Monday, March 26, 2012


I am feeling a bit Skinny Puppyish this morning and I have been fueling my fires with Death Metal.  My mind literally jumps from topic to topic these days.  So hard to maintain any focused path.  These morning news shows on TV have given me reason to pause.  Are we heading for another civil war?  Will it be a racial or class war?  Will we be heading into WW3, or is this all just more propaganda and media bias to keep us separated?  A world divided, a country divided, a state divided, a community divided, a family divided..... "Define ..... The state of things."

Vile stench.  Decay.  Flesh rotting from the inside out.  Intentional.  Defects in the brain.  Atrophy.  Petrified.  Forrest grows.  Memories lost.  Once relished.  Voices call out from the past.  Unknown.  Unsettling.  Ghost like visions.  Anger mostly.  Pouring out.  Why can't I remember?  WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER!!!

Self infliction.  So painful.  Suicide.  Homicide.  Genocide.  Addiction.  Personality traits gone wrong.  Another day.  Decide.  The future is a scary beast.  Attacking.  Outcome unknown.  One last warrior.  Spirit.  See life through a child's eyes.  Perception filters.  Unbiased.  Untainted with regret.  Today is a good day.  Smiles.  Pure emotion.  Love.  LOVE!!!

There is still hope....... there is still hope..... there is still hope......

I know many people would read this and think "OMG he needs counseling, or some kind of help!"  My thoughts get dark sometimes, a lot here lately.  This is my counseling, this is how I get them out.  I will never need help, as long as I have outlet.  Keeping it inside is when things get scary.  I have hope, always have hope.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Dark Secrets

I swore I would never speak of what happened that day.  I was afraid that if I did they would come and find me.  Make me disappear, or worse harm my family or friends.  Son, here in the twilight of my days I would like to tell you a secret, one I have kept for 66 years.  You may not believe it, or you may.  Whatever you do, do not speak openly about it or they may come for you.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I got a call about 2 broken golf carts that needed repair at about 4pm.  I remember being so pissed because I was supposed to get off at 5 and I knew this would take hours.  None the less I gathered up my tools, jumped in my van and headed to that industrial, pollution filled facility.  It had only been a few days since my last visit there, but upon my return I noticed a lot of changes.

They had installed 2 new automated security gates, with barbed wire across the top.  I had to get out and go to the security house to sign in.  The sign in sheet had a total makeover as well: Name, Organization, Date, Time, Badge Number, Vehicle Type, License Number, Computer Serial Number, Smart phone Serial Number.  Humm, computer or smart phone...... I thought.  They gave me a new badge and let me in.

I reached the golf carts in question and got out my tools.  I took off the battery cover on the first one and immediately noticed one of the battery wires had been disconnected.  Not broken, but unscrewed.  "What the hell?" I thought.  I put the wire back on and hopped on to test it out.  I drove around the entire facility and it was running fine.  I noticed a line of large trucks lined up down one side of the road.  They appeared to be hauling loads of wood chips, like the kind you might put in a flower bed.

I decided to give the golf cart one more trip to make sure it was running A-OK.  In the middle of the second lap is when something caught my eye.  One of the trucks was being lifted up and a 45 degree angle.  It seemed so weird that I quickly snapped a picture with my cell phone.  I drove on past it and down the road, when I heard a loud *CrAsH* and metal *BaNgInG* on metal.  Then there was this very loud sound like very high winds, like a tornado almost *WoOsH*.  Without thinking I took my foot off the pedal and slammed on the brake.  I turned my head around and what I saw made me jump right out of the seat.  There was a security truck right behind me, only inches from my bumper, with the blue and red lights flashing angrily.

A man got out and walked stiffly up to me.  It was a very odd walk, like his legs did not bend at the knees.  He asked me some questions:  "Who do you work for?  What are you doing?  How long are you going to be here?  Do you know it is dangerous to stop on the main road?"  I told him the truth and apologized, he told me to go on and finish my work up.  I could not help but to wonder, where did he come from?  It was like he appeared out of the air.  I had been going there for 5 years and never saw him before, or that security truck.  I started driving back and glanced back again, the truck was gone...... like it just vanished into thin air.

