for a long time. I watch you work and I watch you sleep. I have waited patiently.  Do you remember waking up with my scent on your pillow and my cum on your lips?  Do you remember me?" He struggled to breathe.  Swallow he thought.  Her nails hurt so much he was paralyzed, but still he wanted more. "Yes," he breathed.  "Do you want me?" She asked.  "Yes,"he whispered.

"I will make you mine" she said.  He felt her lips press down on his neck.  Then her hand slid down and wrapped around his throbbing dick.  Her other hand dug her fingernails deeper into his chest. Her teeth began to tighten onto his skin. He was sure he could feel her inside him. Draning him.  She stroked his shaft as she continued to bite down.  There was something warm and wet running down his neck and onto his chest.  He had never felt so much pleasure before.  He started tingling, then his skin flushed.  He thought he was going to faint.  He was afraid, but he completely trusted her.  She had come for him and he would cum for her......

Thursday, July 14, 2016


Sitting here this morning in total shock. A dam in both eyes just ready to crack and flood the valleys below. It is a morning of extreme sadness. In fact, it has been a week of it. Another great life has ended far too short. A man that would give the shirt off his back to help a friend in need. A fellow Jaycee, family man, business man and fun guy. My last memories will be shaking his hand as he offered me good luck in my job search. I had been laid off and even though I knew NOTHING about his business, he invited me to come in for an interview. We spent 2 hours talking and he showed me all the aspects of what they did. He actually taught me quite a lot that day. Even let me play in the dirt a little bit. Who doesn't like to play in the dirt now and then? He asked if we would like to come out to the lake and take a ride in his boat. Although we had already made plans for that weekend though, I really appreciated the offer.

Add to that finding out that a friend and a different family member are fighting a uphill battle with cancer and you create a very emotional roller coaster ride. I have often heard it comes in threes. This is all the proof I need. I am not a religious man. At these times I pray though. I pray that the families can come together and work through their respective tragedies. I pray that I am strong enough to help in any way possible, if they should ever ask.

Today I am asking myself to change. This is a confession of sorts. I have made a lot of promises I have never kept. They all involve people. We have all made them. A friend may say let's have lunch, come by and talk sometime, can you help me move a couch or call me. And we try, we do. But we are all so busy these days. So many things to be done. So many "important" things. Work related things, kid related things, family, pets, etc. Then you look up and you have lost contact with that person altogether, or worse, they are gone from this mortal world. It could be a person you grew up with, or someone you met online. Some are simply too far away to go see.

Maybe we are overwhelmed with life in general. I know I get that way at times. Some days I want to crawl up in a fetal position and hide. I seem to devote most of my time to working to pay bills. Then I end up working on those things I am paying bills on. Many times I look around and wonder how my life got this way. Things were never important to me, relationships were. Sometimes I think I get scared. Maybe I don't know them that well. What will I do? What will I say? What if we really don't get along? All these reasons, all of the excuses. Maybe, just maybe I am completely selfish. I have a hard time in giving up the little bit of free time I do have.

There is a signature under my post that I refuse to change. It reminds me of all the great conversations we had. What MyHattiesburg once was and what it meant to me. It also reminds me that I had 2 good chances to go see him, and I didn't. Lost chances. There are 2 people I regret not going to meet when I had the chance, both from this website. There are 4 more I regret not going to visit from my personal life, because I thought I had plenty of time. Lost chances. When those chances are gone you don't get any more. I have 3 people to call today after work, that have basically put on hold. I have a friend to offer my assistance to that I have never even met. I have a trip to plan to see someone that was like a mother to me and is in the hospital with cancer. I have a best friend that I have not seen in about 6 years because we grew distant and busy. Misunderstandings happen, hurt happens, distance happens, time happens, life happens, but it can all be patched up if you want to.

I look in the mirror and I am proud. I am proud that I have lived so many lives. I have had so many chances of my own. That I have great kids and a awesome wife. I am proud that at 42 I may be healthier than I ever was before. Most of all I am proud that I have made a difference in several people's lives. Life is so fragile and I was so stupid to take the risks that I did. Because of it I am able to relay my experiences, failures and successes. BUT, there are some things I regret. Things I am ashamed of and that bring me great sadness. Those are things I truly wanted to do, and, for whatever reason..... I never got the chance. They involve relationships. The things I never got to say, the call I didn't make, the visit I skipped on for whatever reason. Just because "The doctor says I have 6 more months" does not mean anything. You should go today, DON'T wait until the weekend because it is more convenient. This is a issue I have had for years and I know I am not the only one.

