I was at the gym today, running like a hamster on a wheel. I had a thought running through my head.... lyrics from a song actually.
"Every man is evil, yes.
Every man's a liar.
Unashamed with the wicked tongue
Singing in the black soul choir."
16 Horsepower - Black Soul Choir
I realized today that I have spent so much of my life trying to be the proverbial "Good Guy." The one that people trust and turn to for help and advice. The one that would offer assistance with no strings attached. The proverbial "Good Guy," you know.....the one that always loses in the end. I spent so much time trying to be that guy, that I never noticed how bad I actually was.
I decided a while back that all people have a bad side, a dark side. The main difference is how far have they gone. Were they willing to compromise their own principals? Were they willing to injure someone else to get what they want?
That is the basis of it isn't it? It is all about selfishness and greed. It is human nature after all. Self preservation. Survival of the fittest. The ID and the EGO. Wants versus needs. Protection, stability, control. I am from America where I was raised to believe I can have anything I want. If no one will give it to me, then I have to take it. Right?!?!
I always aspired to be above it all. I can pinpoint where it all went wrong for me, but I never saw it until now. A boi stole a skateboard from someone else. He knew he was in trouble so he hid it in my mom's bushes on the side of our house. I went outside and noticed the bushed were broken and dying. I looked closer and saw a skateboard. I kept it and told everybody it was mine. I could not have afforded to buy a new skateboard.... and I wanted one. I lied and told my mom I did not know why her bushes were dead. I told him he was not getting it back because he stole it from somebody else. Somehow I justified it, even knowing it was wrong.
I look back and realize I was used and abused by people all my life, and so did I. I can think of things everybody I ever knew did to me, or someone else that was just plain wrong. A girl wanting to get back at her boyfriend so she dated me for 2 weeks until he was sufficiently jealous and threw me to the curb. Many different people needing a ride somewhere when I was the only one with a license. People finding out I had cigarettes, drugs or alcohol and wanting to be the best friends.... until it was all gone. People wanting to borrow music or movies and never seeing them again. People wanting to hang out and swim, until something was wrong with the pool and they never came back. Being narked on so somebody else could stay out of jail. Then there is always the degradation of being raped and taken advantage of by someone you thought really cared about and wanted to be with you. Man.... that hurt really bad.
I turned around and did the same shit. The thing about it is that most of the time it is mutual. Like relationships, we mutually use each other for things we do not have. I wanted to have children. I wanted to have lots of sex. I wanted to have someone who would do things I would not do. She wanted to move out and get away from her parents. She wanted someone to get her drunk and high. She wanted to experience things she could only get from an older, more experienced man.
I never said it was wrong. Most of the time it is not. If it is done specifically to hurt someone else..... then it IS wrong. We give to each other. We compliment each other. We push each other. In reality, for good or bad..... we need each other, and we use each other to get what we need. Sometimes we just do it in the wrong ways.