I parked the golf cart by the security gate and started looking at the other one.  It had gotten dark so I had to go to the van and grab my flashlight.  "That is really weird, I thought I parked on the left side of the parking lot, not the right" I thought to myself.  I had been here so many times I just figured my mind was playing tricks on me.  Flashlight in hand, I walked back to the golf cart.  After looking around in the battery compartment I noticed the same thing, one of the battery wires had been disconnected, not broken, just unscrewed.  "Holy Sabotage Batman!"  I yelled in my mind.  This was just too weird.  I do not know if our people had done this to get out of working tonight, or if their people had done this to make our people leave.

I decided to put the cable back on and test this cart as well.  I drove around to the back of the facility and heard some very loud *BaNgInG* noises again.... and then a *SwOoSh* that seemed right above my head.  It was dark now and I was trying to stick to the main road only.  I heard a loud *VrOoM vRoOm* very close to me, accompanied with a very bright *FlAsH* of light, so I stopped.   I could not really make out what I was looking at because it was so dark.  "Ah Ha!"  My new smart phone had a night vision camera.  I pulled it out and pointed at the area of the noises.  The picture was of another truck at about a 45 degree angle.  I changed the settings on my phone and snapped another picture as quickly as I could, and drove off.  Back at the parking lot I checked the pictures again.

What I saw in the second picture was shocking.  I had taken a inferred picture of the area, because smart phones these days can do almost anything.  What looked like a normal semi truck was shining a very iridescent silver.  The whole truck seemed to be glowing, not unlike a distant star on a clear night.  What had originally appeared to be wood chips was now glowing an eerie fluorescent blue.  I had assumed the chips were being unloaded earlier, but now I realized they were being pushed, forcefully, at a very high speed at what appeared to be a solid metal wall, several feet thick.  This was causing the *WoOsHiNg* noise I had heard several times.  It reminded me of watching the space shuttle take off on TV.  For a second, I found myself mourning for the people that died on the space shuttle Challenger, all those years ago.

I felt like a child who just learned something new, I had to see it again and again.  I decided to "Test" out the cart once again.  I drove around to approximately where I had saw the truck, but this time I took the side road behind it, instead of the main road in front.  I snapped a picture and it was blank.  I changed settings and snapped another, but it was blank too.  "What the Fuck" I thought.  I drove on toward the next road when I heard a very loud *RoAr!*  I could not see anything, but there was definitely something there.  I came to a dead stop and snapped another picture.  I clicked the picture and looked at it.  I got so scared I dropped my phone and floored the golf cart.  It was chasing me, right behind me breathing down my neck.... whatever vile, evil thing it was.

I knew now those were not trucks like I had assumed earlier.  They were alive, like some sort of wild animal roaming the forest for food.  I was in their forest, and I was food.   I drove as fast as that cart would go back to the parking lot.  I didn't stop for the stop signs, or slow down for the railroad tracks, just flew right over them.  I reached the parking area and skidded the cart into a spot sideways.  I grabbed my loose tools from the floorboard of the cart and threw them into the toolbox, and as fast as I could I ran and jumped into my work van.  I locked the doors and tried to catch my breath.  As I looked outside everything looked normal.  The parking are was lit up and there were several vehicles parked in their "reserved" spots, just like always.

I decided I better just leave.   I drove to the gate and the guard motioned for me to come to the window.  I slowly walked over, trembling.  He said I looked pale and asked if I was OK.   I told him it had been a very long day and I was tired.  He asked me to walk through a metal detector, and then to sign out.  "Do you have a camera, laptop, or cellphone?" he asked.  "No, I lost my phone earlier today," I told him.  He invited me to the next Southern Misfits Roller Derby match, and wished me a safe night.  I had been to several matches and he knew we were big supporters. *WiNk, WiNk*

I drove out of the gate and about a mile down the road when I saw another *FlAsH* of light.  I pulled over and looked up into the clear night sky.  I saw several bright stars directly over the facility.  I watched for several more minutes and saw another *FlAsH* and a streak of light come from the facility, at about a 45 degree angle.  I decided I needed to get home before it got any later and put my van in drive.

Just then, there was a *FlAsH* and I saw a black Cadillac Escalade, with red and blue lights flashing angrily in the grill.  It had just appeared in front of me from no where.  I put the van in reverse and saw a second *FlAsH* behind me.  Yep, another black SUV with flashing lights.  To my knowledge it was perfectly legal to pull onto the shoulder of the road.  I put the van in park, turned it off and rolled down the window.  There really was not anything else I could do, I was pinned in on both sides.  "If you have not done anything wrong, you have nothing to fear" was a quote running through my mind.