I am 42, yesterday it seems like I was only 14. I didn't want anyone or need anyone in my life. I don't remember growing up. It just happened. This is what someone passing does to me.... every time. I reflect on the fact that I am not perfect. That I am very selfish. That I want and need some people in my life now. That sometimes I do need their help and they do mine. That I want them to know how important they are to me and why. That many times I have a lot to give. WE have to be proactive in maintaining those relationships and NOT letting them pass me by. Most of all I have learned that there is never going to be enough time. You have to make time to fit in the important things, your family and friends.

"Stuff" means nothing. In the end nothing else is important besides the relationships you build and maintain, or do not maintain. The memories you make and the stories you pass down. Sometimes you only have yourself to blame for losing those relationships. My mom told me once while she was in her last days "I saved all these things for you, you have my house, cars, money, birds." I thanked her so much for it because that's is what she needed to hear. Then I told her I would gladly give it all back to just spend some more time with her. "We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one." To quote Dr. Who. I think he wrote some very good stories. I know he will be missed very much, by so many. From casual acquaintances to family, he touched so many. Through this site he touched thousands. He asked me to come back and write one more blog not too long ago. I told him I would. I never thought it would be about this. I would have preferred to write some magical post about Unicorns dancing in fields filled with flowers, but I am not there. Not today, not this week. I have rambled enough, my thoughts run wild. RIP my friend, until we meet again...... My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Those Moments In Time

She asked why I was smiling.  I was not aware I was.  Just dazing away.  Staring off into space. I just ignored her.  She asked again "What are you smiling about?"  This time much more demanding for an answer.  My eyes blinked quickly and he was gone.

I dared not look at her.  It's at those moments in time we are most vulnerable.  The slightest nudge and the damn will explode.  We are not allowed to show emotion.  Not allowed to be seen as weak.  She doesn't like me when I get soft.  I am her rock, she is not mine.

I thought about his smile.  That goofy ass laugh he always had.  He sure was good with jokes and keeping everyone entertained.  Always in a great mood.  I though about how he was always there to help the younger kids out.  How he would hold the door open and greet every single person as they came in for the meetings.  Always with that big smile on his face.

I wondered what had changed.  How had his life had turned so bad and so quickly.  We just hung out and talked days before.  There was a sweet girl hitting on him and they were supposed to go out on a date.  Everything seemed great.  The date never happened.  She read about in the paper.  I found out in a phone call.  I saw myself giving him a hug and saying "I sure miss you my friend, see you again soon."  Then he was gone again.  Until that next time I daydream.

Somehow I managed to hold back the tears.  I cleared my throat with much authority and said, "The sheetrock is cracking in the joints.  It is going to need to be calked and painted.  It's always something with these old houses."  She agreed and we both took sips of our coffee.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Shedding Skin

I had a prediction when I was young.  It was the only prediction I ever had.  I said I would never live past the age of  21.  I thought we would all be dead honestly.  The wars, the disease, famine, evolution, climate, and over population were all against us.  How could we possibly survive when there was this giant monster looming in the darkness just waiting to consume us all?  Turns out is was all media spin.  Magic of the teLIEvision.  They manipulate the facts, mix them with opinions, give us a point of view, then prove it to us.  Funny, it is still happening today.  Now, thanks to social media, we are bombarded with it every second of every day.

But, I digress.  This story is about me and I will make concerted effort to push my add out for long enough to get to my point.  I never thought about the "future."  I never set any goals.  I really didn't think it mattered.  When people said I was messing up, I told them it didn't matter.  When people said I was ruining my chance to go to college, I said it didn't matter.  When people said my behavior was self destructive, I said it didn't matter.  When people said I was going to die young, I said it didn't matter.  The president may push the button and start a nuclear war with Russia any minute.  The next ice age could start tomorrow.  Nothing matters.

