Sitting here this morning in total shock. A dam in both eyes just ready to crack and flood the valleys below. It is a morning of extreme sadness. In fact, it has been a week of it. Another great life has ended far too short. A man that would give the shirt off his back to help a friend in need. A fellow Jaycee, family man, business man and fun guy. My last memories will be shaking his hand as he offered me good luck in my job search. I had been laid off and even though I knew NOTHING about his business, he invited me to come in for an interview. We spent 2 hours talking and he showed me all the aspects of what they did. He actually taught me quite a lot that day. Even let me play in the dirt a little bit. Who doesn't like to play in the dirt now and then? He asked if we would like to come out to the lake and take a ride in his boat. Although we had already made plans for that weekend though, I really appreciated the offer.
Add to that finding out that a friend and a different family member are
fighting a uphill battle with cancer and you create a very emotional
roller coaster ride. I have often heard it comes in threes. This is all
the proof I need. I am not a religious man. At these times I pray
though. I pray that the families can come together and work through
their respective tragedies. I pray that I am strong enough to help in
any way possible, if they should ever ask.
Today I am asking myself to change. This is a confession of sorts. I
have made a lot of promises I have never kept. They all involve people.
We have all made them. A friend may say let's have lunch, come by
and talk sometime, can you help me move a couch or call me. And we
try, we do. But we are all so busy these days. So many things to be
done. So many "important" things. Work related things, kid related
things, family, pets, etc. Then you look up and you have lost contact
with that person altogether, or worse, they are gone from this mortal
world. It could be a person you grew up with, or someone you met
online. Some are simply too far away to go see.
Maybe we are overwhelmed with life in general. I know I get that way at
times. Some days I want to crawl up in a fetal position and hide. I
seem to devote most of my time to working to pay bills. Then I end up
working on those things I am paying bills on. Many times I look around
and wonder how my life got this way. Things were never important to
me, relationships were. Sometimes I think I get scared. Maybe I don't
know them that well. What will I do? What will I say? What if we
really don't get along? All these reasons, all of the excuses. Maybe,
just maybe I am completely selfish. I have a hard time in giving up
the little bit of free time I do have.
There is a signature under my post that I refuse to change. It reminds
me of all the great conversations we had. What MyHattiesburg once was
and what it meant to me. It also reminds me that I had 2 good chances
to go see him, and I didn't. Lost chances. There are 2 people I regret
not going to meet when I had the chance, both from this website.
There are 4 more I regret not going to visit from my personal life,
because I thought I had plenty of time. Lost chances. When those
chances are gone you don't get any more. I have 3 people to call today
after work, that have basically put on hold. I have a friend to offer
my assistance to that I have never even met. I have a trip to plan to
see someone that was like a mother to me and is in the hospital with
cancer. I have a best friend that I have not seen in about 6 years
because we grew distant and busy. Misunderstandings happen, hurt
happens, distance happens, time happens, life happens, but it can all
be patched up if you want to.
I look in the mirror and I am proud. I am proud that I have lived so
many lives. I have had so many chances of my own. That I have great
kids and a awesome wife. I am proud that at 42 I may be healthier than I
ever was before. Most of all I am proud that I have made a difference
in several people's lives. Life is so fragile and I was so stupid to
take the risks that I did. Because of it I am able to relay my
experiences, failures and successes. BUT, there are some things I
regret. Things I am ashamed of and that bring me great sadness. Those
are things I truly wanted to do, and, for whatever reason..... I never
got the chance. They involve relationships. The things I never got to
say, the call I didn't make, the visit I skipped on for whatever
reason. Just because "The doctor says I have 6 more months" does not
mean anything. You should go today, DON'T wait until the weekend
because it is more convenient. This is a issue I have had for years
and I know I am not the only one.
I am 42, yesterday it seems like I was only 14. I didn't want anyone or
need anyone in my life. I don't remember growing up. It just
happened. This is what someone passing does to me.... every time. I
reflect on the fact that I am not perfect. That I am very selfish.
That I want and need some people in my life now. That sometimes I do
need their help and they do mine. That I want them to know how
important they are to me and why. That many times I have a lot to
give. WE have to be proactive in maintaining those relationships and
NOT letting them pass me by. Most of all I have learned that there is
never going to be enough time. You have to make time to fit in the
important things, your family and friends.
"Stuff" means nothing. In the end nothing else is important besides the
relationships you build and maintain, or do not maintain. The memories
you make and the stories you pass down. Sometimes you only have
yourself to blame for losing those relationships. My mom told me once
while she was in her last days "I saved all these things for you, you
have my house, cars, money, birds." I thanked her so much for it
because that's is what she needed to hear. Then I told her I would
gladly give it all back to just spend some more time with her. "We are
all stories in the end, just make it a good one." To quote Dr. Who. I
think he wrote some very good stories. I know he will be missed very
much, by so many. From casual acquaintances to family, he touched so
many. Through this site he touched thousands. He asked me to come back
and write one more blog not too long ago. I told him I would. I never
thought it would be about this. I would have preferred to write some
magical post about Unicorns dancing in fields filled with flowers, but I
am not there. Not today, not this week. I have rambled enough, my
thoughts run wild. RIP my friend, until we meet again...... My thoughts
and prayers are with you and your family.