There, a few feet from my van, appeared the security guard from earlier.  This time he was wearing a solid black suit and sunglasses.  He very clumsily and stiffly walked to my window. In his hand he held a small wallet with a badge and an ID card.  Curious, he only had 4 fingers on his hand.  FBI, John Smith, it said.  Without even a movement on his part I felt something dragging me out the window and it slammed into his vehicle.  As I hit it, and hit it hard,  I heard a very loud *GrOwL* and I knew what it was.  Mr. John Smith never moved, nor did his mouth, but I felt his words inside my mind.  It hurt terribly, intense pain,  so intense I passed out.

"We work for the Federal Government of the United States of America.  We own you.  We know everything there is to know about you, your family, pets and friends.  You will forget everything you saw here tonight, EVERYTHING!  We have ways of watching you from the sky, and we can track you wherever you try to run to.  If you ever mention this we will know.  Even if you do talk, you have no proof, and NO ONE will believe it.  Live you life, James, and never speak of this again."  Then there *FlAsHeD* this horrible monster in my mind.  It was so horrible I cried every time I pictured it for years afterward.  It was eating a person, chewing him up, with blood everywhere.  It was my friend from the Guard Shack.

I woke up in my bed at home.  Every part of my body hurt and I had a terrible headache.  There were 2 sores on the back of my neck, like puncture wounds.  I had a mysterious new tattoo of a smiling mouth with iridescent blue, viciously pointy teeth, on my chest.  I knew it was a reminder.  I called in sick at work for a few days.  When I did go back I found my van parked, with my tool box still sitting on the passenger seat.  I opened it up and there was my phone.  I must have picked it up when I loaded up my tools.  I had proof, but who would I tell? 

Several weeks later I got a call to go back to the facility.  One of the golf carts was broken down and they needed it that night.  I called them back and told them to check the battery wires before I came down there.  The wires were fine so I had to go.  I checked in at the gate and went straight to the golf carts.  I found a loose wire and fixed it.  This time I just drove it in the parking lot to test it.  While I was signing out at the guard shack I asked when Joe worked.  I did not see him at the Southern Misfits game like I normally did.  He was their EMT, he was at every game.  The guard told me they had not seen him in 3 weeks.  He said Joe apparently abandoned his post that night and no one, even his wife has heard from him since.  Now I knew why he was not at that game, that was not just a vision in my mind..... they killed him.  

I have not told anyone until now.  You can't believe how guilty I feel for my friends death, even to this day.  If I wouldn't have been so curious, he would still be alive.  Shortly son, I will be gone from this Earth.  This is my only confession.  It feels good to finally let this horror out, and with my death they will believe the secret is dead.  I have always been so proud of you and I love you.  This is my final goodbye, Dad.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Wow, have you looked at the date?  December 15, 2011, where did the year go?  I see quite a bit of news, blogs and video discussing the "end of the world."  They screwed us those Mayans did, ending the calendar like that.  On December 21, 2012 we may just *poof* and cease to exist.  Possibly, the planet will undergo and extreme natural transformation and we will no longer be needed.  Perhaps, just maybe.... we will evolve into beings of pure energy and leave this plane of existence.
No more time or time will end, really?  You do know the concept of time is a man made theory to explain the order of events, don't you?  More specifically, we have to know how long we are going to live.  Very selfish of us.  I do like this "end of the world" concept, even changed some of my aliases to jamboi2012 and jamonit2012, and even JamCo2012 Production several years ago.  I don't like the idea of everybody dying, but I do like the idea of having an exact date for the "END."  Putting an exact date on "Judgement Day" tends to put social issues in perspective, doesn't it?  The day many people believe that we will be judged by God for our actions in this mortal plane.  So now that you know where I am coming from.......  hop on this roller coaster and ride with me.  You can scream all you want, but please no puking, I only brought 1 change of clothes.

To that end, I laugh my ass off.  We are looking at a date the world will end. It is just over a year from now.  The reason I laugh is this funny shit right here. ---->  Isn't it ironic that we are still fighting over such Trivial Bullshit as the color of someones skin?  The world may end... but you are not the same color as me so I do not like you.  WTF!?!?!  Yet here I sit, perplexed by that exact drama unfolding around me.  I do not quite understand why people are racist, so this is to explore my own thoughts as well.  No one is born hating anyone, or anything for that matter.  I believe it is a learned behavior, which in turn means someone must be teaching it. 