Boi, I am so glad I was wrong.  I moved so many times. Started over so many times.  I shed so many skins. I have so many interests.  I like so many types of weather.  I have friends all over the United States.  I love the outdoors.  I have learned so much.  I have so much more to learn. I have finally forgiven.  I have finally forgotten.  I am finally sober.  I know what makes me happy.  I know what I enjoy.  I love helping people.  I love teaching people.  I love coaching kids.

I now have a goal.  My goal is to be a part of a good memory in someone's mind.  The kind that pops into your head from out of nowhere, makes you stop for a second to remember, and puts a smile on your face.  That means something.  Means you had a positive impact on someone's life.  As the good Doctor said "We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one."

I wish I could have understood all this a long time ago.  My mind is fresh and young, but my body feels the weight of all those years of abuse.  I still have a lot left to give.  Someone told my wife they thought I was a teenager playing soccer a couple days ago.  Almost 42 and people think I am a teenager on the soccer field.  Maybe I will keep this skin.  It fits me quite well.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Darkness

Here I sit, alone at last.  Running away again.  In light I burn, in darkness I flourish.  My soul never to be whole again. There was a time it all made sense.   A time I had all the answers.  Now I sit and watch as those I love.... take the leap and slowly fall.

Rhyme and reason have lost their way.  They stumble like broken words.  The words I spoke when I promised "It will all be okay in the end."  Here I am. I crawl away... only to drown my self in sin.

Stuck on the ledge I cried out for help.  You bit and came to the rescue.  I fooled you once.  I fooled you twice.  My plan was only to use you.  Now it is clear I have gone too far, and only ended up abusing you.   Good bye my love.... I will bleed, but I know all to well why I must lose you.

Take my pain and use it well, or the darkness will consume you.

Evil That Men Do

I sat down today to finish a few blogs that I had been working on, off and on.  Imagine my surprise to find that only pieces of them remained.  One was very important for Halloween, especially since I was asked to write it for a couple other people.  Normally..... I just write to get things out of my head.  Anyway, it is gone and I am pissed..... fuck.  Apparently, drafts are not always safe.  That is not what I was thinking about anyway.

I was at the gym today, running like a hamster on a wheel.  I had a thought running through my head.... lyrics from a song actually.

"Every man is evil, yes.
 Every man's a liar.
 Unashamed with the wicked tongue
 Singing in the black soul choir."
 16 Horsepower - Black Soul Choir

I realized today that I have spent so much of my life trying to be the proverbial "Good Guy."  The one that people trust and turn to for help and advice.  The one that would offer assistance with no strings attached.  The proverbial "Good Guy,"  you know.....the one that always loses in the end.  I spent so much time trying to be that guy, that I never noticed how bad I actually was.

I decided a while back that all people have a bad side, a dark side.  The main difference is how far have they gone.  Were they willing to compromise their own principals?  Were they willing to injure someone else to get what they want?

That is the basis of it isn't it?  It is all about selfishness and greed.  It is human nature after all.  Self preservation.  Survival of the fittest.  The ID and the EGO.  Wants versus needs.  Protection, stability, control.  I am from America where I was raised to believe I can have anything I want.  If no one will give it to me, then I have to take it.  Right?!?!

I always aspired to be above it all.  I can pinpoint where it all went wrong for me, but I never saw it until now.  A boi stole a skateboard from someone else.  He knew he was in trouble so he hid it in my mom's bushes on the side of our house.  I went outside and noticed the bushed were broken and dying.  I looked closer and saw a skateboard.  I kept it and told everybody it was mine.  I could not have afforded to buy a new skateboard.... and I wanted one.  I lied and told my mom I did not know why her bushes were dead.  I told him he was not getting it back because he stole it from somebody else.  Somehow I justified it, even knowing it was wrong.

I look back and realize I was used and abused by people all my life, and so did I.  I can think of things everybody I ever knew did to me, or someone else that was just plain wrong.  A girl wanting to get back at her boyfriend so she dated me for 2 weeks until he was sufficiently jealous and threw me to the curb.  Many different people needing a ride somewhere when I was the only one with a license.  People finding out I had cigarettes, drugs or alcohol and wanting to be the best friends.... until it was all gone.  People wanting to borrow music or movies and never seeing them again.  People wanting to hang out and swim, until something was wrong with the pool and they never came back.  Being narked on so somebody else could stay out of jail.  Then there is always the degradation of being raped and taken advantage of by someone you thought really cared about and wanted to be with you.  Man.... that hurt really bad.

