Monday, July 11, 2011

6 P's

There are the 5 P's, 6 P's, 7 P's and probably many more variations.  My father has said to me on several different occasions, "Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance."  I just assumed this was drilled into his head from his 30 + years in the Marine Corps, Ooh rah! There is no question that it is true, in any sport, contract, job, task, war, hobby and even grocery shopping.  On to the story at hand.

Hey, you in the public restroom, the one that smells like a combination of shit, blood, urine and puke.  The one where you hover your ass above the toilet, just praying you don't get any sort of venerial disease, or even worse, leprosy. Yeah, we have all been there haven't we?  Well, if you would have shrugged off your sheer horror for a moment and looked up over the toilet there were probably paper butt condoms in a dispenser, known as "Toilet Seat Covers".  You know who put those lovely butt savers there for you, people like me.  I also install various paper towel, soap, toilet paper, facial tissue, air freshener, and feminine hygiene product dispensers.  It is a package deal for most compaies.  If you buy the products from us, we give you the dispensers free.  Don't get me wrong, this is only a small part of my 1 million responsibilities.

The overlords we call "boss" will say, "Go forth into the void (building) and slay that dragon (bathroom), shouldn't take more than a few hours (because we don't want to pay you anyway)."  How the hell should they know, they have never done it themselves.

Friday was here at last, 0800.  We planned this date for weeks, well my partner and I did.  This dragon must be slayed, so with our tools of destruction.......  and construction, we set off on our quest.  So we thought, the people of Officeville doth protest my departure.  Before you leave we need this order pulled, this delivered, this ordered, this fixed, there is a phone call on line 1, 2, 3, and 4 for you.  STOP YE FOUL PEASANTS, I have a quest of utmost importance to attend, besides, all this will wait 'til Monday.  No, no it won't it for is a holiday weekend.  It will wait 'til Tuesday.

This, this is where it all went wrong, why my mind screamed Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance!!!  My King and Prince had abandoned me.  While telling me the task at hand and it's utmost importance, they negelcted to inform the rest of the castle.  Tis not a normal day for my companion and I.  It is a fool's labor, a spell concocted by Loki himself.

My cart had to be reloaded, all the equiptment had been removed by a thief overnight while I rested.  My companion called out on his magical voicebox of Motorola, "Hey I am already here, where are you at?"  Alas, the people of Officeville demand tribute be paid before my departure.  Onto my cart I leaped, giddy up ye mule!  We must make haste before the king screams "Off with his head!"  Half way to my destination, *ring ring* on my magic voice box of HTC, "Did you bring your helmet and magic glasses of eye protection?"  "Yes," yes I did, I am always prepared *click*.  Three- quarters of the way to my destination *ring ring*, "Do you have your steel toed boots?"  "No,  I don't even have any of those."  "Well, they may not even let you in then."  "Fuck!" I cursed the gods.

Upon arrival I met my companion and relayed the instructions by voices from the magic box.  Hard hat - check, safety glasses - check, steel toed boots - nope on both accounts.  We will have to continue, even with holes in our armor.  I was not expecting this, only a dragon.  Here we have giants, trolls, witches, gnomes, goblins and beasts of all fashion.  The doors were barred from entry, "excuse me my friend, do you know of the gatekeeper?"  "Snooooooort *cough, cough*....*spit* was the reply by the cyclops. "Yeah, guy with the shiny badge," he gruffly responded.  We approached the gatekeeper as my companion said "Boy, they sure fucked you good!"  We both started laughing, rather foolishly.  I pleaded my case to the gatekeeper known only as "Security."  He led me to another, a young she devil with badges of name and lists of our knights.  She allowed us to enter her gates, to our quest!

We fought on for hours, pulling our weapons along with us.  From room to room we treked, defeating the old, installing the new and cleaning as we went.  Then it happened, our King appeared.  The news he carried was of a most disturbing nature.  "They want all the dispensers installed by Tuesday," he said.  "Tuesday! I retorted, "Today is Friday.... (Friday... gotta get down on Friday) we are closed Saturday and Sunday, and monday is a holiday.  It would have been nice to know this in advance."  He thundered, "I do not care how, but get it done."  Again my companion spoke, "Bend over baby, they just keep on sticking it in don't they!"  This time I glared at him, then busted out laughing.

Several more hours went on, and my companion was defeated.  He left the battle, weary and bloodied on his way to another appointment.  I fought on, minutes became hours, wave after wave of enemy falling upon me.  My feet, legs, back and arms so sore I could barely stand.  My hands bleeding and sweaty from the blows of the metal, plastic, concrete and ceramic tile.  My drill bits dulled and broken, batteries drained and body in sheer agony, I finally surrendered.  I was the last one standing, a lone warrior on a giant battlefield.  14 hours into what I was told would be a 2 hour job, with hours more to go.  A wise warrior knows "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em."  I will live to fight another day.  When next I battle on this hallowed ground, I will be prepared.  Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

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