You see, I was raised as military brat. I have been in direct contact with people of almost every race, color, creed, and religion.  If you walk on a military base you will see people of different races holding hands, hugging or kissing.  Many service personnel marry people from other countries.  Never, have I cared what color someones skin was.  I do not think I have any racism in my soul.  I examine all people based on what is inside them; personality, education, common sense, and above all is the way they treat me.  I like ALL people, until they give me a reason not to. 

Once again I am an outsider looking in.  Here in Southern Mississippi and Louisiana racism runs rampant in the streets and the institutions.  It is a way of life, passed down from generation to generation.  IGNORANCE BREEDS INTOLERANCE!  That does not mean these people are not educated, quite the contrary and some are very well educated.  I do not think that all people down here are bigots, they are not.  It is probably about 50/50 if I had to guess.

Do you really think that a persons skin color automatically makes them this, or that?  Do you really believe that "She can't help it because she's black?"  I hear this shit all the time at work and at outside accounts.  "I won't vote for a damn Nigger for President," referring to President Obama.  I have been in a conversation with some one who I looked up to, a mentor so to speak.  Just as casually as saying hello, he states that "Niggers are ruining this country."  I almost fell down.   I just looked at him in awe, the conversation was over for me, so I walked away. 

I have been told several times that "Blacks have destroyed the school system."  Please, Mr. Bigot, let me see your proof of that. I was told the other day that a black man, had asked out a white woman, I work with out on a date. She said that her legal guardian did not approve of her dating or being friends with blacks.  Once again, I almost fell down with shock.  This Ultra Christian can not date black people, because her Ultra Christian guardian (owner of a church) says blacks are not as good as whites.  I was explained to his theory on mixing the races, and of course it says so in the bible.  NOT!

Let me not get it twisted, it is not just the white people either.  I have heard so much racist crap from black people around here as well.  My very first run in with racism was from several "friends" of mine.  I had several black friends growing up in Louisiana.  We played basketball all the time, at school or at the park.  Some of us hung out and learned to break dance on cardboard boxes in someones front yard.  I thought we were tight, homies.

I got very close to a girl named Suzann in the 7th grade.  We studied at the library and at each others houses together.  I think it was partly because we were both doing very bad in Social Studies.  After about half the school year we started getting really close, holding hands and such.  We were hanging out all the time after school.  I started to notice I was getting the shit knocked out of me on the basketball court at school.  Then it happened, she said we couldn't hang out anymore one day at school.  I kept bugging her as to "Why?"  She started avoiding me.  Then I got a knock on the front door and saw several of my "friends" in the front yard.  I went outside thinking they wanted to hang out, and was slammed up against my dad's truck.  They were Suzann's brothers and cousins.  They had a plain and simple message for me.  I was not ever to lay a finger on their sister again, or any other black woman on this planet.

I was in shock for days.  Some of my closest friends had turned on me.  The one that gave me the name Jamboi, jam on little white boi, had threatened me.  All this because I was white and I dared to get close to a black woman.  To me she was just a girl I really liked being around, it hurt me a lot.  I didn't talk to Suzann anymore.  I didn't play basketball at school or the park anymore.  I had to find somewhere else to break dance at.  The only one I was still cool with was Ant, or Anthony.  He was her little brother and he didn't give a fuck, we were still homies.  He told me years later she was still sad about what happened, so was I.  Let's just leave those skeletons in the closet from now on.

The most amazing part to me is that anytime I have brought this up in conversation, I am told I am wrong.  People have called me a liar, a drama queen or a "shit starter."  Some discussions have gotten so heated I expected to have to literally fight my way out of the room.  White racists are in denial.  Everyone is unhappy with the way the country is heading.  I think white people just refuse to take their share of responsibility for fucking it up, so they blame it on black people.  Black racists say they wouldn't be racist, if the whites weren't.  That's bullshit too.  They say it is because of slavery that they hate whites.  Can you blame them for holding a grudge?  "Blue eyed white devil."  At the same time, no one in my families history had slaves.  None.  So how can all white people be blamed for the actions of some?