I turned around and did the same shit.  The thing about it is that most of the time it is mutual.  Like relationships, we mutually use each other for things we do not have.  I wanted to have children.  I wanted to have lots of sex.  I wanted to have someone who would do things I would not do.  She wanted to move out and get away from her parents.  She wanted someone to get her drunk and high.  She wanted to experience things she could only get from an older, more experienced man.

I never said it was wrong.  Most of the time it is not.  If it is done specifically to hurt someone else..... then it IS wrong.  We give to each other.  We compliment each other.  We push each other.  In reality, for good or bad..... we need each other, and we use each other to get what we need.  Sometimes we just do it in the wrong ways.

Head Over Heels

His father was in the military and it was time to relocate again.  The move went okay.  At least they had finally arrived in their new town, Fallbrook, California.  They could only get some of their stuff out of storage since they were just renting a apartment for the time being.  Some furniture, clothes, music and his skateboard.  He had a few days to kill before he started school.  It was Friday, but Monday would come all too soon.  His second year in the 9th grade and school had already started here.... joy.  Not really his fault, but that is another story.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous.  "Can I go skate around?" he asked his mom.  "Sure, just be back before dark," she said.  There was a gas station off in the distance, obviously this had to be his destination.  I mean how long was he expected to go without a Mountain Dew?  I mean what the fuck!  The terrain was very hilly, this was all new to him.  Skate a little..... walk up hill a little.... then do it all again.  Where he came from there were no hills.  Everything was flat.... and wet.

When he finally got back he was really tired.  There was a ledge around the flowerbed and he took a seat and lit up a cigarette.  "Hey," he heard, but paid it no mind.  "Guy on the skateboard!" he heard.  Standing up he saw a girl staring at him.  "Hi," he choked out.  His first introduction and he was kinda shy, so he blew it out his ass. 

"I'm April, what is your name?" she said.  "James," he replied.  "You are not from around here are you?"  she said.  He must have heard that statement at least a thousand times.  "No, I am from Louisiana."  he replied.  She paused for a minute, looking him up and down.  "Some of us are going to hang out at the cemetery up the hill, you wanna come hang?"  He got so happy he almost yelled it out, "Hell Yeah!"  They had hung out in cemeteries quite a few times where he was from.  "You find it strange how the darkness calms us." -Mushroomhead  That night he got a little drunk, a little high, and made a couple new friends.  The weekend flew by so fast.

Monday was a real fucking bummer.  Waking up at 6 am and getting ready was no fun.  Plus, he was so nervous his stomach was killing him.  He spent half of his time in the bathroom, not knowing if he was going to puke or crap.  He was not a very outgoing person.  This shit was like torture.  New city, new state, new school, new person.  Jimmy was what he had been called since he was born.  He decided that was no longer him, he was now James.  He got in the car and his parents dragged him to school.

Registration, meeting the principal, a half assed tour of the campus and they set him loose.  Missed first period, so it was off to second.   Late of course.  It is bad enough being a new student, at a new school, but then you have to go in late so everyone can stare at you.  Worse yet, the crazy bitch made him stand in front of the class and introduced him.  He had to sit in a chair because all the desks were full.  She promised to have a desk for him the following day.... yipp-fucking-ee.  Next there was a "morning break" where the students could get a snack or just chill out for 15 minutes, cool.  He got a powdered donut with jelly filling.  You could never get something this cool at his old school, Awesomeness!

Two more periods went by and it was lunchtime. He walked down a hallway toward the lunchroom, at lest he thought it was.  Everybody in the hallway was Latino.  They were lined up on both sides, sitting down, backs against the wall.  He heard someone say "I wouldn't walk down that hallway if I were you, white boy.  They will hurt you."  James turned around and saw a Latino guy, with long black hair, wearing a Slayer shirt.  "Thanks man," he said.  "No worries," was the reply he got back.  It seemed like everybody knew he was not from there, and what the fuck did "No Worries" mean?

