Happiness. The state of being happy. So what the hell does that even mean?
Happy. Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment... Nope.
Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction... Nope
Satisfied with the quality or standard of... Nope
Maybe I am just stuck in a midlife crisis or pandemical depression, but I have lost sight of anything that I really enjoy. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Even the things that I used to enjoy have lost all their excitement. Things I used to love, doing things with my family, children, concerts, vacations, hiking, biking, carpentry, yard work, automotive repair, tv shows, movies, football games, soccer games, video games, and even music, have become mundane and disappointing. I never have enough time to do all the stuff and things.
Everything seems to revolve around bills and debt. I just go to work and make money to pay bills, to buy more things, get more in debt, so I have to work more to pay more bills. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. There is no real enjoyment in it anymore. There is no goal I am trying to achieve. Nothing to look forward to. No pot full of gold at the end of the rainbow. Capitalism. It is another form of control by it's very nature. Consumerism. Being raised in a society that is fixated by constantly upgrading everything to bigger and better, means you will never truly be satisfied. If you get caught in that loop. I am serial # 17595623. I am a paycheck. A cog in the GDP production machine.
I look back now and see everything differently. I had to be institutionalized to mold me, and make good grades, so I could go to college and get good grades. That was the promise made to my generation. A college degree will equal a good job and a good job will equal a good income and a good income will equal a good family life and THAT my friends, will equal happiness. Right up until we hit the real world and were smacked in the face with the reality of that lie. I was told I needed to do many extracurricular activities. Not because I liked any of them, but because it would look good on my resume. The things I really enjoyed, like soccer and skateboarding, were constantly pushed away from me because there was no "future" in it. Meaning income.
But I digress... I just feel stuck. Like... I have made my own cage and I can't get out of it. I guess I have went into a survival mode. There is just enough of whatever it is to keep me going. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just another, longer tunnel. And I stand tall and carry everyone I can along with me. But, the older I get, the heavier it feels. The more I hurt. Emotionally and physically. Maybe it's just my stubborn nature. I don't know what giving up is, but there has to be more to life than survival... If there isn't, then what's the point?
This will pass. I am down. So down right now. Maybe I am just having trouble coping with yet another wave of Covid infections and lockdowns coming on. Maybe I am just about to have a breakdown from being everyone else's emotional support. 2021 is almost over. These last two years of pandemic have been heavy. People ask what it is like and all I can think is heavy. Everything in life has become more complicated, farther away, and more expensive. I stand tall and try to carry everyone along. Constantly searching for that spark I lost.
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