Our cultures and history are so different that we do have a hard time meshing together.  Sometimes we can't even talk to each other, just don't know where to start.  When we do it leads to such amazing collaborations, teamwork, and even babies.  I have seen several mixed racial children that are just beautiful, way beyond "normal" beautiful.  What if Andre Young had told Marshall Mathers to fuck off because he was white?  Just imagine that shit.

Well, before I get my ass beat for dissing on black and whites, let me get to the problem at hand, the situation... the reason this is weighing so heavily on my mind.  I was asked for my opinion, and ideas for solutions to this problem.  That was a bad idea.  Never ask me for a solution if you are afraid of upsetting the status quo.  We are contractors.  That means they hire us to come work in their businesses, in their environments.  We have people of several races that work for us.  The people that own the company say "Go there!" and we go there.  We are just worker bees in search of a little honey.

We recently got a new account, a pretty large account.  The people that we have working there are black, the supervisor is black, and the sales people are black.  They started finding things written on walls in bathrooms, on paper taped to mirrors and lockers, and pictures/drawings taped up around the place.  The people working for us thought they were directed at them.  One of them even said she was going to quit because she feared for her safety.... her life even.  I don't blame her at all.  The graffiti was sayings like this; "Die Nigger Die!" "The only good nigger is a dead nigger." "We don't want your kind here."  "Go back to Africa, Nigger."  It hurts my heart to even repeat it.  There were several pictures of a person hanging by a rope from a tree found and quite a few pictures of burning crosses.

So, some of my people, met with some of their people.... and he said, and she said, and everybody talked... "Yada, Yada, Yada Nigga... It's just talk." (Tech N9ne)  You see, this is where is all leads back to "Who teaches racism and why?"  I can tell people from here the approximate location of the school, and they instantly say "The White School."  It is common knowledge to them.  This is an all white school, from K through 12.  Did you read that right?  All white school.  It is a Christian School, a private Christian school.  When they say private, THEY MEAN FUCKING PRIVATE!  The people running the school have even said as much.  They say the parents want it that way.  They have passed all these rules and qualifications in order to keep it that way.  Not to mention you have to be pretty wealthy to send your kids there in the first place.

Some of the people working there are friends of mine, and I do not wish to see them harmed.   I can not believe I actually have to worry about their safety, but I do.  I can only imagine what it must be like for a black man/woman having to work in that environment, with those kinds of people.  Especially the type of people some of them are.  Proud black folks, very well educated and dedicated to their work, professionals.  They impress me very much for being able to do their jobs so well, even when faced with all this hatred.  I am opposite, a middle class white boi, with a college degree.  I can't possibly know where they are coming from, can I?

So that is where we are at, a stand off.  A bunch of racist as hell white folks, trying with all their power to keep their kids away from the "niggers."  If this is how the human race has evolved over the last couple hundred years, maybe we need to call it quits in 2012.  Just a thought I have had.  Fuck it, just push the button and blow us all to kingdom come.  Sometimes I am ashamed to be white.  I think about how my race has treated so many other races over the years.  We are conquerors, conquer, kill, rape, pillage, and enslave.  Even now we are trying to enslave the middle east in the name of freedom and democracy.  Oh please.....

So that is my macro view.  People hate each other because they are different.  White people are in denial and refuse to accept any responsibility for their own actions.  It is easy to blame the blacks, Indians, Native Americans, Latinos, Spanish, French, British, and now Muslims for our problems.  It is much easier to just stick with that, than it is to try to change it. 

Here is my theory about all this racism bull shit.  The government, yep government, stands to benefit more than anyone from racism and segregation.  Have you ever filled out a government form that didn't ask for age, sex, and race?  According to our government everything has to be categorized.  African American, Caucasian American, Asian American, Native American Indian, etc.  Why is that.... to keep us apart.  Just think about it for a minute.  Is there anything we couldn't do if we were all united?  No obstacle would be too big for a truly "United States."  Would we need all these fucking politicians?  No.  So I think the government is behind it all.

Hopefully with each passing generation the racism will fade away.  It has not been very long ago that whites had slaves.  Many families did not, but we are all guilty, until proven innocent.  I look forward until the day all my brothers and sisters can stand together, United, and fight the real demons in this world..... not each other.  Finally, putting an end to all this trivial bullshit.