He decided he was just going to skip lunch today and walk back to the front of the school.  That part seemed pretty calm to him.  There were some benches to sit on and relax.  Maybe read that new skate mag he had brought.  Walking by the flag pole he paused.  He never made it to the benches.  There was a violent push into his back and his hat was ripped off his head.  Whipping around, he saw a big white guy holding his hat.  Then the guy threw it into the trash can.  James said "what the fuck is your problem?"  The ogre hollered back, "Nobody wears blue around here and gets away with it."  James was not about to lose his favorite skate hat to some giant douche bag.  He said "Okay, I won't wear it here anymore," as he walked over and picked it up out of the trashcan.  It was a baby blue Nike hat with duct tape on it.  One of his best friends gave it to him before he moved.  He dusted it off and was putting it into his book bag when the giant yelled at him, "No, I am going to kick your ass."

Well shit, James thought.  This dude is a lot bigger than me.  He is probably going to beat my ass, but I am not backing down.  Just then he felt a hard shove in his chest and had to take a couple steps back to get his balance.  Every hair on his body raised up.  He walked back up and pushed the guy back and stepped back with both fists clenched... it was on now.  Just then another guy walked in between them and said "It's cool, chill out."  He looked at James and said "He was trying to punk you, and you are obviously not a punk.  We are going to go to the tunnels to grab a smoke, wanna ditch with us?"  Let's see, stay in this scary ass school and probably get his ass beat, or sneak off and smoke a cigarette with some people he knew nothing about.  "Yeah I'll go with you," he replied.

They walked to the edge of the school property waited for a few minutes, making sure nobody was watching.  There were 6 of them on this covert operation.  Then down into a large drainage ditch, under a bridge and into a large storm drain.  They lit up cigarettes, some lit up joints.  This was a cool place and he was starting to relax again.  They were asking him questions, "Where you from, are you a skateboarder, you like drugs, been in trouble with the law?"  Matter of fact he was on probation at the time.  One of them said "We can make sure nobody fucks with you anymore.  We are going to start a rumor that you are fucking crazy and just got out of juvie for stabbing somebody."  He could tell the giant douche was still wanting to fight him from the tone in his voice.  He lit some paper on fire and threw it at James.  James grabbed it and threw it back.  The other guy suggested they smoke a joint and chill the fuck out, so that is just what they did.

Everything was cool and they kinda dazed off.  James looked over and saw a girl.  She was sitting a little ways away from them.  She had caught his eye earlier, but the violence had made him forget everything else.  He didn't think she had said hardly anything the whole time they had been there.  She smiled for a second as they made eye contact, and they both quickly looked away.  He kept glancing at her.  She was a little taller, dirty blond, brown eyes, nice tits, hot ass, and dressed way to nice to be hiding in a storm drain.  She was beautiful and he was very intrigued.  He asked the douche about her.  "Who is she?"  "Her name is Aimee, but I call her Aim-word.  I am going to ask her out."  "The fuck you are" James thought.

He snuck away from school almost everyday.  They introduced him to Munchkin Land, and showed him how to sneak out of every part of the school.  There would be new people and new distractions.  It was like being part of a secret underground organization.  He tried to talk to Aimee every day.  In fact, his whole day was based on seeing her.  More importantly was seeing her smile.  If he did not see her his day would be ruined.  She began talking back.  She really did not talk a lot, in fact sometimes he felt like he had to pull the words out of her.  Actually, she did not have to talk because he could see so much in her eyes.  They seemed to both be hiding from something.  Maybe they should hide together, he thought.  She made him fell better, just being close to her.  He fell head over heels in love with her, and he never looked back.......

It started out being easy to make friends in California.  Nothing like back in the south.  It seemed like in Louisiana if you were not born there, they did not want you there.  These new friends we different.  It was like they were all people that did not fit in somewhere else, so they just stuck together.  They taught him a lot about gangs, colors and turf.  Things he didn't know anything about.

The newness of California wore off really quickly.  He missed his old friends so much.  At times he spent hours alone, crying in his room.   His father told him this would only be a two year post and then they would go back to Louisiana.  In his mind he was just killing time until they moved back.  He made it a point not to get too close to his new friends, but there was one he was already very close to.

Alcohol and drugs were easily available.  That was part of why they hung out in the cemetery a lot.  It made them feel comfortable in the darkness, and there were never many people around.  He never really felt comfortable about snorting lines off of some one's gravestone though.  Somethings are just going to far.  Like when he started selling joints at school.  That was a bad idea.  It lead up to him being strip searched in the principals office by police, and almost getting expelled..... and that was only the beginning of his troubles......